Monday, April 10, 2006

journal entry 238...

last night i dreamt it snowed and i skidded down the street in my stockinged feet.

it wasn't cold out and the snow was starting to melt so i had to be careful that i didn't hit any melted spots and wipe out. i kept thinking of the people inside their houses watching me skid by and how they must've chuckled to themselves at the absurdity of a grown woman acting so silly. and that they must've been slightly envious too that i had the nerve to do such a thing.

another dream had something to do with J and him moving. i was staying in his room while he was out and it was very messy and dirty so i started cleaning it up then it switched to be ME's room but i didn't feel any differently about it. there was a sense of longing in me but also a sense that we were still together, or at least still very close.

i was supposed to have a "date" last thursday with a guy from craigslist but he cancelled again. i was kind of relieved because i don't think i'm ready yet. this was the third cancellation. the first time was him, the second time was me and this time was him again. i'm getting the feeling that it's not meant to be so i kind of hope that's the end of it and that i don't hear from him anymore.

i'm still too fragile and insecure to deal with the complexities of dating. i'll get there someday, but i'm not going to rush myself. i don't want to put myself back out there too soon and suffer another crushing blow when i'm not quite strong enough to weather it. maybe by summer, when it's warmer out and we can meet on the patio somewhere for a nice, pressure free beer.

it's been raining so much i'm sick of it. i haven't been able to walk to and from work for the past month which has kind of thrown off my sense of well-being as well as making me all paranoid that i'm gaining weight. i think i've put on 3-5 pounds because i've been lazy and weird and trying to stuff down any grief with starbursts and peanut m&ms.

i spent all week watching tv and surfing the net and basically just being totally lazy and good for nothing. i'm afraid i'm going to go blind from looking at the glowing screen for so many hours straight. my eyes really do feel boggled and worn out. this week i'm going to watch less tv and read a few books instead so my eyes don't give out. i swear, even after a full night's sleep they're still tired and sore. i wonder if it's cause for alarm.

yesterday i watched "sunday morning" or whatever it is on CBS and this guy was talking about how great jenny lewis and rhett miller are so i decided to download a few songs. he was right. it kind of made me feel like shit though because i want to be able to write something brilliant and lovely but i haven't been able to in so long. i haven't really pushed myself or anything but sometimes i feel like i've lost it. my "knack" or my desire or my "gumption" or whatever.

maybe i'm just lazy though. maybe i do still have it in me. maybe i just haven't pushed myself and i've let it all slide. maybe that dream was about me watching from my window with envy as the other me skidded past giddy and amazed at the beauty of it all.

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