Thursday, February 09, 2006

journal entry 206...

i'm so exhausted.

i can't seem to fall asleep straight away because my mind is racing and i'm all anxious and worried and then when i finally do fall asleep it's only a few hours until i have to wake up again.

and then i wake up and start the whole stressful cycle over again.

i tried to bail on my dinner date with OD last night, but he never got my email so he showed up anyway and i pretended i never sent the email and was totally expecting him. fortunately, i was able to pull myself together and not look or act like such a wreck when he was around. when he finally checks his email he'll probably be surprised. sometimes i can be a really good actress and fake like everything's fine and people believe me. sometimes i wonder if that's such a good thing.

my horoscope is somewhat comforting. if it's to be believed, then the worst is behind me and i'll be able to breathe again soon. that is certainly some welcome news.

sometimes i feel like i should just move somewhere new and start over. living in such a small city with the potential to run into people i can't emotionally handle running into keeps me on edge a lot. there's always this scared part of me that doesn't know what i'll do or say if i see one of them. and i'm such a mess right now that i'd really not like to give any of them a chance to see me and ridicule me, however silently.

but i really love the city and the idea of living anywhere else makes me kind of sad too. either way, i'm sad, so what are you gonna do? i guess i'll just keep doing nothing and hope these feelings of strangeness pass and that i don't run into any of them until i'm strong enough to handle it.

once, when i went to walgreens to get snacks for "brokeback mountain", i almost ran right into KR but as usual, she was so self-absorbed and preoccupied that she didn't even notice me. it was quite a relief because she is actually one of the people i'd LEAST like to run into. it's kind of sad. there was a time, not that many years ago, when she was the best friend i'd ever had. that changed slowly, over several years, and i haven't felt close to her or like she's known me in forever.

i just don't feel like i like i can trust anyone. i'm trying not to lose myself; to not become as bitter and hard as i feel like i need to be in order to survive this. i want to keep some of my innocence and faith and hope but i don't even know if there's any left in me to hold onto. sometimes i don't even recognize myself anymore or what i'm doing or what i want. it's like i'm just plodding along like a robot just doing what i do while i wait for my battery to give out.

i need to set some goals. i always feel happier when i'm doing something, or working towards some kind of achievement. the only thing is that when i feel this low i don't see anything worth working towards.

oh fuck it. it's supposed to be warm and beautiful today and i'm going to walk to work and just try not to dwell on all of this. yesterday as i was walking i thought, "maybe i just need to go to the shrink and they'll put me on some kind of meds that will dull the sharp edges a bit and make things seem more managable and worthwhile." and then i thought, "but no fucking way am i gonna take them if they're gonna make me fat." and then i was totally ashamed of myself for being such a shallow idiot. it's no wonder my life is such a fucking mess right now. if drugs will make me fat and happy, i'll take them, because it's not like the alternative is even bearable.

whatever. i'm rambling now so i should just stop. i'll get through this. i have to.


Blogger Bobby said...

sometimes I think I only live for my blog - - - now is that sad or what?

- - Actually, no, I don't think so. It is very worthwhile to get all this stuff down and keyed in and up on the web and sorted out and shared with the folks who read you out there - out here

February 09, 2006 4:50 PM  

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