Tuesday, February 14, 2006

journal entry 213...

that has to be the cheesiest affirmation yet, but i had to post it anyway because isn't cheese what valentine's day is all about anyway? cheese and chocolate. and feeling like a piece of shit if there's no one around to validate your "lovability".

i had a lot of hectic dreams last night: swimming in the ocean, getting a makeover, moving, cleaning, telling A how not to fuck over another friend and then destroying the flowers J (who turned into M) sent her for her birthday, etc.

it's weird how you can think you're doing okay and be all, "i'm cool with this. i've accepted it. i'm moving on." and really not think about it or obsess, but as soon as you're asleep the truth comes out and you're crying or hating or raging in spite of yourself. overall, i did get a good night's sleep though. the crazies were back in their caves apparently. in fact, it was so quiet that i woke up because i could hear my clock ticking. that never happens. in fact, i didn't even know the clock did tick because i've never even heard it in the two years i've had it, until last night. eerily quiet.

i'm never satisfied, huh? i'm either disturbed by the noise or distubed by the peace. woe is me.

anyway, i actually think i feel fine today. even though it is valentine's day and i could feel like shit, i basically feel nothing. numb. bored. apathetic. it's just another day to me and i've never been really big on it so this one is no different. it would be nice to have a lover though. not just for today, but for awhile, to have someone know me and understand me and love me anyway. i would like to love and be loved again. someone to laugh and have inside jokes with. a writer.

so that's where i am today. not as bummed or depressed as i could be or thought i'd be. just another day like so many others.

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