Thursday, February 23, 2006

journal entry 223...

still conflicted.

i wrote a really long email to HI yesterday, outlining my feelings and what i need from her to make our relationship work again, but i haven't sent it yet.

it's a good email, i think. not mean or spiteful or demanding. i basically just said that i understand that she doesn't feel comfortable taking a side in all of this, but that i need her to be on my side because what J&A did was wrong, it hurt me, and i can't just "let it all go" and pretend it never happened. the person i am now is because of what happened.

that said, i went on to say that i didn't realize that she had continued to hangout with them through all of this so i fully expect her to choose their side and stick with them on this since we had a break-up in our friendship anyway. (which was triggered by J&A's betrayal, but whatever.) i kind of just want it to be resolved and behind me. i guess i'm kind of hurt and angry that she's known about it all this time and never once tried to contact me to see if i was okay or comfort me. i mean, what kind of friend is that? all this time i thought she didn't know and that she wasn't speaking to me because of the wedding but that if she did know she would've understood. now i find out she's known all along and didn't really care how i was.

so that hurt me and made me angry, but of course i didn't mention it in the email. i kind of just ignored that fact entirely and said that if she wants to be friends she needs to take my side because that's what i need from her, but if she doesn't want to do that because her friendship with them is more important that i totally understand and i'm fine with that. i just want closure. i'm going to work on it some more and think about my true intentions before i actually send it.

you know, i'm just really, really tired of half-assed relationships. i feel like she's been out of my life for this long and i've survived (barely) and i'm getting stronger, so why go backwards? plus it's complicated since she's still friends with that whole group of people and i don't like or trust the vast majority of them. including her husband. i don't want any of them in my life but if i let her back in, they're certain to become involved somehow. in a way it just seems like it would be easier to just say "forget it. go ahead and stick with J&A and all the rest of them and leave me out of it. i'm going in a new direction."

so i don't know what i'm going to do at this point. part of me loves her and wants to repair things and the other part says, "fuck that. she didn't care about you in your darkest time. when she KNEW you were in pain, she just left you there to figure it out on your own. what makes you think things would be any different this time?"

because really, at the end there, she sucked anyway. i caught her in a couple of lies, she wasn't kind or caring towards me, when the shit hit the fan over HJ, she didn't stick up for me or anything. i mean, overall she was a really shitty friend to me which was another reason i bailed. i think i've kind of romanticized it a bit and fixed it up to seem better than it was because i really was unhappy with my relationship with her too. J&A were what triggered my departure from all of them, but i was glad to get rid of all of them because they all fucking sucked and treated me like crap anyway.

okay, now i'm even more confused. i think i just need to think on it awhile longer. clearly i'm not ready for conflict yet so maybe that's my cue to just back off and forget about this for awhile. she took two weeks to respond to me, i think i'm entitled to as much time. i'm impatient though so i'll probably do something stupid any day now. ugh.


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