Saturday, April 29, 2006

journal entry 244...

i dreamt that i moved into a house in palo alto with two sisters and one of their boyfriends. i knew immediately that i'd made a huge mistake and i wanted to pack my stuff up and move back to my old apartment but i knew it had been rented. i kept trying to reassure myself that it would be okay, though. that i was only going to have to live with the women and the boyfriend for a year or two and i was going to save a few hundred dollars in rent.

i was filled with this sense of panic and dread that i had made such a foolish decision and when i finally woke up, the relief was overwhelming.

it's weird how when this all first went down i was so panicked and upset and lonesome and now i'm quite the opposite. the idea of living with someone or having someone in my space all the time is such an unpleasant prospect i don't even like to consider it. i wonder if this too is only a stage or if i'm actually turning into a reclusive, spinster, cat lady at this young age.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

journal entry 243...

i was exhausted from work so i fell asleep early last night.

it was a busy weekend and then yesterday i was swamped at work so i passed out as soon as i got into bed last night. dream after dream after dream. i can't really remember the specifics but that they all started out nice and ended stressful and upsetting.

in the last one i just woke up from, i had decided to become involved with that actor from the show after the simpsons, michael rappaport? something like that. anyway, in the dream i wasn't really attracted to him but i decided to commit to him anyway because he really seemed to love me. as soon as i did i was sorry and immediately thought of how painful and difficult the break up would be whenever i got around to it. then there were the issues of where we were going to live and it was all very complicated and i was really, really angry. shouting and screaming and throwing a fit. i was relieved when i woke up on my own.

things in general are starting to go well for me. it's sunny more frequently, i got a raise at work, i've been feeling happier and more connected to things. i'm starting to socialize more and get back into volunteering and activism and all of that stuff i left behind last fall. i joined a new feminist group which is a lot more diverse and interesting than the one i was in with A and those other women. i don't know, i'm just starting to feel hopeful again, like there is a chance to move in a new direction and do the things i want to do and that there are other people out there like me and i will find them. we'll find each other.

anyway, i'm rambling and disoriented from just waking up. i've fallen out of the habit of writing and i need to get back into it. i've changed and progressed a lot over the past seven months and this journal reflects that. i can't leave holes anywhere or i won't see it. i need to wake up a bit first though. that's my excuse this morning anyway...

Monday, April 24, 2006

journal entry 242...

i had lots of bizarre and hectic dreams last night. in one i was back in junior high, trying to figure out the lunch line which was always my biggest stressor at a new school. i hated it and skipped lunch all the time because i was so shy and afraid of making a mistake and being laughed at.

in another dream, babycat and i were on the beach, of all places, and we were playing fetch. she was going nuts and having a great time but i could see she was swallowing all of this sand and i got worried. i gave her the heimlich and she kept coughing out these huge puffs of sand.

there were lots of others that i can only remember little snippets of, like a warm day where the ground was covered with a thick blanket of snow, falling asleep in the bathtub and almost letting the water overflow, trying to make a million binders before work and the copy machine breaking down before i finished, etc. etc.

no wonder i'm tired this morning. i had a busy night sleeping.

dad called last night. he said that he and CA are planning to come out here to visit this summer. that's really exciting because my parents have always been the kind of people to tell you they're going to do something and get your hopes all up and then not follow through. he mentioned coming out this summer when i spoke to him at christmas though, and i figured that was the end of it. the fact that he brought it up again, on his own, is a pretty good sign it's actually going to happen.

i'm excited because he and CA have never been out here. i don't know if my dad's ever been here, but definitely not in the last fifteen years since i got here. i'm excited to show them around. i'm going to have to take time off of work so i can spend it with them. they probably won't ever be back so i need to make the most of it. the last time i saw them was a few summers ago when J and i went back there to visit. it will be good to have them out here though, where there's more to do and see. i'm so excited to do all the touristy stuff with them. i think they'll love it out here.

a few things are starting to look up for me. i'm feeling better. more hopeful and positive. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the sun has finally come out again. it was so dreary and soggy and depressing for so long. i've been able to walk to and from work for the past week and it's made a difference. and i hardly think of J at all anymore. i mean, i do, but not as deeply or intimately. he comes to mind and i let him go again. it is getting easier to move on.

it's weird how that works. how the weather and the stars and loneliness and depression all conspire against you and everything seems like it's the end of the world. and then just as you think it'll never get better, the clouds part, the stars align and things start to look brighter again. all of the stuff that bummed you out kind of gets lost in the glare of sunshine.

today's horoscope...

