Tuesday, May 23, 2006

journal entry 259...

last night i dreamt that christian bale was my boyfriend. he was really warm and loving and i was so impressed that gloria steinem was his step-mother and that they remained close after his father's death. she didn't make an appearance though.

when we made love he looked deeply into my eyes and i could tell that he was really in love with me. more than i was with him. he was also quite hairless and smooth and he looked beautiful, like he did in AMERICAN PSYCHO. in the parts where he was in the shower, not the parts where he was chopping up women.

i ran my fingers through his hair and i knew that i would end up breaking his heart and he would hate me for it.

i woke up before it went that far.

Monday, May 22, 2006

journal entry 258...

good lord.

last night i was having such a scary dream that i woke myself up and walked around for a minute so i wouldn't fall back into it when i went back to sleep.

it started with me working at a fast food restaurant. i think it was wendy's. the shop was closed but the last shift hadn't done any cleaning and i was concerned about the morning shift so i started cleaning it up by myself. there was so much work to do though i started getting stressed out.

as i was mopping the floors i found this extra room and the dream kind of changed a bit. it started to feel like a BUFFY episode or something and i began poking around. there were all of these extra rooms and it turned into the scary old house i always dream about. it's really dilapidated and there are nails poking out everywhere and broken glass scattered on the floor. i knew there was a girl in the house and she was really angry with me for some reason. i didn't want her to know i knew she was there so i was acting all nonchalant but really i was terrified.

i pretended to take a nap and she scattered more broken glass around where i was "sleeping" and took the shoes by my bed. i had suspected she would do that so i had hidden a pair of shoes in the bed with me. when i heard her walk away i got up to see what she was doing. apparently there was a witch/zombie/demon in the attic and the girl was trying to break through the ceiling of her room to free it to come kill me. it was hissing and moaning and helping rip through the floorboards trying to free itself.

i decided i needed to make an escape right away so i jumped out of bed and started climbing through broken windows and crawl spaces until i finally found a window to the outside. i freed myself but the girl was suddenly right behind me so i kept running and running and running until i thought i'd die from exhaustion. i eventually lost her.

suddenly i was in the ocean and there were these enormous waves knocking me about. i kept thinking how perfectly lovely the water was, so brilliant and blue, but i was scared of it too. the waves kept pushing me further and further from where i wanted to go but i knew it was futile to fight against it so i didn't resist and just floated where it took me. i decided i'd figure out how to get back once it washed me up on the beach.

somehow i found my way back to the fast food restaurant and the next shift was on. since i hadn't finished cleaning up the place i was worried they'd be angry with me so i snuck in quietly to see what was up before i let them know i was there.

apparently, the evil girl was still there and she was really pissed that i had gotten away so she was torturing the workers to find out where i was. none of them knew so she started killing them by putting them in these huge, fiery ovens. i could hear them screaming in agony and crying for help and i was terrified.

she took some of the others and put them through these giant meat slicers and it was so horrifying that i thought i was going to die from fright. i was shaking and weeping and i was getting ready to start sobbing uncontrollably but i knew that would lead her to me so i tried my hardest to keep quiet but the shock and horror was just too overwhelming. my teeth were chattering so hard from fear that she heard and turned to come after me. that's when i finally woke myself up because i knew i couldn't handle anything further even if it was only a dream.

when i woke up i was really, really scared and went to the bathroom to get it out of my mind but i still felt totally creeped out. i think that's the most frightened i've been in a really long time.

and now i'm kind of sleepy from lack of rest.

today's horoscope...

MAY 22nd

Steel yourself for the worst. It's not going to happen. Still, though, if you prepare for a problem of this magnitude, you will see a minor difficulty as a relief by comparison. The secret of success this week, involves appreciating what you've got regardless of how closely this matches your idea of what it is that you think you ought to have. Develop love and appreciation, even for the things you are not so sure of and you will find that, somehow, others direct their love and appreciation towards you.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

journal entry 257...

last night was another hectic dream night. i was busy, busy, busy hating on everyone and worrying about my hair.

