Wednesday, February 08, 2006

journal entry 205...

oh god.

it's just been a fecking weep fest over here. i went through an entire box of kleenex. at work. it's a good fucking thing i cry silently or else i'd probably be fired or committed by now.

HI sent me an email and i lost it. (my marbles, that is, not the email.)

it wasn't nice or mean or anything, really. she was just checking in to see what my schedule was like so we could get together and it just made me all weepy and anxious and worried and upset and i cried and cried and cried and then i wrote an email that started out okay and ended up insane and emotional while making no mention whatever of what's happened between us. i basically just had a general meltdown over nothing specific and everything in particular and the fact that i am a weepy mess and can't seem to deal with my emotions over all of this and that i revealed that fact and now i'm worried that i've alarmed her or worse, that she's going to run back and tell everybody and they'll all laugh and say it couldn't have happened to a nicer person and i'll still be this blubbering fool only now they'll all know about it.

why do i always say to much? why can't i ever play it cool? i don't even know what my point was. do i want sympathy? understanding? forgiveness? concern? or did i just want to scare her away so i never have to face or deal with any of this bullshit anymore? it's like i want her to reject me and say i'm just too much and finally prove that no one ever really cared about me and that i truly can't trust anyone. ever.

i swear, sometimes i think the only thing keeping me from killing myself is the lack of access to self-killing devices. and my mentee. i have to hold my shit together for her. i have to be a good influence and prove that difficulties and heartache can be overcome. i have to make believers of us both.

but it's just so fucking hard to believe.


Anonymous Diana said...

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a god-awful day and time of it lately.

I hesitate to offer what might be called 'advice' because sometimes in the wrong context or when someone's really in a low spot, it just sounds like a load of shit, or like something incredibly obvious and therefore ridiculous.

That said, this is what I tell myself when I feel like I've been a fool, may have risked too much or made myself way too vulnerable (whether or not it's true): being that way is something I value. So, if someone takes that openness and uses it meanly it says way more bad things about them than about me. And however scary it is to think about having that vulnerability in someone else's hands, would you rather have not risked it? (I think in your case today, the answer's probably yes, but still). It's such a good thing to be honest emotionally, I think. And such an unbelievably hard thing to do.

Okay, what I mean is, of course being open emotionally is a good thing. Sometimes we're stupid or too quick to judge when it's safe to do it. If you misjudged, it's so much a better thing than to misjudge the other way, and never risk stuff, even if your outpouring is used to make you feel like an idiot. But you know what? People who do that are living in a state of total smallness, and if they do that to you, somehow they know that, too.

It sounds like things are really hard for you right now, but you'll get on the upswing again...

Thanks, by the way, for your really nice comments on my blog...made my day,

Also, I'm glad to hear your still doing the mentoring thing. That's so great, and such a valuable contribution to make.

February 08, 2006 10:01 PM  

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