Tuesday, March 21, 2006

journal entry 232...

i have been feeling happier and less concerned with J&A lately. i haven't run into them or seen them from my window in a very long time which makes things easier. i do still think of them however, and it's usually with hate. i guess i just can't get past that feeling. i see lots of women who look like A and at first glance, i always think they're her and i'm filled with this rage and think "you fucking bitch. you make me sick. you ugly, trendy, can't fucking think for herself, backstabbing skank." and then i realize it isn't A, it's just some lady who looks like her and i feel bad for sending those negative vibes out there to someone who isn't A. it's probably all going to come back to me at some point and it's going to be a major whammy.

sometimes i just think random hateful things like i hope they both get hit by a bus or something like that. mostly i don't really mean it, but i guess a part of me does because the thoughts pop up whether i encourage them or not. and sometimes i think, "what if they really did die? what if they really were in an accident and injured?" but to be perfectly honest, i wouldn't care. i'm not actively wishing them harm on purpose, but if something happened to either of them, i can't imagine that i'd be upset or feel bad. they didn't care that they practically killed me. they still don't.

i know that's kind of evil, but i can't help it. they're both incredibly selfish and disgusting and good riddance.

it's weird, i don't know why i woke up thinking about all that this morning. i've been pretty good about just being like, "whatever, they suck, the end." and thinking about something else. there's nothing i can do to change it. what's done is done. the damage has already happened and there's no going back, only forward. i'm trying to leave them behind and forget all about them, but sometimes the thoughts crop up and there's nothing i can do.

but that's enough about that. i still hate them, the end.

i'm glad that spring is almost here. or is it here? i guess i don't really count it until we turn the clocks forward and the days last longer.

last night i was thinking that i'm going to take advantage of my surroundings more this summer. i live in a beautiful city and have so much natural beauty around me. i'm going to picnic more and go to the park and the beach more this year. even if i have to go by myself. i'll just pretend like i'm new here and don't know anyone and i'll go on my own. maybe i'll meet people that way and maybe i won't, but at least i won't be letting the beauty go to waste. and i'm going to start dating again soon. i'm going to put myself back out there and see what happens. i'm still young. it's not like i'm going to spend the next forty years all by myself. at least i don't have to if i don't want to.

so yeah, things are changing. they're staying the same too, but lots of things are finally moving and i'm not as depressed or immobilized as i was. i hope i keep making progress and that things continue to get better. i hope that six months from now i am truly happy and in love and surrounded by real friends, people i can trust, and that i'm moving in a good direction. six months from now will almost be a year from then so it will be interesting to look back and hopefully i'll be looking back from a much happier place.

so that's that. a little bit of progress. i'm trying. i just hope i don't run into either of them for a very long time.

make that ever...


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