in one dream i was at a big party with all of the people i used to be friends with and i was telling them what i'd been up to the past few months. then i decided to lay into all of them and started telling them what fuckheads they were and how they'd abandoned me and disrespected me. i told them what a bitch i thought A was and how she'd never even apologized for hurting me blah, blah, blah. then A walked in and told me to stop takling shit on her behind her back and i went off on her and told her that i hated her and what a backstabbing skank she was etc. etc. i think we'd have come to blows if the dream hadn't switched to something else.

i didn't realize i still had so much angst and hatred towards her but i guess i do. when i think about her....yep, full of hate.

in the nicer dream, i was with BE and a couple of other male friends that i can't remember. it was xmas or something and KI surprised me by coming to visit. he was still happily married but seeing him again brought back all of those feelings and we both struggled against them. we didn't act upon them but i have a feeling if the dream had lasted any longer we would have.

the dream switched by me needing to take a shower which turned into an ordeal. it was raining/flooding outside which was making the drains overflow and act weird. then the showerhead started going crazy and spraying all over the place and getting everything wet. i was a bit stressed and cut the shower short even though i hadn't washed my hair. when i got out all the towels were wet and smelled mildewy but i used them anyway and one of the guys asked me, "does your face always smell like that?" i went back to wash my face again but my alarm woke me up before i finished.

it's weird how realistic dreams can be. in the one with A i was so upset and angry and frustrated and when i woke up i still was a bit. i hate that. i appreciate the relief that comes with the realization it was all a dream, but i hate the stress and anxiety it stirs in me in the first place.

i really do hate a lot of those people still though. i wish they'd all move to portland or something and leave me alone.

so i guess i woke up kind of cranky this morning. i hope it wears off.

Friday, May 12, 2006

journal entry 256...

i feel guilty when i'm happy. like a fraud holding the winning ticket they knocked an old lady down for.

in reality i'm a fraud and the old lady.

i'm not sure which one irritates me more.

(i know it's not proper to end a sentence with a preposition. "like a fraud holding the winning ticket they knocked an old lady down for, bitch.") my mom told me that one. and it's another reason i love her. er a reason.

ha. bitch.

journal entry 255...

on my walk to work this morning i was overcome by this deep sense of joy and well-being. it's a feeling i haven't felt in a very long time. years. since before J and i even started dating back in 2001 or whenever it was.

i was just looking at the leaves and flowers blossoming on the trees and enjoying the clear blue sky and i was overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude and hopefulness. like everything really is new and possible for me. like i've come out of a very dark tunnel and my eyes have finally adjusted to the light.

there are so many changes going on within me right now. i'm feeling confused and bewildered and unsure of myself, but i'm feeling strong and okay too. like whatever decision i made, whatever i decide to do from here on out will be the right thing.

i never thought i'd ever feel this way again, but i do. and i hope it lasts this time. i won't let anyone get in the way of it or take it from me again.

journal entry 254...

lots of weird dreams last night but the only one i can remember is that there was some kind of nursery school recital or something and one of the little girls was wearing a thong under her dress instead of a diaper.

i was shocked and outraged that she was all "sexed up" at such a young age and was looking around for her mother to tell her off when the little girl took a dump right there on the stage.

i guess she felt pretty much the same way about it that i did.

my dad called a couple of weeks ago to tell me that they're coming out here for a visit this summer and that's the last i've heard.

i've left two VMs and sent them a card telling them how excited i am and to let me know when so i can get the time off from work and of course they haven't. so i stopped at a tourist trap on my way home and bought seven postcards for a dollar. i'm going to send them one everyday and only write "WHEN???!!!" and "WISH YOU WERE HERE!!!" and things of that nature on them. they'll get to see how lovely it is out here and also what a freak i am. it'll be like i'm stalking my own parents. har.

t.g.i.friday. i'm glad i get to sleep in tomorrow.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

journal entry 253...

ha. i totally just forgot what i was going to say.

i blame billy bragg.

oh. now i remember.

when i was in junior high and high school i thought it was really important that poetry rhyme. it was all "the sky is blue and i love you it can't be true you love me too" and crap like that.

now, whenever i read someone's poetry, if it rhymes at all i immediately chalk it up as shit. you have no idea how much shit is out there.

i'm just glad i stopped polluting the world with the sing songy bullshit i used to create.

also? erotica is only erotic if it seems effortless. most of it seems contrived and silly. throwing a "cock" or "pussy" in the middle of things does not an erotic poem make.

i'm no great critic or expert or anything, but i do know my ass from a hole in the ground.

i'm in an online poetry group and i never write a thing. these other poets - they do the exact opposite of inspire me. i should probably blame myself, but it's so much easier to blame them.

