Monday, March 27, 2006

journal entry 236...

sleepy, crampy, cranky, weepy, bitchy. five of the seven dwarves i've been hanging out with lately. the other two are out getting candy because i already plowed though this bag of mini robin's eggs.

i've been wearing sweats all weekend and i know my jeans are going to be really tight when i try to squeeze into them today. i kind of splurged this weekend since i'm on the rag and feeling sorry for myself. i'm going to be good this week though and get myself back on the right track.

last night i had a lot of really weird dreams, but the one i remember most is one where i ran into KR or she came over or something and she'd had a baby. she referred to him as "it". not in a child abusing way, but more like a gender less way. i finally had to ask if "it" was a boy or girl and she said it was a boy named lance. i thought to myself how she must be a really terrible mother and was disappointed that we were friends again. it didn't seem like she was very happy about it either.

i'm still sort of sleepy. i'm glad i've got next week off so i can rest and relax and enjoy some free time that isn't rushed and crammed into two days. i guess it will still be sort of rushed though because i have a lot of stuff i want to do but at least it will be stuff i like and not just chores and errands.

i remember this time last year i was really stressed and annoyed because i'd invited so many people to my party and i didn't like half of them. also BR&KR had invited HJ and i was really pissed. it was one of the worst parties i've ever been to, much less thrown. it was the beginning of the end because i was really starting to realize how much i disliked all of those people who were supposedly my friends. that's one positive thing at least: i'm not around any of them anymore and i really do feel a lot more grounded and content because of it. i miss some people, but not enough to go back or change what's happened. i'm really glad to finally be rid of all of them. they were a drain on me and now i can breathe.

i guess in some ways things are better and i'm happier and in other ways they're just different or i feel apathetic about it. for the most part i'm no longer depressed or suicidal so i guess i've come at least that far over the past few months. i'm less depressed and suicidal than i was even when i was still friends with everyone. now i feel lighter, a sense of relief sort of, and little by little i'm becoming more hopeful. sometimes i have the same sensation as when BE and i moved to that two bedroom together. it was new and exciting and i felt like there was so much possibility open to me. i'm not quite THAT chipper, but i do feel better than i have in awhile.

i still haven't gone to a shrink even though i feel like i need to. mostly because i'm lazy and i don't want to have to bother with making an appointment. there are a lot of things i'm like that about. well, doctors mostly. i need to see a gyno, a dermatologist, and the eye doctor but i just put it off and put it off and eventually i'll probably find out i've got cancer of the everything.

right now i'm just typing and blabbing and i don't really even know what i'm saying. i'm not really paying attention. i just feel kind of bored and distracted...the two missing dwarves have returned apparently.

Friday, March 24, 2006

randomness ninety-eight...

when you're in the middle of it you don't notice, can't see beauty in it:

a wide panorama stretching out of a pale, tender girl pressed against a vast grey sky wandering through an empty field in her blue raincoat not weeping.

journal entry 235...

i'm glad today is friday.

i wasn't really tired when i woke up this morning but i'm still looking forward to being able to sleep in tomorrow. at least until 7.

i'm not really tired but i still feel rather blah and disinterested and like i have nothing worthwhile to say so i guess i'll end here for now and try again later when i'm not so bitchy.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

journal entry 234...

i've been so tired lately. last night i fell asleep a little after 8. i intended to stay up later, but my eyes wouldn't cooperate and i was out cold after "the simpsons". i didn't want to wake up this morning either, but i was having these weird nightmares so i finally just did. at least i'll be able to sleep in on saturday and i've got vacation coming up so i can sleep and sleep and sleep. exciting plans i've got for my time off...

yesterday i got an email from ME, one of my old friends from the old group. i had sent her an xmas card and cd but never heard back from her so i assumed she was on J&As side and didn't want to be my friend anymore, but her birthday was tuesday so i sent her an ecard. i wasn't sure how she'd react or if she'd just ignore it like KR did but i sent it anyway because i'm weak like that and i always feel guilty even when i have no reason to. i didn't want her to think i'd forgotten, even if she didn't care or want anything to do with me.

anyway, she wrote back and was really sweet and acted like nothing had happened and that she'd just been too busy to get in touch. it's annoying because it still hurts my feelings that none of my "friends" ever came to my aid to comfort or resusitate me during such a horrible time, but i guess at least she finally got back in touch. she said she's moving to portland with her boyfriend this summer so that's cool. as i was walking home yesterday i thought how nice it would be if they ALL moved away so i could have the city to myself without worrying about running into any of them. so that i could start all over with a fresh slate and no chance that any of them would blow my cover. it sucks how small this town really is and how everyone knows everyone else. it's like two degrees of separation.

