Monday, March 27, 2006

journal entry 236...

sleepy, crampy, cranky, weepy, bitchy. five of the seven dwarves i've been hanging out with lately. the other two are out getting candy because i already plowed though this bag of mini robin's eggs.

i've been wearing sweats all weekend and i know my jeans are going to be really tight when i try to squeeze into them today. i kind of splurged this weekend since i'm on the rag and feeling sorry for myself. i'm going to be good this week though and get myself back on the right track.

last night i had a lot of really weird dreams, but the one i remember most is one where i ran into KR or she came over or something and she'd had a baby. she referred to him as "it". not in a child abusing way, but more like a gender less way. i finally had to ask if "it" was a boy or girl and she said it was a boy named lance. i thought to myself how she must be a really terrible mother and was disappointed that we were friends again. it didn't seem like she was very happy about it either.

i'm still sort of sleepy. i'm glad i've got next week off so i can rest and relax and enjoy some free time that isn't rushed and crammed into two days. i guess it will still be sort of rushed though because i have a lot of stuff i want to do but at least it will be stuff i like and not just chores and errands.

i remember this time last year i was really stressed and annoyed because i'd invited so many people to my party and i didn't like half of them. also BR&KR had invited HJ and i was really pissed. it was one of the worst parties i've ever been to, much less thrown. it was the beginning of the end because i was really starting to realize how much i disliked all of those people who were supposedly my friends. that's one positive thing at least: i'm not around any of them anymore and i really do feel a lot more grounded and content because of it. i miss some people, but not enough to go back or change what's happened. i'm really glad to finally be rid of all of them. they were a drain on me and now i can breathe.

i guess in some ways things are better and i'm happier and in other ways they're just different or i feel apathetic about it. for the most part i'm no longer depressed or suicidal so i guess i've come at least that far over the past few months. i'm less depressed and suicidal than i was even when i was still friends with everyone. now i feel lighter, a sense of relief sort of, and little by little i'm becoming more hopeful. sometimes i have the same sensation as when BE and i moved to that two bedroom together. it was new and exciting and i felt like there was so much possibility open to me. i'm not quite THAT chipper, but i do feel better than i have in awhile.

i still haven't gone to a shrink even though i feel like i need to. mostly because i'm lazy and i don't want to have to bother with making an appointment. there are a lot of things i'm like that about. well, doctors mostly. i need to see a gyno, a dermatologist, and the eye doctor but i just put it off and put it off and eventually i'll probably find out i've got cancer of the everything.

right now i'm just typing and blabbing and i don't really even know what i'm saying. i'm not really paying attention. i just feel kind of bored and distracted...the two missing dwarves have returned apparently.


Blogger The Creative Death said...

I know what you mean about not being so depressed anymore. everything doesn't feel so hopeless anymore.
having hope is an odd thing, an odd feeling, don't you think?
Its a good post, sometimes typing and blabbling is the best way to get everything you wanted to say, and some things you didn't even know you wanted to say out.

April 02, 2006 12:29 AM  

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