"fuck me gently with a chainsaw."

now that is poetry. har.

today's horoscope...

MAY 11th

You can wave a wand, weave a spell, work an enchantment. No previous experience is necessary. Even if you have never trained at Hogwarts, you have the power, right now. You can make people fall at your feet or go into a daze, just with the sound of your voice and the look in your eye. No matter what battles you now feel you ought to fight, Venus insists you can achieve your aim and get whatever you want, entirely through charm and gentle persuasion.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

journal entry 252...

last night i dreamt of another wedding.

it was at a 24 hour fitness, in the pool area. the bride had us all lined up and in position a week in advance. none of the attendants knew we were there early. we were expecting it to get going and she was all, "no, i just wanted to make sure we had plenty of time for everyone to get here so we'd be ready." like we were going to stand there for a week until the guests arrived.

the groomsmen wore white top hats and grey tuxes. i have no idea who the bride was.

i keep dreaming of people i don't even know.

i sent ME and NA an email the other night, after i got back from drinks with them, to tell them it was nice to see them and send them that cat power cover of "paths of victory" from "north country". neither of them even replied to say it was good to see me too or even just "thanks for the song". they both wanted it, i sent it to them, and they don't acknowledge it or say thanks.

that is exactly why i'm not friends with any of those assholes anymore. it was always like that. i was always thoughtful and concientious and generous and they always weren't. good fucking riddance, you know?

it's disappointing how you'd expect people to get better with age and lots of times they get worse.

i got an email from another "old friend" yesterday. he's not from my old circle, i met him through an old old boyfriend. i used to have crush on him a long time ago and then i realized he was sexist and conceited and also not as bright as he seems to think. he's all "book smart" but he has no real world experience so basically he talks out of his ass all the time and has no idea how fucked up it is or how selfish and harmful it is to the rest of the world.

he says, "well why doesn't she just leave?" all exasperated like when discussing DV. he thinks DV is caused by women with low-self esteem who put up with it instead of by the patriarchy and the men who perpetrate it.

anyway, i guess i don't like him at all anymore and yesterday i got an email from him. i haven't heard from him since last march. over a year ago. the email was about how he's had some "unforseen expenses" that have put him in some financial peril and could he borrow $600 which he wouldn't be able to pay back until next year, when he gets out of grad school.

oh sweet irony.

he's one of those "personal responsibility" folks who thinks welfare encourages women to "take advantage of the system" and here he is asking me for $600 after not hearing from him in over a year. some nerve i tell ya.

i wonder what it is about me that makes people feel okay about taking advantage and treating me disrespectfully. i think i'm kind of a hard ass, but apparently i'm the only one who thinks that. everyone else seems to think i'm a sap.

i watched "jarhead" last night. it didn't make me want to support the troops, but i do support jake gyllenhaal. he's HOTT!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

journal entry 251...

last night i dreamt of cooking and reeses peanut butter cups.

in the first bit it was halloween or something and i was with some people who were friends in the dream but who i don't recognize from real life. we were stocking up on halloween candy and two of the other women kept telling me to grab all the reeses. another shopper came up and gave me the stink eye so we scrambled off with our booty, laughing like maniacs.

in the next bit, i was cooking sausage patties. one was ginormous and in the shape of a christmas stocking. i was really frustrated because it was so dificult to flip. it kept falling apart and eventually i was just like "fuck it" and didn't even care that it was half burnt and half raw. i put it on the platter and was like, "it's big enough, y'all just have to pick out the cooked parts and throw the raw bits away."

in the last dream i was helping prepare for a wedding. i was making these huge (bathtub size) tubs of pudding: chocolate, vanilla, and banana. the chocolate and vanilla were a snap, but it was difficult to mix the banana. i turned the mixer on high and it kind of whipped the pudding so it was all foamy and discolored. i was afraid the bride was going to be really pissed, as brides often are, but she was fine. she was delighted with the floral arrangements so she didn't care much about the desserts.

