Friday, February 03, 2006

journal entry 197...

i'm so glad it's friday. i did NOT want to get out of bed this morning. at least tomorrow i can sleep in a little bit.

BE is coming over for dinner and a movie tomorrow. we're supposed to watch the wal-mart documentary but it still hasn't arrived. it was supposed to be here on wednesday so i don't know where the hell it is. netflix always works except when it doesn't, i guess. if it doesn't arrive by tomorrow i suppose we'll just watch something i already own coz i don't think he'll want to watch the "chick flicks" that are due to arrive today.

i went out for drinks with ST last night and it was really nice. i was able to vent and complain and feel sorry for myself and she agreed with me and validated me and just generally made me feel okay about myself and my feelings towards A. i feel guilty sometimes because i feel like i'm being anti-feminist for hating her so much over a guy, but ST was like, "SHE's the one who's anti-feminist for going after your ex in the first place. it's common knowledge (and not just among feminists) that you just don't do that. exes are off limits. PERIOD." and i was like, "fuck yeah! thank you!" so it was good. and i didn't cry once. SHE gives me faith in the sisterhood. where i've lost some of my spunk and "grrl power" attitude, ST helps revive it. not all women are backstabbing whores who'll fuck each other over for a guy. some of us are true blue, always on your side, SISTERS!

ST is a good friend and i'm really glad to have her in my life. she's a good listener and gives good advice. i hope she feels the same about me. we're part of the mutual admiration society and it's cool. it makes me feel happy and safe and those are certainly feelings i'm glad to have more of.

so, things are starting to feel better to me and i've started taking small steps to put myself back out there and start socializing and getting back into life again. i'm strong and resilient and i'm going to be fine. better than fine. this experience hurt me more deeply than any other i can remember, but it's made me stronger too. i fucking survived it. i faced my darkest hour and fortunately i was too drunk at the time to actually slit my wrists so i made it through. yay me.

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