Tuesday, May 09, 2006

journal entry 251...

last night i dreamt of cooking and reeses peanut butter cups.

in the first bit it was halloween or something and i was with some people who were friends in the dream but who i don't recognize from real life. we were stocking up on halloween candy and two of the other women kept telling me to grab all the reeses. another shopper came up and gave me the stink eye so we scrambled off with our booty, laughing like maniacs.

in the next bit, i was cooking sausage patties. one was ginormous and in the shape of a christmas stocking. i was really frustrated because it was so dificult to flip. it kept falling apart and eventually i was just like "fuck it" and didn't even care that it was half burnt and half raw. i put it on the platter and was like, "it's big enough, y'all just have to pick out the cooked parts and throw the raw bits away."

in the last dream i was helping prepare for a wedding. i was making these huge (bathtub size) tubs of pudding: chocolate, vanilla, and banana. the chocolate and vanilla were a snap, but it was difficult to mix the banana. i turned the mixer on high and it kind of whipped the pudding so it was all foamy and discolored. i was afraid the bride was going to be really pissed, as brides often are, but she was fine. she was delighted with the floral arrangements so she didn't care much about the desserts.

i went in the other room to have a beer with the guests and my old roommate ST was there. so was HI. it was sort of like we were trying to be friends again but it was awkward. ST was flirting with her and i was impressed with how bold he was. he used to be so shy so i was surprised how forward he was being with her. he kept nuzzling her neck and he had a leg across hers.

then it switched and i was at a commencement ceremony and my old college boyfriend was there giving a speech or something. he looked exactly the same as the last time i saw him in '89.

i have no idea why my dreams were so focused on food. it's not like i went to bed hungry or anything.

anyway.

drinks with ME and NA went better than i expected. it's really true that people love talking about themselves. we hungout for about two hours and i managed to tell them just about nothing.

one of them would say, "so how are you?!" and i'd say, "really good. how are you? are you still moving to portland?" or something like that and then they'd be off on a forty-five minute rant about whatever. i don't even think they noticed. probably when one of the old gang asks them about it it will hit them. someone will ask what i'm up to and neither of them will have an answer. HA!

i was pretty proud of myself. i never mentioned J&A or anyone else. it was as if the only things that existed were the three of us and the bottle of wine. i didn't say anything mean (or nice for that matter) about anyone. we mostly just talked about the two of them and what they're doing and then it was 8 o'clock and time to go.

i survived with my dignity and privacy firmly in tact. it's surprising too because i usually reveal WAY too much when i've got a couple of glasses of wine in me.

i'm glad it's behind me. now i can just get on with my life. i think it's clear that there are no hard feelings between us but that we're on different paths so that's that. i don't feel like we need to get together again or anything. there's really no point. i mean, i don't want to have any halfassed relationships in my life anymore and if i can't trust or be open or whatever then it's really not worth it. they're part of my past and that's where they'll stay.

still, i was proud of the way i handled myself.

last weekend i watched that movie "hostel". here's my netflix review: "disgusting, misogynistic, homophobic, racist piece of shit. i couldn't even finish it was so offensive."

hee. i love giving bad reviews of movies. and it's so easy these days with what they try to pass off as entertainment. i barf at that.

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