Thursday, March 16, 2006

journal entry 229...

the thing is, i wasn't writing in my paper journal either.

it seems that when given half a chance, i'll turn into a lazy mother fucker. so. i'm back online in order to keep writing and working on my self-improvement/"evolution".

i still haven't heard from HI or anyone else from that old life which is actually kind of a relief. i think i'm finally getting to the point where i really don't care anymore and i'm starting to get involved with my new life which distracts me from the old.

i've actually been quite busy so i don't spend as much time fretting and obsessing over J&A or any of those people anymore, although i did get a minor panic attack when i realized that J&A might still be together. it only lasted for a day though and now i'm just like, "whatever". i think i've finally even bored myself to the point where i'm tired of thinking about it and i've lost all interest or attachment to the outcome. they're both stupid assholes so it would only make sense that they'd find true love together. (if indeed they are still together and in love. i have no way of knowing, nor do i care to, actually.)

i was supposed to have a "date" last night but it fell through. he had to work late so we're resheduling for next week because i'm suddenly ms. busybutt again and have stuff to do all the way through wednesday. it's amazing how much things can change in such a short period of time.

i don't really know him, but we've been emailing back and forth for a month. he seems nice enough and attractive enough and all of that, but it's the face to face that will decide. hopefully there will be a spark for both of us but i'm not going to hold my breath. it would be nice to fall in love and have a new relationship and a new lover, but it has been so long i don't know if i even remember how to do it. if this works out it'll be cool, but if it doesn't then i guess it'll be one less thing to worry about.

tonight i'm meeting my old friend McG for drinks after work. i haven't seen him in about three years and we'd kind of lost touch but he contacted me through one of those "friendster" like things and we made plans to get together. it will be interesting because a lot has happened in the past few years and neither of us is friends with our mutual "friends" who originally introduced us. i'm going to try not to say anything bad about them - to just say "we grew apart and went different directions" and leave it at that. it's much nicer and more mature than saying "they're both a couple of fuckwits: he's a disgusting, sexist pig and she's a moronic woman/child who has no idea what she's talking about half the time and just follows him around worshipping the ground his fucked up ass walks around on. they both make me sick."

so no, i don't think i'll say all that. i'll just say we grew apart as people do, and leave it at that.

really, i have been feeling a lot better these days. i haven't cried in awhile and i'm feeling more hopeful and positive about the future. my boss even offered me a raise. she didn't say how much, but she said she was going to talk to HR and see what's up. it's been three years and she said it was bullshit. i tend to agree. i do more now than ever and my salary hasn't reflected that since 2002. i'm glad she's on my side and advocating for me. i don't care what they say, i think working for a woman is FAR better than working for a man. especially a feminist woman. she's great.

so that's what's been going on since i've been away: possible new love interest, possible salary increase, mentoring and socializing and getting on with my life. leaving the past behind and looking to the future.

last night i dreamt that i lived in this lovely cabin near a lake. the sun was setting and it was breathtakingly beautiful. it was a pretty big cabin and the lake stretched out as far as the eye could see. there were lots of trees and natural beauty surrounding it. i went to step out onto the porch but it disappeared, turning into this soft, dewy grass and i was overcome by ordinary contentment and well-being. babycat was out there too, watching the light reflecting off of the water. eventually it turned to night and became dark so we went back inside and closed the door.

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