Friday, February 24, 2006

journal entry 224...

i'm still working on my response to HI. it's really difficult because i don't want to come across as angry or hostile, but i am a little angry and hostile. i also don't want to come across as a whiny crybaby, but i am a bit of a whiny crybaby. so it's coming along, but it's coming along slowly.

i have come to the conclusion that i can't really ever be friends with her again. i mean, we can have a shallow, superficial relationship where we email one another movie reviews and celebrity gossip and the like, but as far as a deep, meaningful relationship? well, that's pretty much impossible. and i'm going to be honest with her about that. i'm going to put it more delicately of course, but i'm just going to let her know that it doesn't feel safe for me to open up or trust her with my well-being when she supports J&A's relationship and can't relate to the pain and betrayal i feel. besides the fact that she's still close friends with several people that i am really the opposite of close friends with. i don't want them back in my life nor do i want them gawking at it from afar or through stories she brings back to them. i just don't trust her, and i feel like the struggles and risks far outweigh any benefits i might gain from it.

i have kept a couple of people from that old group somewhat involved in my life still, but i think i'm going to kind of let that fizzle out too. i'm not going to make a big production out of it, but i think i'll just slowly fade into the background and just communicate with them less and less until one day they're just like, "huh. where's broken ladder? i haven't talked to her in awhile. oh, well." and then they'll just go on with their lives as i will with mine, without them.

i really feel like that circle is just too intricately tangled. there's really no safe way for me to be involved in any way without risking another stunning betrayal. i feel like i really need to stay away from all of them and continue going the way i'm going and just keep moving forward. i do have a couple of people who are still close to me and i have new opportunities opening up to meet new people so i think i'm just going to keep going in this direction.

so. now it's all just a matter of putting it honestly, but delicately, and then letting it go and moving on. at least we will have cleared the air between us and we'll have some closure on the whole thing.

and as far as J goes, well, i've been struggling with that too. missing him. wanting to email him. etc. but i know that it's all just nostalgia and that it will pass. if i can find something else to focus my attention on, then i will forget all about him. or at least i'll care about him a whole lot less. he's pretty much a jackass and i don't need that in my life. it's really sad though. at one time i thought he'd always be "the best boyfriend i ever had" and that we'd always remain the best of friends. but now here we are, and he's been demoted to the catagory of "guys i once dated who eventually just faded from my life entirely".

it's been a learning experience. painful and death defying at times, but a learning experience none the less. and i guess it's better that i learn now rather than fifty years from now. better to start over from a point of insight and experience than to keep repeating my mistakes and die from the shock of realizing i'd been wrong about everyone and everything the whole time.

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