Tuesday, May 02, 2006

journal entry 245...

i haven't felt like writing much lately. it's like i've got things to say, but before i ever get around to saying them i just think "oh what's the use?" and do something else instead. and i haven't been reading as much either. my mind seems to wander and i can't concentrate or focus. maybe it's adult ADD. or maybe my brain is just shrinking and i'm getting dumber. it wouldn't surprise me.

that commercial about secondhand smoke freaks me out. when it shows the arteries becoming clogged and choking off the blood supply and how that lady is just laughing while her friend is pretty much killing her right then and there. that's what i think of every time i'm walking down the street and some jackass in front of me is smoking. i hold my breath until i pass because seriously? emphysema? no thanks. that's how my great grandma died and it sucked. i'm not into it AT ALL. when i die i just wanna die. no long, drawn out suffering please.

last night i dreamt i was on a crowded bus and i was being all rude and shovey, trying to squeeze past people and one of them was kay and i knocked her bag out of her arms and i felt really bad because i was afraid she'd think i was an ass and write about it on her blog and tell everyone i had no manners or concern for anyone but myself, which is probably true actually, but it's not the kind of thing you want getting around. i apologized and she seemed to accept it but still.

i think about J&A about 80% less than i used to and when i do think of them there's very little passion behind my hatred anymore. except when i see someone i think is A and then i just start thinking of what a skanky, backstabbing bitch she is and what a fool i was for ever befriending her but then it turns out the woman isn't A and i feel bad for all the hateful, negative energy i spewed her way. i'm trying to be more positive and let it go but it's hard. i prefer not to think of them at all and fortunately it's getting easier.

it's weird how i used to see them all the time when it first happened, which made it worse and more painful, and now that i'm mostly over it and don't care as much, i hardly ever see them. i can't even remember the last time. it's been nice because they're both fucking assholes and i do still hate them when i really think about it which i don't wanna do so i'm gonna stop right now.

i don't even know what i've written. i woke up all groggy and disoriented but guilt ridden from lack of writing so i felt like i had to write something and this is it. i guess i need to get back in the habit again. also with the reading. i need to do more of that too before i become totally stupid. it's not that far to go really.


Blogger jane kay doe said...

kay, the actual ass, needs your address again because she's actually put the thing she bought for you in a tube to mail.

May 02, 2006 2:40 PM  

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