Wednesday, February 08, 2006

journal entry 203...

i'm feeling a bit out of sorts and anxious today. and i hate it. recognizing the feeling makes me even more axious and out of sorts because i can't make it go away.

there are things that i need to do that i really don't want to do so i'm trying to figure out ways to ignore them or postpone them or forget about them altogether. nothing seems to work though. i know i'm going to have to face them at some point and it bums me out and give me a stomach ache.

i'm just really, really confused these days. i feel like i'm in this weird holding pattern and that as much as i want out, i can't seem to figure out what my next move should be so i just sit here. or i do little things and then immediately regret them and wish i had just not done anything.

so full of fear and regret these days. and anxious that i'm going to do something to fuck things up further, or worse - actually doing something that i feel fucks things up further. it's like i'm paralyzed with fear and anxiety. i should probably get on the ball and make a therapy appointment because i think i could really use an impartial third-party to talk to and help me sort through some of this muck and get rid of what's not working so i can move on and move forward.

i have come to this point due to a series of culminating events ending with J telling me he was dating A and me turning my back and slamming the door on everything that had been my life up to then. now it's like i'm in this dark alley and i have to feel my way along uncertainly to try and figure out what i'm doing, where i'm going. there is no light to guide me nor any familiar voices calling out to me. i am alone and scared and confused. and i hate it. and it's like a circle. i keep doing things i wish i hadn't or not doing anything at all and it's like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back on this whole arduous journey. i just wonder when i will make significant progress and be able to see all of this far behind me instead of lurking just over my shoulder.

so with that - deep, cleansing breath in, relaxing, forgiving breath out. mistakes were made. i will learn from them and move on. just keep going. plod on through it, no matter how many steps it takes.

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