Tuesday, April 25, 2006

journal entry 243...

i was exhausted from work so i fell asleep early last night.

it was a busy weekend and then yesterday i was swamped at work so i passed out as soon as i got into bed last night. dream after dream after dream. i can't really remember the specifics but that they all started out nice and ended stressful and upsetting.

in the last one i just woke up from, i had decided to become involved with that actor from the show after the simpsons, michael rappaport? something like that. anyway, in the dream i wasn't really attracted to him but i decided to commit to him anyway because he really seemed to love me. as soon as i did i was sorry and immediately thought of how painful and difficult the break up would be whenever i got around to it. then there were the issues of where we were going to live and it was all very complicated and i was really, really angry. shouting and screaming and throwing a fit. i was relieved when i woke up on my own.

things in general are starting to go well for me. it's sunny more frequently, i got a raise at work, i've been feeling happier and more connected to things. i'm starting to socialize more and get back into volunteering and activism and all of that stuff i left behind last fall. i joined a new feminist group which is a lot more diverse and interesting than the one i was in with A and those other women. i don't know, i'm just starting to feel hopeful again, like there is a chance to move in a new direction and do the things i want to do and that there are other people out there like me and i will find them. we'll find each other.

anyway, i'm rambling and disoriented from just waking up. i've fallen out of the habit of writing and i need to get back into it. i've changed and progressed a lot over the past seven months and this journal reflects that. i can't leave holes anywhere or i won't see it. i need to wake up a bit first though. that's my excuse this morning anyway...


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