Wednesday, April 12, 2006

journal entry 240...

last night i dreamt that J and i got back together and i was utterly disappointed.

my dreams were all over the place, but this one had to do with a party or something. i had run into MY at a laundromat or or some such place and she started talking to me about how she'd read the email i sent to A and how she totally agreed with me and how A was a big fat backstabbing skank and how she totally understood how i felt about the whole thing.

then she told me that she was having people over and i should stop by. suddenly i was in what i guess was her apartment and there were some people from my old group and a few unfamiliar faces and J and i were dancing to a slow song all close and lame like in high school. (i knew it was him even though he reminded me of someone else too. maybe he was a composite of a few old boyfriends?)

anyway, we talked a bit and the next thing i knew he was announcing to the room that we were back together and i was relieved and felt i'd achieved a great goal, but at the same time i felt really defeated and disappointed because i knew in my gut that i didn't want to be with him and that i'd made a terrible mistake.

the dream switched to something totally different after that but i woke up this morning remembering the sensation of realizing that i was back with J and wishing i wasn't.

i'm going through this internal struggle where i keep pressuring myself to get out there and start dating again and meet someone before it's too late and i'm too old but there's this other part of me that is actually kind of content all on my own with no one to distract me or have to negotiate with. or maybe i'm just lazy. i don't know, when i think of getting up and getting out i'm kind of like "eh" and think about how comfortable and content i am snuggled up on the couch with babycat and a good movie.

i wonder if that's healthy or if it's weird. am i fooling myself or is it really okay? what if i don't ever put myself back out there and i spend the rest of my life alone? is that okay or will it mean i'm a failure? can i just remember all of the good relationships and love affairs i've had and feel a sense of accomplishment in that or will i actually just be giving up?

i have no idea. i don't even know what i want really. i guess i've just decided to do what i do and what feels right and hopefully all the little things will add up to something big that i'll feel happy and satisfied with in the end.
everything is everything
everything is everything
what is meant to be, will be
after winter, must come spring
change, it comes eventually...

- from "everything is everything" by lauryn hill

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