Wednesday, February 22, 2006

journal entry 222...

so i'm hurt and annoyed all over again.

HI finally responded to my email and it reopened some wounds so i'm not sure how i'm going to answer her. basically, she said she knew about J&A and has actually been talking to them and hanging out with them since this all went down. she also said she had a feeling that their getting together was what triggered my flight from that circle, but that she wasn't aware of the extent of my pain until my email. she also said she wasn't sure what to do now because she still wants to be friends with them but she knows that may upset me.

so. i'm hurt and angry for a couple of reasons. 1) she's known all along that i was hurt by them and yet she never reached out to me to see if i was okay and 2) she wants to remain friends with both of them too.

HI and J were my two closest friends and when he fucked me over, she didn't come to my rescue or aid. she just left me there to suffer alone, with no care, concern or support and i think that's really fucked up. if the tables were turned, i would have been there for her and i certainly wouldn't be telling her months later that although i understand her pain, i still want to be friends with the people who hurt her and fucked her over.

(she didn't mention whether or not J&A have in fact stopped seeing each other so i don't know if i was wrong or if she just doesn't know. i'm not 100% sure myself, but i'm assuming they are due to their weird post/comment exchange and the fact that he removed her photo from his photo blog.)

but anyway, the fact that this has upset me so much and stirred up all this pain and anger again makes me think that i should just let her go. that i should just tell her that i understand her conflicted feelings and that i respect her right to be friends with whomever she likes, but that i feel like i could never fully relax or trust her knowing that she was friends with them too. and i've finally started to move on and go in a new direction and make new friends. she is really the last shred of what i had before and i kind of feel like i just need to let it ALL go if i'm ever to truly heal.

my capacity to trust has been deeply diminished. A pretty much singlehandedly destroyed my faith in my feminist group and in women's friendships in general. in the legitimacy of genuine women's friendships. up until she started fucking my ex-boyfriend i had believed that it was possible for women to value one another and care about "the sisterhood" and the well-being of one another above the desire for male approval and sexual relationships with men. but her betrayal and her lack of remorse over it has made me question that. has made me question if women really can value one another as much, if not more, than the social pressure for a heterosexual union.

but anyway, my point is that HI wants to "sleep with the enemy" while also having a relationship with me and i don't think i can do that. it hurts too much and i don't necessarily trust her motives. besides the fact that i am still quite fragile and vulnerable and i only want to have meaningful relationships in my life with people i can trust, who have my best interests in mind as well as their own. to embark on a new relationship with HI feels not only false, but impractical. i just don't have the mental or emotional energy to be part of a half-assed relationship. i will feel like i have to walk on eggshells or avoid even mentioning something that has been the focal point of my life for the past five months. that i'll have to deny or repress what has hurt me so deeply and permanently so as not to put her in an awkward position or make her uncomfortable - well, i just don't think i can do it.

and as far as i'm concerned, there is only ONE SIDE in this matter and it's mine. what J&A did was disrespectful, hurtful, selfish, and wrong. if HI isn't willing to take a side, MY SIDE, in the matter, then she's condoning their behavior and complicit in disrespecting and harming me. and with friends like that - well...

so, i'm going to sit on it for awhile and try to calm down and approach this from a place of peace and good intentions. i don't want to attack or blame or freak out, i just want to convey my feelings honestly and openly and explain why i don't think i can rekindle our friendship after all. it's not because i hate her or don't care about her, but i feel like it's a conflict of interest and i will never fully trust her as long as she supports what they did to me. and i don't think that's a good way to start a relationship. i want only real relationships from here on out. with people who care for me as much as i care for them.

actually, i think that's part of what has made this time so difficult for me: i'd been involved in dozens of half-assed relationships with people i didn't actually trust or feel like they truly cared about me, and it was kind of driving me crazy. it was making me paranoid and bitter and hostile so when J fucked me over, it just all blew up. i felt like i'd been wasting so much time with all of them and it pissed me off that i hadn't expected more. that i didn't feel like i deserved more. well, that's changed. i do feel like i deserve more. i am a great person. i am kind and generous, loyal and loving, respectful and trustworthy. i'm the kind of friend i want to find. i don't want to waste anymore time in half-assed relationships that do nothing to support or encourage or bring out the best in me.

so there we go. i started out wondering what i was going to do about this and now i guess i know. i'm just going to have to tell her honestly that her terms aren't going to work for me. that i understand that she wants to remain friends with them, but that i don't feel good about that and so i'm just going to bow out of the running and leave them all to each other. it's really the only thing i can do if i want to maintain any dignity and sanity. now i just need to figure out how to say it all in a kind and non-judgemental way. ugh.


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