but anyway, it was nice to hear from her and i think we'll meet up for a drink before she moves and i'm just going to say that i don't want to talk about J&A at all or know what's going on with them. ME and i can hangout without discussing them and then she'll move away and that'll be the end of that. it was nice knowing you, have a good life and all that. i'm glad she's moving because if she was staying i don't think i could hangout with her for fear it would get back to the rest of those losers. this way we can say goodbye and move on.

sometimes i think about moving away too. it's the idea of trying to find a new job that'll pay me what i'm making now that keeps me from doing it. i just need to really start saving up and putting away every dollar i can so that a year from now when my mom comes out, i have a nest egg to get us started with. in a way, i'd kind of like to move closer to nature, either near the water or the woods. we'll probably just end up in the 'burbs though because who can afford to live where they REALLY want to? certainly not me.

i'd love to buy a little beach bungalow with two fat oak trees in the backyard that i could hang a hammock from and with a nice wide front porch where i could have a rocking chair AND a porch swing. i think i'll start visualizing it and daydreaming about it and see if i can't make it come true. a two bedroom with a sweet little sunporch where i could write and a fireplace in the living room with nice big windows to let in the morning light. oh yes, i'm going to dream and dream and dream about it until i make it a reality. if only i'd come into a shitload of money so i'd have a down payment. why oh why did *i* have to be born into poverty? why oh why can't i have some rich uncle who'd croak and leave me all his money? woe is me.

so yeah. i'm feeling a little feistier this morning and it's not supposed to rain so i can walk to and from work again which makes a huge difference in my attitude. soon it will be sunny and seventy all the time and i'll feel happy and peaceful again.

actually, i was just thinking the other day that i've started to feel A LOT happier than i used to, even with all the rain. i mean, even when i was still friends with a million people and always had something to do. i was faking it a lot back then and i really didn't like a lot of them so i felt angry and unhappy being around them. and i felt like i had no choice because it was such a tight group there was no taking some and leaving others. it was all or nothing. now that i have nothing, it's a lot less stressful because i don't have to spend any time with the ones i hate anymore. i don't have to feel guilty or stressed making up excuses as to why i can't attend certain events. now i am truly free and i am much happier even though it was heartbreaking and hellish getting to this point.

blah, blah, blah. i'm just rambling now so i'll end here. "i said good day to you!"

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

journal entry 233...

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

yesterday i was kind of annoyed about the loss of my old "friends". sometimes it just hits me and i'm stunned that they could all abandon me in my time of need like that and just forget about me entirely. i mean, it was J&A who backstabbed me and not one of the people i considered a friend at that time even asked me how i was doing. after all of the times i'd been there for them and comforted them through rough times. when it was my turn to need comfort and guidance, they all left me out there all alone and never looked back. it's annoying that i didn't know sooner that they weren't real friends and that they didn't really care about me.

i know it's all behind me now and i'm moving on with my life and everything, but sometimes it still hurts to remember how cruel and unkind they all were to me. it seems like such a waste of time, all those years i spent with them. i really feel like i'm the only truly loyal person on the planet. not that it's done me any good thus far. maybe i should lighten up and start being less caring and always put myself first so i'm not disappointed or surprised when i get fucked over.

sheesh. i hate when i'm all cranky like this. i'm going to start my period in a couple of days so my hormones are on overdrive.

the weather has been kind of crappy lately too so i haven't been able to walk to and from work which has made me tense and paranoid that i'm going to start gaining weight again. i was doing really well and losing like i should, but for the past month i've stayed the same and i had hoped to have reached my goal by now. if it would just stop raining so i could get back on track.

blah, blah, blah, bitch, bitch, bitch. some things never change.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

journal entry 232...

i have been feeling happier and less concerned with J&A lately. i haven't run into them or seen them from my window in a very long time which makes things easier. i do still think of them however, and it's usually with hate. i guess i just can't get past that feeling. i see lots of women who look like A and at first glance, i always think they're her and i'm filled with this rage and think "you fucking bitch. you make me sick. you ugly, trendy, can't fucking think for herself, backstabbing skank." and then i realize it isn't A, it's just some lady who looks like her and i feel bad for sending those negative vibes out there to someone who isn't A. it's probably all going to come back to me at some point and it's going to be a major whammy.

sometimes i just think random hateful things like i hope they both get hit by a bus or something like that. mostly i don't really mean it, but i guess a part of me does because the thoughts pop up whether i encourage them or not. and sometimes i think, "what if they really did die? what if they really were in an accident and injured?" but to be perfectly honest, i wouldn't care. i'm not actively wishing them harm on purpose, but if something happened to either of them, i can't imagine that i'd be upset or feel bad. they didn't care that they practically killed me. they still don't.

