Thursday, February 16, 2006

journal entry 215...

i think another part of the problem is my internet usage.

last night i got home from work and even though i told myself i wouldn't, i turned on the tv while i fed babycat and put away groceries. then i decided it was okay to watch tv if i was watching a movie and not a sitcom, so i watched "grizzly man" but then when it was over i totally watched primetime tv and finally fell asleep around 10:30. ugh.

i don't know what my deal is. i'm just so lazy and unispired i can't even be bothered to pick up a book. i'm just a creature of habit and i've got myself into all of these bad habits that i really need to stop. i feel like a moron half the time because all i read are the internets and magazines and i just veg in front of the tv when i get home from work. it's weird though, like i've got ADD or something. when i'm watching tv or even a movie, i'm on the internets at the same time. i have so little focus or concentration. i think i need to limit my online time as well as my tv time. i need to learn how to focus on one thing at a time and really concentrate.

i used to be so good at it. i just need to be more disciplined and do what i know i should do.

besides that, things are the same. no better, no worse. i'm feeling kind of blah and noncommittal but i guess that's better than being miserable and suicidal. it's a step closer to something positive, i guess.

HI and i were kind of emailing back and forth last week and breaking the ice to try and repair our relationship which was cool, however stressful and painful. i sent her a long email last saturday, explaining my whole situation and why i did what i did and how i felt about it and blah, blah, blah. it was very honest and revealing and i thought, kind and apologetic for whatever suffering i'd caused her. i cried like a baby when i was writing it because it brought every single thing back to the surface.

so anyway, i sent it to her and i haven't heard from her since. i'm not sure why, but i don't regret sending it. now she knows and the truth is out there and if she doesn't want to deal with it or acknowledge me because of it, that's her right. i do feel a lot of relief just for finally letting it all out and if she thinks i'm a freak or a psycho or whatever, so be it. i'm just glad to have it out there. she knows and she can do or not do whatever she wants. i'm not going to contact her again until (if) i hear from her.

that's that. done is done. washing my hands of it.

now i'm going to go to the bookshelf and pick out a book to start so i have no excuse not to read when i get home.


Blogger Bobby said...

I have a great book, Blue Highways, by William Least Heat-Moon. I checked it out at the library, and I was so lazy, I had to renew it. Then I didn't get through it then either. So I bought it. And now I've been carrying it around for a month and half to work and all. How ridiculous is that?

Well - as far as habbits - you sure do post to your blog with dedication!

If you ever want to send me a whacked out e-mail, feel free.

February 17, 2006 12:07 AM  

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