Saturday, February 11, 2006

journal entry 209...

i've got a ton of stuff to do today. i made a list so i wouldn't forget anything and now i'm kind of overwhelmed.

i slept in, which was nice. i wanted to sleep longer but i have so much to do i started feeling guilty. so now i'm up, starting my day.

i was sad to see the last of "arrested development" last night. i hope it's not really over. they left it so it could go either way so i've got my fingers crossed that another network is going to pick it up. i guess since it's over for now anyway, season 3 will be on dvd soon so that's something. fox sucks though. they didn't even promote the last four episodes or tell us that they'd be on on friday when the show is usually on on mondays. no wonder no one ever watched. who even knew when to tune in? it's sad coz that really was the best show on tv.

i fell asleep after the last episode and had some fun dreams. in one, i was on the verge of getting back together with J but jon stewart was at this party or something where we were and he came up and started talking to me. we were flirting and then it turned out that we were in love and i told J i couldn't be with him because jon stewart and i were getting married. jon stewart was really happy and sweet and madly in love with me. he just kept saying over and over again how wonderful and amazing i was and how happy i'd made him and how lonely he'd been before me. i was really happy and in love with him too and i was relieved we'd found each other before J and i got back together.

it was a very timely dream as i've been wondering lately if our breaking up wasn't a mistake and maybe he really was "the one" and i should've worked harder to keep it together. worrying that i'll never find anyone to love ever again. to love and care for me. it's a depressing thought that makes me anxious and scared and i start thinking stupid stuff like i should have stayed with J. which is moronic because i wasn't happy with him and if there is a "the one" for people, i don't think he was mine. i certainly hope he wasn't. because as much as i obsess and romanticize our relationship now, at the time i was totally dissatisfied and unfulfilled, but resigned to the fact that i was stuck with him and he with me. there were good parts to our relationship, but it wasn't everything i hope to have.

that said, if he hadn't called me fat, we'd still be together. one little word and it was over. and i was hurt, hurt, hurt beyond belief, but i was relieved to finally have a good reason to end the relationship. i hadn't been attracted to him in years either. but i did love him. we both loved each other. that's what i thought, anyway, until he started fucking A.

but anyway. jon stewart and i were happy and in love and it was awesome and it felt right. it felt like it never felt with J and made me hopeful that i might actually find that feeling with someone. that it is possible to find love. to find someone who thinks i'm lovely and amazing. someone i can trust.

i had another dream last night that didn't involve jon stewart, but was equally interesting and happy making.

i dreamt that HI and i and several other girls we knew were going to a party. we were trying to fill our water bottles with booze so we could save money on liquor at the party. we were all laughing and having the best time getting ready and we were piling into the car when i looked up at the moon, which was enormous and beautiful. i had never seen such a giant full moon. it was really low in the sky and golden, like the moon in "e.t." when elliott and e.t. fly their bike in front of it. it looked like i could reach up and touch it. i ran back inside to grab my camera but when i came back out it had moved behind some trees. i kept chasing it, trying to capture the beauty but i couldn't. i had to be satisfied just enjoying the beauty of the moment because i knew it wasn't going to last and i didn't want to miss seeing it because i was busy trying to take a picture that would never do it justice anyway.

it was a cool dream and even though i couldn't get a picture of the moon. i was happy and content anyway, and felt like things couldn't be more perfect than they were right then.

lots of joy and success in my dreams. i guess i should be grateful there's joy and success in some aspect of my life, even if it is only when i'm asleep.

i looked up what the moon means and the book says a full moon is "a symbol of serenity or hope in dark times". i'm good with that.


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