i know that's kind of evil, but i can't help it. they're both incredibly selfish and disgusting and good riddance.

it's weird, i don't know why i woke up thinking about all that this morning. i've been pretty good about just being like, "whatever, they suck, the end." and thinking about something else. there's nothing i can do to change it. what's done is done. the damage has already happened and there's no going back, only forward. i'm trying to leave them behind and forget all about them, but sometimes the thoughts crop up and there's nothing i can do.

but that's enough about that. i still hate them, the end.

i'm glad that spring is almost here. or is it here? i guess i don't really count it until we turn the clocks forward and the days last longer.

last night i was thinking that i'm going to take advantage of my surroundings more this summer. i live in a beautiful city and have so much natural beauty around me. i'm going to picnic more and go to the park and the beach more this year. even if i have to go by myself. i'll just pretend like i'm new here and don't know anyone and i'll go on my own. maybe i'll meet people that way and maybe i won't, but at least i won't be letting the beauty go to waste. and i'm going to start dating again soon. i'm going to put myself back out there and see what happens. i'm still young. it's not like i'm going to spend the next forty years all by myself. at least i don't have to if i don't want to.

so yeah, things are changing. they're staying the same too, but lots of things are finally moving and i'm not as depressed or immobilized as i was. i hope i keep making progress and that things continue to get better. i hope that six months from now i am truly happy and in love and surrounded by real friends, people i can trust, and that i'm moving in a good direction. six months from now will almost be a year from then so it will be interesting to look back and hopefully i'll be looking back from a much happier place.

so that's that. a little bit of progress. i'm trying. i just hope i don't run into either of them for a very long time.

make that ever...

Monday, March 20, 2006

journal entry 231...

i had a really nice, relaxing weekend, but i ate like a pig and now i feel all stressed and guilty about it.

i could easily see myself developing an eating disorder because i'm such a control freak and i have such body image issues and insecurities, but fortunately i've avoided any thus far and have been trying to get in shape the healthy way. i just have these "binge weekends" where i eat an abundance of everything and then spend the next few days starving myself to make up for it. it's always an extreme with me, whether it's food or life in general, i'm always hot or cold, never a happy medium.

last night i had some stressful and troubling dreams. in one i was institutionalized and they were really cruel to me. some of the orderlies were abusive and kept threatening to attack or rape me if i didn't behave. i kept trying to escape which was considered very bad behavior obviously, and they'd harass and intimidate me. i kept waking up because i had a stomach ache, but when i'd fall back to sleep it would be another stressful, upsetting dream. it must've been something i ate.

i've been thinking about money and my future lately. i'm just not sure how i'm going to support mom and me when i'm older. i kind of want to go back to school but then i wonder what kind of career i'd get with a women's studies background anyway. it's not like there's much money to be made in any career path involving women which sucks. and i just don't have the capitalist bug either. i'm not driven to succeed and make lots of money. i just want to do something that interests me and is beneficial to humanity but that will also put food on the table and a roof over my head and pay for healthcare for the two of us. the way the world is going, it's really starting to scare me so i'm going to try and stop thinking about it now.

it's monday and i feel disoriented and distracted. i've got a lot on my mind which makes it difficult to concentrate or focus on one thing which i find really frustrating. my mind is moving in a million different directions which isn't very productive but whatever. i'm just going to keep typing no matter how convoluted this entry becomes.

i've been considering moving back to the 'burbs. i kind of miss it down there. now that i visit CA every few weeks it reminds me of old times, fun times, and i think about moving back to be closer to her and also to live closer to trees and parks and bike lanes. if i moved back down there i'd need to find a new job though, and that would be a drag.

jesus. so much stuff to stress me out. i just want to go back to bed and rest some more.

perhaps tomorrow will be better.

Friday, March 17, 2006

journal entry 230...

it was good to see McG last night. we reminisced about old times and how young and skinny we once were. we picked up right where we left off and it was like we'd never been apart. i like when that happens. he said he's in the city a couple of times a month now so we'll get together more often.

this week has been so hectic and stressful at work that i'm just exhausted. i woke up a little before my alarm this morning and wished that it was tomorrow so i could sleep in. hopefully it's not going to be like this next week. on a positive note however, my boss is taking me to lunch today to thank me for working on this mind numbing project for him all week. free food at a fancy restaurant - woohoo!