i went in the other room to have a beer with the guests and my old roommate ST was there. so was HI. it was sort of like we were trying to be friends again but it was awkward. ST was flirting with her and i was impressed with how bold he was. he used to be so shy so i was surprised how forward he was being with her. he kept nuzzling her neck and he had a leg across hers.

then it switched and i was at a commencement ceremony and my old college boyfriend was there giving a speech or something. he looked exactly the same as the last time i saw him in '89.

i have no idea why my dreams were so focused on food. it's not like i went to bed hungry or anything.

anyway.

drinks with ME and NA went better than i expected. it's really true that people love talking about themselves. we hungout for about two hours and i managed to tell them just about nothing.

one of them would say, "so how are you?!" and i'd say, "really good. how are you? are you still moving to portland?" or something like that and then they'd be off on a forty-five minute rant about whatever. i don't even think they noticed. probably when one of the old gang asks them about it it will hit them. someone will ask what i'm up to and neither of them will have an answer. HA!

i was pretty proud of myself. i never mentioned J&A or anyone else. it was as if the only things that existed were the three of us and the bottle of wine. i didn't say anything mean (or nice for that matter) about anyone. we mostly just talked about the two of them and what they're doing and then it was 8 o'clock and time to go.

i survived with my dignity and privacy firmly in tact. it's surprising too because i usually reveal WAY too much when i've got a couple of glasses of wine in me.

i'm glad it's behind me. now i can just get on with my life. i think it's clear that there are no hard feelings between us but that we're on different paths so that's that. i don't feel like we need to get together again or anything. there's really no point. i mean, i don't want to have any halfassed relationships in my life anymore and if i can't trust or be open or whatever then it's really not worth it. they're part of my past and that's where they'll stay.

still, i was proud of the way i handled myself.

last weekend i watched that movie "hostel". here's my netflix review: "disgusting, misogynistic, homophobic, racist piece of shit. i couldn't even finish it was so offensive."

hee. i love giving bad reviews of movies. and it's so easy these days with what they try to pass off as entertainment. i barf at that.

today's horoscope...

MAY 9th

Venus is in your sign. I've got this sentence set up on my word processor now. I just have to press a button and out it comes. Look see, here it is again. Venus is in your sign. I am trying to resist the temptation to just keep pushing that button. It is, though, all you need to know. Nothing needs to be too difficult. No matter what's been bad or stressful in the recent past, it's getting better now. Your finances are improving. Your love life is about to get sweeter too. Venus is in your sign.

Monday, May 08, 2006

journal entry 250...

i just put on the perfume i used to wear when KI and i were together and i switched my ipod to ACHTUNG BABY because i'm obviously obsessed with living in the past. for what it's worth, it's working. i'm overwhelmed by feelings of nostalgia and longing for that summer. it was the best. and the worst.

journal entry 249...

sometimes i miss the 'burbs. i miss being able to ride my bike everywhere. i miss having a porch or patio to sit on. i miss going to rudy's after work. or gordon biersch. i even miss ringing up all of those assholes at WFM. i miss my old friends.

maybe i just miss my youth. if i moved back there it would probably be nothing like i remember and i'd be disappointed and wish i'd stayed here.

i don't know. i must be going through something. wondering if i haven't fucked up a few things. if i wouldn't be happier if i'd made some different choices.

but i didn't. i made the choices i made and i'm here now. there's no going back. not really.

i miss being twenty-four. i miss feeling like i have all the time in the world and that there will still be plenty of time to fix things if i fuck them up. i miss that feeling a lot.

journal entry 248...

last night i dreamt i was on some kind of undercover stake out and i really had no clue what i was doing.

it was a farm or something and they were doing something they shouldn't be doing so we were sent out there to get the scoop. i was a little worried about getting found out because they'd obviously killed people before. there was a swamp on the land somewhere that was thick with blood from all the bodies that had been dumped there. it was quite unpleasant.

i wonder where these things come from. i'm a sick mofo.