APRIL 24th

What's needed now is a new idea. A better one. But not necessarily a bigger one. Big is not necessarily best. Often, small and subtle is far more effective. The change that now needs to come about - in your domestic world and in other areas of life, too, is not a dramatic one. It need not involve making a move - or even a declaration. It involves shifting something inwardly. Changing the way you look at a key set of factors. Being honest with yourself about what you want. Then setting out to attain it.

Friday, April 14, 2006

hit the switch - lyrics by bright eyes

i'm staring out into that vacuum again,
from the back porch of my mind
the only thing that's alive
i'm all there is

and i start attacking my vodka
stab the ice with my straw
my eyes have turned red as stop-lights
you seem ready to walk
you know i'll call you eventually
when i want to talk
till then you're invisible

coz there's this switch that gets hit
and it all stops making sense
in the middle of drinks maybe the fifth or the sixth
i'm completely alone at a table of friends
i feel nothing for them
i feel nothing
nothing

i need a break from the city again
i think i'll ship myself back west
i got a friend there she says, "hey anytime."

unless the offer's expired
i have been less than frequent
she's under no obligation to indulge every whim
and i'm so ungrateful
i take
she gives and forgives
and i keep forgetting it

and each morning she wakes with a dream to describe
something lovely that bloomed in her beautiful mind
i say, i'll trade you one for two nightmares of mine
i have some where i die
i have some where we all die

i'm thinking of quitting drinking again
i know i've said that a couple of times
and i'm always changing my mind

i guess i am
but there's this burn in my stomach
and there's this pain in my side
and when i kneel at the toilet
and the morning's clean light
pours in through the window
sometimes i pray i don't die
i'm a goddamn hypocrite

but then night rolls around
and it all starts making sense
there is no right way or wrong way
you just have to live
and so i do what i do and at least i exist
what could mean more than this?
what would mean more?
mean more...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

journal entry 241...

i've been so exhausted the past few days.

work has been really hectic and i've only been getting 5-6 hours of sleep each night. i wake up groggy and disoriented, always wishing it was saturday so i could go back to sleep.

i know there was something i wanted to say but i can't remember it at the moment. maybe later.

today's horoscope...

APRIL 13th

Got a cosmic order that you want to put in? Right now, while the Moon is Full in your opposite sign, it's a fine time to file a wish list. But be careful. It's not that your supplications are due to go unheeded, more that you're not likely to be asking for what you really want so much as for something that someone else wants you to want. Or that you feel you ought to want. Or that you 'want to want'. There's an unnecessary edge of fear colouring your judgement at the moment. Shrug that off before you make too many big choices. Work some Full Moon magic.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

vienna - lyrics by billy joel

slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
but then if you're so smart, tell me
why are you still so afraid?

where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
you'd better cool it off before you burn it out
you've got so much to do and
only so many hours in a day

but you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you get old
you're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?

slow down, you're doing fine
you can't be everything you want to be
before your time
although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
tonight...

too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
though you can see when you're wrong, you know
you can't always see when you're right. you're right

you've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?

slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?

and you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
you're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
why don't you realize, vienna waits for you
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?

journal entry 240...

last night i dreamt that J and i got back together and i was utterly disappointed.

my dreams were all over the place, but this one had to do with a party or something. i had run into MY at a laundromat or or some such place and she started talking to me about how she'd read the email i sent to A and how she totally agreed with me and how A was a big fat backstabbing skank and how she totally understood how i felt about the whole thing.

then she told me that she was having people over and i should stop by. suddenly i was in what i guess was her apartment and there were some people from my old group and a few unfamiliar faces and J and i were dancing to a slow song all close and lame like in high school. (i knew it was him even though he reminded me of someone else too. maybe he was a composite of a few old boyfriends?)

anyway, we talked a bit and the next thing i knew he was announcing to the room that we were back together and i was relieved and felt i'd achieved a great goal, but at the same time i felt really defeated and disappointed because i knew in my gut that i didn't want to be with him and that i'd made a terrible mistake.

the dream switched to something totally different after that but i woke up this morning remembering the sensation of realizing that i was back with J and wishing i wasn't.