tomorrow i'm going to take the train down to spend the weekend with CA, TO, and EM. it's supposed to be sunny and clear, so that'll be a nice change. i'm fully saturated and sick of the rain. i mean, WTF? it's not like this is february for fuck sake. all i can say is it better finish up pronto coz i'm not into rain in april. that whole "april showers" nonsense is not for me. i'm ready for sunny and 70 everyday, thank you very much.

i'm feeling distracted this morning. i'm tired and a bit stressed because of the work project. i'm going in early today to try and finish it. i hope he doesn't intend for me to keep up with it indefinitely or until his seminar is over.

yesterday i was thinking how our brains are like sponges and how we have to forget some things to make room for new things. if you keep pouring water on a sponge, some of it drips through and washes down the sink. i was trying to remember some of the things i've forgotten, like old phone numbers, state capitals, the presidents, addresses, birthdays, people. so much that used to seem so important is now forgotten and i've mostly forgotten what i've forgotten so i don't even miss it. weird. and twenty years from now i'll have forgotten a lot of the stuff that seems so important to me right now.

circles, cycles, growing and all that.

i'm going to go jump in the shower so this day can hurry and be over and the weekend can start.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

journal entry 229...

the thing is, i wasn't writing in my paper journal either.

it seems that when given half a chance, i'll turn into a lazy mother fucker. so. i'm back online in order to keep writing and working on my self-improvement/"evolution".

i still haven't heard from HI or anyone else from that old life which is actually kind of a relief. i think i'm finally getting to the point where i really don't care anymore and i'm starting to get involved with my new life which distracts me from the old.

i've actually been quite busy so i don't spend as much time fretting and obsessing over J&A or any of those people anymore, although i did get a minor panic attack when i realized that J&A might still be together. it only lasted for a day though and now i'm just like, "whatever". i think i've finally even bored myself to the point where i'm tired of thinking about it and i've lost all interest or attachment to the outcome. they're both stupid assholes so it would only make sense that they'd find true love together. (if indeed they are still together and in love. i have no way of knowing, nor do i care to, actually.)

i was supposed to have a "date" last night but it fell through. he had to work late so we're resheduling for next week because i'm suddenly ms. busybutt again and have stuff to do all the way through wednesday. it's amazing how much things can change in such a short period of time.

i don't really know him, but we've been emailing back and forth for a month. he seems nice enough and attractive enough and all of that, but it's the face to face that will decide. hopefully there will be a spark for both of us but i'm not going to hold my breath. it would be nice to fall in love and have a new relationship and a new lover, but it has been so long i don't know if i even remember how to do it. if this works out it'll be cool, but if it doesn't then i guess it'll be one less thing to worry about.

tonight i'm meeting my old friend McG for drinks after work. i haven't seen him in about three years and we'd kind of lost touch but he contacted me through one of those "friendster" like things and we made plans to get together. it will be interesting because a lot has happened in the past few years and neither of us is friends with our mutual "friends" who originally introduced us. i'm going to try not to say anything bad about them - to just say "we grew apart and went different directions" and leave it at that. it's much nicer and more mature than saying "they're both a couple of fuckwits: he's a disgusting, sexist pig and she's a moronic woman/child who has no idea what she's talking about half the time and just follows him around worshipping the ground his fucked up ass walks around on. they both make me sick."

so no, i don't think i'll say all that. i'll just say we grew apart as people do, and leave it at that.

really, i have been feeling a lot better these days. i haven't cried in awhile and i'm feeling more hopeful and positive about the future. my boss even offered me a raise. she didn't say how much, but she said she was going to talk to HR and see what's up. it's been three years and she said it was bullshit. i tend to agree. i do more now than ever and my salary hasn't reflected that since 2002. i'm glad she's on my side and advocating for me. i don't care what they say, i think working for a woman is FAR better than working for a man. especially a feminist woman. she's great.

so that's what's been going on since i've been away: possible new love interest, possible salary increase, mentoring and socializing and getting on with my life. leaving the past behind and looking to the future.

last night i dreamt that i lived in this lovely cabin near a lake. the sun was setting and it was breathtakingly beautiful. it was a pretty big cabin and the lake stretched out as far as the eye could see. there were lots of trees and natural beauty surrounding it. i went to step out onto the porch but it disappeared, turning into this soft, dewy grass and i was overcome by ordinary contentment and well-being. babycat was out there too, watching the light reflecting off of the water. eventually it turned to night and became dark so we went back inside and closed the door.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

journal entry 228...

i think i am finally starting to get my life back.

where i was once consumed with J&A and could barely think of anything else, i no longer am. not that i don't still think of them frequently, mind you, but now it's with less emotion attached.