tonight i'm supposed to meet ME and NA for drinks. i haven't seen them since the J&A incident and i'm totally not looking forward to it. i don't know why i ever agreed to it. it's not like they've even been friends to me and i don't want them to know my business or anything. i don't trust them.

so why am i doing this? because i'm a sap and can't say no apparently. i wish i could think of a way to get out of it.

this will be my first interaction with people from the old group and i feel kind of weird about it. i just want to leave that all behind and move on. whywhywhywhywhy do i put myself in positions like this?

hopefully it won't suck as bad as i expect it to. and then once i'm done, i'm done. i won't have to see them anymore.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

in other's words sixteen...

First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons - but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which has lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world - a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not be a young man saving for a wedding ring - this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love the fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see all this as clearly as anyone else - but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jibbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if the experience can cause him only pain.

- Excerpt from "Ballad of the Sad Cafe" by Carson McCullers

Friday, May 05, 2006

central reservation - lyrics by beth orton

went down to a central reservation
in last night's red dress
and i can still smell you on my fingers
and taste you on my breath
i'm stepping through brilliant shades
of the color you bring
this time, this time, this time
is fine just as it is

today is whatever i want it to mean
today is whatever i want it to mean

if this is where memories are made, well,
dreams do come true
everything i ever took for granted
i want to see it through
i step through every shade
and the color you bring
this time, this time, this time
is fine just as it is

today is whatever i want it to mean
today is whatever i want it to mean

it's like
it's like
it's like
living in the middle of the ocean
with no future, no past
and everything that's good right now
well, i don't wish for it to last
i'll step through brilliant shades,
every color you bring
this time, this time, this time
is fine just as it is

and today is whatever i want it to mean
and today is whatever i want it to mean
today, today is whatever i want it to mean
today is whatever i want it to mean

Thursday, May 04, 2006

if winter ends - lyrics by bright eyes

i dreamt of a fever
one that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart
with heat to melt these frozen tears
burned with reasons as to carry on
into these twisted months i plunge without a light to follow
but i swear that i would follow anything
just get me out of here

but you get six months to adapt
and you get two more to leave town
and in the event that we do adapt
we still might not want you around

but i fell for the promise
of a life with a purpose
but i know that that's impossible now

and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
coz i just can't think anymore about that or about her tonight

and i'll give myself three days to feel better
or else i swear i am driving off a fucking cliff
coz if i can't make myself feel better
how can i expect anyone else to give a shit

and i scream for the sunlight
or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
coz i swear that i am dying
slowly but its happening
and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere
just take me there
just take me there
just take me there
and lie to me and say it's going to be alright
its going to be alright, it's gonna be alright,
it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright,
its going to be alright, it's gonna be alright,
it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright,
yeah you worry too much kid, its going to be alright

journal entry 247...

it's weird when i wake up and immediately forget what i was dreaming.

i feel like it's right there - on the tip of my brain - but then it's gone. what the hell was it? something about a car. i was in a car and it was snowing? gone.

i still haven't gotten my tax refund from the state. i've called twice already and they said they received my stuff the first week of february so they don't know what the hold up is. they keep telling me to check back in a few weeks.

it's not much, but it's a hundred bucks that would still feel good in my savings account, you know? what's the frickin' hold up? the feds gave me my money at the end of february so i'm not sure why the state is lagging so hard. stoners probably.

i really love the innocence mission even though they're obviously jesus freaks. there's something about her voice. it's like she almost forgets to sing and just lets it fade away. or like you're hanging out with her and she's in the kitchen singing to herself while you're listening from the living room, waiting for her to come back. it's all very casual and satisfying.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

empty shell - lyrics by cat power

all that is left is an empty shell
of my heart that is crushed
i don't never wanna see
what my mind has seen
when you loved me
every night every night alone with you
every night alone now

when she sits on your lap
try to pretend to laugh
when she does stupid things
just like i used to do
do not hate her
don't you even try
for to leave her is to love her
the same as you and i
i love you
and i miss you too
i really do love you
and i really do miss you too

but i don't know you
and i don't need you
and i don't want you anymore anymore

every night every night alone with you
every night alone now

journal entry 246...

