Monday, March 20, 2006

journal entry 231...

i had a really nice, relaxing weekend, but i ate like a pig and now i feel all stressed and guilty about it.

i could easily see myself developing an eating disorder because i'm such a control freak and i have such body image issues and insecurities, but fortunately i've avoided any thus far and have been trying to get in shape the healthy way. i just have these "binge weekends" where i eat an abundance of everything and then spend the next few days starving myself to make up for it. it's always an extreme with me, whether it's food or life in general, i'm always hot or cold, never a happy medium.

last night i had some stressful and troubling dreams. in one i was institutionalized and they were really cruel to me. some of the orderlies were abusive and kept threatening to attack or rape me if i didn't behave. i kept trying to escape which was considered very bad behavior obviously, and they'd harass and intimidate me. i kept waking up because i had a stomach ache, but when i'd fall back to sleep it would be another stressful, upsetting dream. it must've been something i ate.

i've been thinking about money and my future lately. i'm just not sure how i'm going to support mom and me when i'm older. i kind of want to go back to school but then i wonder what kind of career i'd get with a women's studies background anyway. it's not like there's much money to be made in any career path involving women which sucks. and i just don't have the capitalist bug either. i'm not driven to succeed and make lots of money. i just want to do something that interests me and is beneficial to humanity but that will also put food on the table and a roof over my head and pay for healthcare for the two of us. the way the world is going, it's really starting to scare me so i'm going to try and stop thinking about it now.

it's monday and i feel disoriented and distracted. i've got a lot on my mind which makes it difficult to concentrate or focus on one thing which i find really frustrating. my mind is moving in a million different directions which isn't very productive but whatever. i'm just going to keep typing no matter how convoluted this entry becomes.

i've been considering moving back to the 'burbs. i kind of miss it down there. now that i visit CA every few weeks it reminds me of old times, fun times, and i think about moving back to be closer to her and also to live closer to trees and parks and bike lanes. if i moved back down there i'd need to find a new job though, and that would be a drag.

jesus. so much stuff to stress me out. i just want to go back to bed and rest some more.

perhaps tomorrow will be better.


Blogger Bobby said...

At least you don't have the flu.

Like me.

I'm out lookin for flu sympathy...

March 20, 2006 8:53 PM  

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