i'm going through this internal struggle where i keep pressuring myself to get out there and start dating again and meet someone before it's too late and i'm too old but there's this other part of me that is actually kind of content all on my own with no one to distract me or have to negotiate with. or maybe i'm just lazy. i don't know, when i think of getting up and getting out i'm kind of like "eh" and think about how comfortable and content i am snuggled up on the couch with babycat and a good movie.

i wonder if that's healthy or if it's weird. am i fooling myself or is it really okay? what if i don't ever put myself back out there and i spend the rest of my life alone? is that okay or will it mean i'm a failure? can i just remember all of the good relationships and love affairs i've had and feel a sense of accomplishment in that or will i actually just be giving up?

i have no idea. i don't even know what i want really. i guess i've just decided to do what i do and what feels right and hopefully all the little things will add up to something big that i'll feel happy and satisfied with in the end.
everything is everything
everything is everything
what is meant to be, will be
after winter, must come spring
change, it comes eventually...

- from "everything is everything" by lauryn hill

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

come around - lyrics by rhett miller

i'm dressed all in blue
and i'm rememberin you
and the dress you wore,
when you broke my heart
i'm depressed upstairs
and i'm rememberin where
and when and how and why
you have to go so far

am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
i'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
unless you come around
so come around

i'm dressed all in white
and i remember the night
you came onto me
and opened up my heart
i was hollow then, till you filled me in
now i'm empty again
i should have never let it start

am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
i'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
unless you come around
so come around

no one else can fix me
although sometimes my heart tricks me
into thinkin someone else will do
you are the only one, you are the only one

am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
i'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
unless you come around, so come around
so come around
so come around

i'm dressed all in blue
and i'm rememberin you
and the dress you wore,
when you broke my heart

journal entry 239...

i dreamt that the craigslist date and i finally got together for a drink and it turned out he had been flaking because he was married.

i was really hurt and pissed and asked him why he would reply to my ad when it clearly said i was looking for an LTR. he gave me some half-assed answer and i wasn't impressed so i told him to go fuck himself. it ended with me running down these stairs screaming "fuck you!" over my shoulder and him shouting it back at me. we were in a mall or something and everyone stopped what they were doing to look at us. i didn't really care about them or notice. mostly i was just wondering where he got off saying "fuck you" to me when i hadn't done anything wrong.

then babycat's cries woke me up so i got out of bed to feed her.

recently i've been thinking i should put more food in her bowl at night. i mean, what if i died? i'm not sure how long it would take someone to find her and i'd hate for her to have to resort to eating my face off or something.

these are the types of things i think when i'm alone. because i like to be prepared for the worst, and also probably because i'm crazy.

i weighed myself yesterday and i have gained five pounds so i'm back on my health kick: no more candy and somehow more exercise.

yesterday the rain cleared up so i was able to walk to and from work which was lovely. i feel so much better and more grounded when i can clear my head on the walk to work. i can hear it raining now though so i'll probably have to take the bus today. the extended forecast shows rain through sunday and then there are bright yellow suns for the following week so i hope that means the rain will finally be behind us by next week. pleasepleaseplease.

i did better with my tv viewing last night. i usually turn it on right when i walk in the door, but last night i didn't turn it on until 7:30 so that was two fewer hours than usual.

i wanted to stop at a cafe on my way home last night and spend some time writing but my neighborhood doesn't have any good cafes. well, it does, but they all close by 3 pm which does me no good when i'm getting off work. it's all bars around here and i'm trying to avoid booze as part of my health kick. also i want to save money.

anyway, the point is there's nowhere for me to go to write after work so i need to figure out a routine to get me in the habit anyway. anywayanywayanyway.

i also dreamt that we were trying to march in the immigration rights march and they got mad at us and took our signs away and threw them in the back of this truck. in another dream i had to go pee really bad and i didn't pull my pants down all the way so i ended up peeing down the back of my pants leg. some guy walked in on me and started laughing and it really upset me.

lots of dreams of frustration and humiliation. i wonder what it all means. ha.

you know what's a good song? vienna, by billy joel.