last night i dreamt of thievery and repurcussions.

an old friend from college - or maybe i was in college in the dream - and i stole something and the missing item was discovered to be missing and we were the prime suspects. throughout the whole thing i kept telling her "deny, deny, deny, no matter what they say." and even though we had plenty of time alone together to get our story straight we never did. we went to walmart or some place to buy buttloads of candy insrtead. (ha! college!)

when it was time for the interrogation i was annoyed that we hadn't worked out a story and i had a feeling she was going to blab. i thought to myself, "this is weird. i always tell the truth so i'm not sure i can go through with this. but if she's denying it i'll make her look bad when i confess."

i don't know how it all turned out because my crack interrogation team turned out to be the guys who own the corner market by my house and they were playing a record of nursery rhymes in spanish. i was really excited and thought, "cool! now i'll finally learn spanish! why didn't i think of this sooner?"

i don't know if i blabbed or she denied because as soon as they started singing "mary had a little lamb" en espanol i started singing along and then my alarm went off and i woke up.

what does it all mean?!?! ha.

my dad and CA sent me a birthday present. i think it's the first time ever. it was almost a month late, but it was nice that they remembered anyway. apparently they think i'm really fancy and sophisticated or something. they sent me this slate cheese slab from pottery barn and a book about fancy cheeses.

i do love cheese, but i'm not a fancy person so i'm not sure where the hell i'm going to put this thing or when i'll get a chance to use it. they're supposed to come out here for a visit this summer so i guess i'll use it then at least. if i don't break it first. it's very fancy and fragile and worrisome.

oh well, it's the thought that counts. and i'm thinking "my parents don't know me at all." ha! but i guess i don't really know them either. i mean, who really knows anyone? you might think you do, but the next thing you know they're fucking your ex-boyfriend and you're wishing they were both dead. but i digress...

the weather has been really gorgeous lately and it's made me happier. my dad remembered my birthday for once and that made me happy too. i guess things aren't so bad these days. and they seem to be getting better.

i won't even consider the possibility that it won't last.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

journal entry 245...

i haven't felt like writing much lately. it's like i've got things to say, but before i ever get around to saying them i just think "oh what's the use?" and do something else instead. and i haven't been reading as much either. my mind seems to wander and i can't concentrate or focus. maybe it's adult ADD. or maybe my brain is just shrinking and i'm getting dumber. it wouldn't surprise me.

that commercial about secondhand smoke freaks me out. when it shows the arteries becoming clogged and choking off the blood supply and how that lady is just laughing while her friend is pretty much killing her right then and there. that's what i think of every time i'm walking down the street and some jackass in front of me is smoking. i hold my breath until i pass because seriously? emphysema? no thanks. that's how my great grandma died and it sucked. i'm not into it AT ALL. when i die i just wanna die. no long, drawn out suffering please.

last night i dreamt i was on a crowded bus and i was being all rude and shovey, trying to squeeze past people and one of them was kay and i knocked her bag out of her arms and i felt really bad because i was afraid she'd think i was an ass and write about it on her blog and tell everyone i had no manners or concern for anyone but myself, which is probably true actually, but it's not the kind of thing you want getting around. i apologized and she seemed to accept it but still.

i think about J&A about 80% less than i used to and when i do think of them there's very little passion behind my hatred anymore. except when i see someone i think is A and then i just start thinking of what a skanky, backstabbing bitch she is and what a fool i was for ever befriending her but then it turns out the woman isn't A and i feel bad for all the hateful, negative energy i spewed her way. i'm trying to be more positive and let it go but it's hard. i prefer not to think of them at all and fortunately it's getting easier.

it's weird how i used to see them all the time when it first happened, which made it worse and more painful, and now that i'm mostly over it and don't care as much, i hardly ever see them. i can't even remember the last time. it's been nice because they're both fucking assholes and i do still hate them when i really think about it which i don't wanna do so i'm gonna stop right now.

i don't even know what i've written. i woke up all groggy and disoriented but guilt ridden from lack of writing so i felt like i had to write something and this is it. i guess i need to get back in the habit again. also with the reading. i need to do more of that too before i become totally stupid. it's not that far to go really.