Monday, April 24, 2006

journal entry 242...

i had lots of bizarre and hectic dreams last night. in one i was back in junior high, trying to figure out the lunch line which was always my biggest stressor at a new school. i hated it and skipped lunch all the time because i was so shy and afraid of making a mistake and being laughed at.

in another dream, babycat and i were on the beach, of all places, and we were playing fetch. she was going nuts and having a great time but i could see she was swallowing all of this sand and i got worried. i gave her the heimlich and she kept coughing out these huge puffs of sand.

there were lots of others that i can only remember little snippets of, like a warm day where the ground was covered with a thick blanket of snow, falling asleep in the bathtub and almost letting the water overflow, trying to make a million binders before work and the copy machine breaking down before i finished, etc. etc.

no wonder i'm tired this morning. i had a busy night sleeping.

dad called last night. he said that he and CA are planning to come out here to visit this summer. that's really exciting because my parents have always been the kind of people to tell you they're going to do something and get your hopes all up and then not follow through. he mentioned coming out this summer when i spoke to him at christmas though, and i figured that was the end of it. the fact that he brought it up again, on his own, is a pretty good sign it's actually going to happen.

i'm excited because he and CA have never been out here. i don't know if my dad's ever been here, but definitely not in the last fifteen years since i got here. i'm excited to show them around. i'm going to have to take time off of work so i can spend it with them. they probably won't ever be back so i need to make the most of it. the last time i saw them was a few summers ago when J and i went back there to visit. it will be good to have them out here though, where there's more to do and see. i'm so excited to do all the touristy stuff with them. i think they'll love it out here.

a few things are starting to look up for me. i'm feeling better. more hopeful and positive. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the sun has finally come out again. it was so dreary and soggy and depressing for so long. i've been able to walk to and from work for the past week and it's made a difference. and i hardly think of J at all anymore. i mean, i do, but not as deeply or intimately. he comes to mind and i let him go again. it is getting easier to move on.

it's weird how that works. how the weather and the stars and loneliness and depression all conspire against you and everything seems like it's the end of the world. and then just as you think it'll never get better, the clouds part, the stars align and things start to look brighter again. all of the stuff that bummed you out kind of gets lost in the glare of sunshine.

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