Thursday, March 23, 2006

journal entry 234...

i've been so tired lately. last night i fell asleep a little after 8. i intended to stay up later, but my eyes wouldn't cooperate and i was out cold after "the simpsons". i didn't want to wake up this morning either, but i was having these weird nightmares so i finally just did. at least i'll be able to sleep in on saturday and i've got vacation coming up so i can sleep and sleep and sleep. exciting plans i've got for my time off...

yesterday i got an email from ME, one of my old friends from the old group. i had sent her an xmas card and cd but never heard back from her so i assumed she was on J&As side and didn't want to be my friend anymore, but her birthday was tuesday so i sent her an ecard. i wasn't sure how she'd react or if she'd just ignore it like KR did but i sent it anyway because i'm weak like that and i always feel guilty even when i have no reason to. i didn't want her to think i'd forgotten, even if she didn't care or want anything to do with me.

anyway, she wrote back and was really sweet and acted like nothing had happened and that she'd just been too busy to get in touch. it's annoying because it still hurts my feelings that none of my "friends" ever came to my aid to comfort or resusitate me during such a horrible time, but i guess at least she finally got back in touch. she said she's moving to portland with her boyfriend this summer so that's cool. as i was walking home yesterday i thought how nice it would be if they ALL moved away so i could have the city to myself without worrying about running into any of them. so that i could start all over with a fresh slate and no chance that any of them would blow my cover. it sucks how small this town really is and how everyone knows everyone else. it's like two degrees of separation.

but anyway, it was nice to hear from her and i think we'll meet up for a drink before she moves and i'm just going to say that i don't want to talk about J&A at all or know what's going on with them. ME and i can hangout without discussing them and then she'll move away and that'll be the end of that. it was nice knowing you, have a good life and all that. i'm glad she's moving because if she was staying i don't think i could hangout with her for fear it would get back to the rest of those losers. this way we can say goodbye and move on.

sometimes i think about moving away too. it's the idea of trying to find a new job that'll pay me what i'm making now that keeps me from doing it. i just need to really start saving up and putting away every dollar i can so that a year from now when my mom comes out, i have a nest egg to get us started with. in a way, i'd kind of like to move closer to nature, either near the water or the woods. we'll probably just end up in the 'burbs though because who can afford to live where they REALLY want to? certainly not me.

i'd love to buy a little beach bungalow with two fat oak trees in the backyard that i could hang a hammock from and with a nice wide front porch where i could have a rocking chair AND a porch swing. i think i'll start visualizing it and daydreaming about it and see if i can't make it come true. a two bedroom with a sweet little sunporch where i could write and a fireplace in the living room with nice big windows to let in the morning light. oh yes, i'm going to dream and dream and dream about it until i make it a reality. if only i'd come into a shitload of money so i'd have a down payment. why oh why did *i* have to be born into poverty? why oh why can't i have some rich uncle who'd croak and leave me all his money? woe is me.

so yeah. i'm feeling a little feistier this morning and it's not supposed to rain so i can walk to and from work again which makes a huge difference in my attitude. soon it will be sunny and seventy all the time and i'll feel happy and peaceful again.

actually, i was just thinking the other day that i've started to feel A LOT happier than i used to, even with all the rain. i mean, even when i was still friends with a million people and always had something to do. i was faking it a lot back then and i really didn't like a lot of them so i felt angry and unhappy being around them. and i felt like i had no choice because it was such a tight group there was no taking some and leaving others. it was all or nothing. now that i have nothing, it's a lot less stressful because i don't have to spend any time with the ones i hate anymore. i don't have to feel guilty or stressed making up excuses as to why i can't attend certain events. now i am truly free and i am much happier even though it was heartbreaking and hellish getting to this point.

blah, blah, blah. i'm just rambling now so i'll end here. "i said good day to you!"

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