Monday, February 27, 2006

journal entry 225...

i think my email to HI is ready, but i'm nervous to send it.

i want to just get it over with, but i have a feeling that when i send mine, she'll have to send another and so and so and so on for all of eternity. and for the past however many months, whenever i see her name of anyone elses from that group show up in my inbox i am filled with panic and dread. which is kind of why i decided to just end it. now the nerve to actually send it.

i didn't tell her i don't like her or anything mean, because i don't have the energy to even be mean about this anymore, i just told her that it pains me to know that she is friends with J&A in spite of their cruel betrayal of me. i told her that i'm still too fragile and vulnerable and that i don't feel like i can have an honest, meaningful relationship with anyone who isn't fully in my corner on this. she says she doesn't want to pick sides, but from my perspective she already has. if she doesn't have a problem with them doing something so blatantly selfish and cruel and disresepctful to me then she's already chosen their side.

at first i was kind of sad to have to lose her all over again, but now i think i'm over it. i don't want any of the others in my life at all and if i were to let her back in, somehow the rest of them would become involved too. it's easier this way, to just let them all have one another and i'll just keep moving forward in this other direction and meet and become friends with the new people i meet.

i just hope she doesn't get pissed and take offense. i hope she just says that she understands my predicament and lets it go at that. we had a good friendship while it lasted but now it's different and time to let it go and move on.

i truly am starting to feel better. stronger.

i still frequently have these long moments of melancholy and longing, but i'm starting to be okay with it. growing pains. starting over and creating a new life is always difficult and scary, but i need to do it so i just need to accept that it's going to be hard at times. in the end it will be worth it. and i really am starting to focus on other things and i'm feeling smarter and more determined and reinvigorated. things are going to be okay. eventually.

i think part of what has been difficult is that the few people i am still in touch with from that group, the people that supposedly care about me, won't allow me to talk about this thing. the J&A thing. they'll email me and say they miss me and ask how i'm doing but if i tell them i'm still hurt or angry or mention the J&A thing at all, they clam up and don't respond. it's as if i have to deny this thing in order to make them feel okay. comfortable. but it hurts me to do that. so i've decided to let them go as well. just let it do that fade out where you stop calling or writing as frequently until eventually it's over and it's been years and you can't even remember when you stopped talking. fade to black.

it's just something i need to do. i feel like it's really unhealthy and if they can't be supportive or understanding then they aren't really friends at all. and life is too short to deal with all this unnecessary baggage. i just want to let some of this burden go so i can travel freely in this new direction.

so that's that. i'm going to send the email today and hopefully it'll put all of this behind me and i can finally breathe easy and get on with my life.


Anonymous diana said...

It's such a hard thing to make a decision that puts your long-term happiness over your short-term comfort. I think that's what you're doing by closing that door completely, and it's really hard, and it does take a lot of strength.

This is something I'm thinking about a lot lately about romantic/sexual relationships (though it applies to everything, it's just that's my deal right now): how to put my long-term happiness and goals over short-term gratification, and for me, this is almost impossibly hard...I can think about it all I want, but to actually take action on it is ridiculously difficult.

So good for you. I'm not surprised you feel stronger. It's ultimately an affirmation of what you think you deserve from the people in your life and not being willing to accept anything less.

By the way, I meant to comment on this long ago: it's not petty or small for you to feel some happiness that J & A broke up...and of course she will feel regret and realize her mistake. That's why that cardinal rule exists in the first place, not to date your friend's ex-boyfriends: because the likelihood is that those relationships don't last, and then the person has lost both the friend and the boyfriend. I can't imagine she won't be regretting it in a big way. When I read that post of yours, I felt happy, too, because she did get what she deserved.

February 27, 2006 8:37 AM  

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