Sunday, April 02, 2006

journal entry 237...

J sent me an email for my birthday. he got the day wrong but whatever. the important thing is that i don't even care. i saw his name in my inbox and nothing happened - no racing heart, no belly flopping, no sweaty palms or sadness - just emptiness. as if it's all really behind me and there's nothing left to feel about it anymore.

i guess i am glad he remembered. if he hadn't written i probably would have been disappointed and hurt so i guess although i feel nothing about it now i would've felt something about it had he forgotten.

it's weird. i'm glad it's over. i'm glad i survived it and came out on the other side of grief, but i guess i'm kind of sad at the same time too. letting go of the pain and the sorrow is letting go of all of it.

it seems like it was all so long ago. when i think of our relationship and the things we did together, the memories we shared, it seems like it happened to someone else, like i wasn't really there but was just watching it all through a window.

it wasn't that long ago really, but it was a lifetime ago anyway.

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