Monday, April 10, 2006

happy - lyrics by jenny lewis

i'd rather be lonely
i'd rather be free
i'm as sure as the moon rolls around the sea
but i like watching you undress
and i think we're at our best
by the flicker, by the light of the t.v. set
'cos i can't remember why i hated you
can't remember why i still do
but i'm as sure as the moon rolls around you
that i could be happy, happy
oh, so happy, happy
oh, so happy, so happy

they warn you about killers and thieves in night
i worry about cancer and living right
but my momma never warned me about my own destructive appetite
or the pitfalls of control
how it locks you in your grave
looking for someone to be saved under my restraint
so i could be happy, happy
oh so happy, happy
oh so happy, happy
so happy, so happy

i'm as sure as the moon rolls around

journal entry 238...

last night i dreamt it snowed and i skidded down the street in my stockinged feet.

it wasn't cold out and the snow was starting to melt so i had to be careful that i didn't hit any melted spots and wipe out. i kept thinking of the people inside their houses watching me skid by and how they must've chuckled to themselves at the absurdity of a grown woman acting so silly. and that they must've been slightly envious too that i had the nerve to do such a thing.

another dream had something to do with J and him moving. i was staying in his room while he was out and it was very messy and dirty so i started cleaning it up then it switched to be ME's room but i didn't feel any differently about it. there was a sense of longing in me but also a sense that we were still together, or at least still very close.

i was supposed to have a "date" last thursday with a guy from craigslist but he cancelled again. i was kind of relieved because i don't think i'm ready yet. this was the third cancellation. the first time was him, the second time was me and this time was him again. i'm getting the feeling that it's not meant to be so i kind of hope that's the end of it and that i don't hear from him anymore.

i'm still too fragile and insecure to deal with the complexities of dating. i'll get there someday, but i'm not going to rush myself. i don't want to put myself back out there too soon and suffer another crushing blow when i'm not quite strong enough to weather it. maybe by summer, when it's warmer out and we can meet on the patio somewhere for a nice, pressure free beer.

it's been raining so much i'm sick of it. i haven't been able to walk to and from work for the past month which has kind of thrown off my sense of well-being as well as making me all paranoid that i'm gaining weight. i think i've put on 3-5 pounds because i've been lazy and weird and trying to stuff down any grief with starbursts and peanut m&ms.

i spent all week watching tv and surfing the net and basically just being totally lazy and good for nothing. i'm afraid i'm going to go blind from looking at the glowing screen for so many hours straight. my eyes really do feel boggled and worn out. this week i'm going to watch less tv and read a few books instead so my eyes don't give out. i swear, even after a full night's sleep they're still tired and sore. i wonder if it's cause for alarm.

yesterday i watched "sunday morning" or whatever it is on CBS and this guy was talking about how great jenny lewis and rhett miller are so i decided to download a few songs. he was right. it kind of made me feel like shit though because i want to be able to write something brilliant and lovely but i haven't been able to in so long. i haven't really pushed myself or anything but sometimes i feel like i've lost it. my "knack" or my desire or my "gumption" or whatever.

maybe i'm just lazy though. maybe i do still have it in me. maybe i just haven't pushed myself and i've let it all slide. maybe that dream was about me watching from my window with envy as the other me skidded past giddy and amazed at the beauty of it all.

today's horoscope...

APRIL 10th

How can you know what you don't know? How can you map territory you have never visited? How can you plan for circumstances you have no experience of? Er... actually, we have to ask whether you really are quite so unfamiliar with the processes that are now taking place? You've got more experience than you realise... and more power than you recognise. If you relax and trust your own resourcefulness, you'll instinctively make all the right choices this week and they'll lead you to some very pleasing results.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

journal entry 237...

J sent me an email for my birthday. he got the day wrong but whatever. the important thing is that i don't even care. i saw his name in my inbox and nothing happened - no racing heart, no belly flopping, no sweaty palms or sadness - just emptiness. as if it's all really behind me and there's nothing left to feel about it anymore.

i guess i am glad he remembered. if he hadn't written i probably would have been disappointed and hurt so i guess although i feel nothing about it now i would've felt something about it had he forgotten.

it's weird. i'm glad it's over. i'm glad i survived it and came out on the other side of grief, but i guess i'm kind of sad at the same time too. letting go of the pain and the sorrow is letting go of all of it.

it seems like it was all so long ago. when i think of our relationship and the things we did together, the memories we shared, it seems like it happened to someone else, like i wasn't really there but was just watching it all through a window.

it wasn't that long ago really, but it was a lifetime ago anyway.