Tuesday, February 07, 2006

journal entry 202...

i don't know, maybe it's just stress.

i've been feeling kind of nervous and worried about reconciling with HI. i feel like she thinks it's going to be all about me apologizing and taking the blame and the responsibilty for everything that's happened, but i don't feel like it's all my fault. i was the one who ended the friendship, but the reason i ended it was because i felt lied to and belittled and hurt by a lot of the things she had done leading up to my exodus from that whole circle. my heart was broken by her actions towards me as well as those of other people. when i was at my very lowest point, she never reached out to me, she only reached out to reprimand me and hurt me further. time has passed since then and it doesn't sting as much, but i do still remember the things that hurt me and i don't feel like it's all my fault. she bears a lot of the responsibility for the disolution of our relationship.

i'm thinking of writing her a letter before we actually meet so that i can put some of my thoughts and feelings and reasons for my actions down on paper and lay the ground work for our conversation. it's been so long and so much water under the bridge, i feel like there's the potential to either let it all go as "bygones" without resolving any of the issues that led to the conflict, or the reverse - bringing up every little slight and insult and hurt and opening old wounds and playing the "blame game". it won't solve anything and will only contribute to deeper feelings of pain and resentment.

so there's that. i'm thinking i'll write my letter this weekend when i have time to really focus and work through it all diplomatically. i want to tell the truth, but i want to be fair and open, to open a door for communication rather than slam it shut.

i just really hate confrontations and dealing with conflict. when i turned my back on her and all the rest of them, i felt like #1, i had to for my own sanity. i didn't feel like i could trust her and i didn't feel respected, and #2 i was feeling really fatalistic and "wishing i was deadish" and i thought that i wasn't going to live through it anyway so there wasn't a future to worry about. i didn't expect to make it this far so i never thought i'd see her again anyway. i made some unhealthy choices because i wasn't healthy, and because i didn't intend to live to see the consequences.

ugh. and now i'm trying to decide what's worth salvaging and what's too much trouble. it's a fine line and i'm still not exactly sure.

but anyway, that's what i'm going through now and i'm feeling conflicted and confused and scared and all of the other emotions that go with this kind of thing. it never seems to get any easier. you'd think i'd get better at it with age, but i never seem to. at least it's supposed to be a warm, sunny day, so that's something.


Anonymous Diana said...

Hey BL,

I really hope you'll tell your estranged friend about your feelings. I think it's important for you to respect your own experience enough to own it and be straightforward with her about it. Easy things for me to say, I know....so much harder to act on. I back away from shit like this all the time, but as I'm trying to move forward myself I think I'm getting better at not running away from confrontations...at least I hope so.

You can't control her reaction to what you tell her, but taking good care of yourself will probably make you feel very powerful and very valued to yourself. At least that's what I've found when the one or two times I've managed to do this!

Anyway, you probably know all this, but just my two cents of support.

Good luck to you...

February 07, 2006 8:09 AM  

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