it has taken me all of these months, obviously, but i am starting to feel much better, stronger. i'm starting to make new friends and follow this new path where it leads me, even as it leads me far from my old life, my old friends, my old memories.

as i was walking to work this morning i actually noticed a split second where i was overcome with joy and a sense of well-being. i thought "how long has it been since i've felt this?" and i couldn't remember. more than a year at least, probably two.

that's not to say that much has changed however. i still do the same things and spend most of my time on my own, but i'm starting to get out more, to make an effort. and spring is here. the leaves are blooming on the trees and the bright, clear days are lasting longer.

my birthday will be here soon and i have no plans, but for some reason it doesn't bother me. maybe i'll make some, maybe i won't, but i'm not going to let it worry me. there will always be another one. for awhile, anyway.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

journal entry 227...

i think i'm going to take a break for awhile and go back to writing in my paper journal.

sometimes i just feel really disconnected from my writing when i'm typing it out and not feeling the heel of my hand dragging across the paper. i think i need to re-engage with the actual act of writing as well as the emotion connected to the words.

i've got cramps. yesterday was disappointing. sometimes reading the news makes me wish the world would just explode already. it's so full of evil and horror that it's almost impossible not to take some of it personally. especially when so much of it is directed at women.

i need to find something to feel optimistic about.

daily affirmation - march 2nd

"As you sow, so shall you reap."

Consciously having an idea or thought, and holding it in your mind is a process which will tend to attract and create that form on a material plane. "As you sow, so shall you reap." What this means is that we always attract into our lives whatever we think about most, believe in most strongly, expect on the deepest level, and imagine most vividly.

"Today I am attracting beauty, joy, and abundance into my life."

today's horoscope...

MARCH 2nd

People like what they know. If you want to persuade them to try something new, you have to tell them that this will be just like what they already know - only better! If you can do this convincingly enough, they will insist that they like it, even though they have not tried it. If the case is not made very well, it will be rejected - even though potentially it could be exceedingly popular. Be careful about whose opinion you seek - or take - today. Speak to someone who has actual experience, not just a theory or an idea.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

journal entry 226...

blogger was being stupid yesterday so i couldn't post in the morning and then i was too busy at work and then i had a "date" with my mentee and when i got home i was all wired and excited but "gilmore girls" was on so i had to watch that and then i was exhausted so i went to sleep. was that a run on?

my mentee is really sweet and i think i'm going to be a good influence on her. we have a somewhat similar background and we have lots of common interests and we get along. she's very open which i appreciate. we're off to a really good start and that makes me happy.

i sent the email to HI on monday and i haven't heard from her since. which is fine. in fact, i'd be kind of relieved to never hear from any of them again. to just have it over-donewith-gone. behind me. moving forward.

i sent a birthday ecard to KR and i haven't heard from her either, which annoys me but relieves me as well. i don't have anything to say to her, but i felt guilty about just letting her birthday go by without notice. we were "best-friends" for all those years and all. it's annoying that she didn't invite me to her party. i'm glad, because i wouldn't have gone and it would've been awkward saying no, but it's annoying too because i didn't do anything to her and now i'm obviously no longer one of her friends.

i'm such a baby.

it's the principle though. J&A fuck me over, i have a nervous breakdown, NO ONE comes to my aid, and now J&A are part of "best-friend-club" and i'm on the outs with everyone. (everyone who's stupid and i don't care about, but everyone none the less.) it's weird how that works. none of those fuckheads would even know each other if not for me. i'm the one who brought everyone together. ungrateful motherfuckers.

i started my period yesterday so i'm feeling bitchy and resentful. obviously.

i saw J as i was walking back from dropping off my mentee. i think he was heading to the corner market, but i didn't watch him the whole way. i don't think he saw me because i was on the other side of the street. he looked the same as ever. A was nowhere to be seen. bitch.

god, i'm grumpy today. i think KR ignoring my bday card annoyed me and reminded me how much i hate all of those fuckheads. they SUCK. and i really am so happy to be out of there.

i have been feeling better lately. i mean for reals. i'm starting to feel like i have a purpose again, to care about my future and what's going on in the world. i'm starting to do more stuff and i'm getting out more and i'm not feeling as "stuck". i'll get my shit together one of these days. sooner rather than later, i think.

today's horoscope...

MARCH 1st

March? You would really prefer not to. Too much of 2006 has already been spent performing some exhausting, military-style exercise involving covering a lot of ground very quickly, whilst carrying a heavy burden on your back. Now, what you would like to be told is that it is safe to amble in a much more relaxed, spontaneous fashion. Happily, though the name of the month may imply an order that you don't especially want to carry out, the month itself contains a request you will feel delighted to comply with.