Wednesday, May 17, 2006

journal entry 257...

last night was another hectic dream night. i was busy, busy, busy hating on everyone and worrying about my hair.

in one dream i was at a big party with all of the people i used to be friends with and i was telling them what i'd been up to the past few months. then i decided to lay into all of them and started telling them what fuckheads they were and how they'd abandoned me and disrespected me. i told them what a bitch i thought A was and how she'd never even apologized for hurting me blah, blah, blah. then A walked in and told me to stop takling shit on her behind her back and i went off on her and told her that i hated her and what a backstabbing skank she was etc. etc. i think we'd have come to blows if the dream hadn't switched to something else.

i didn't realize i still had so much angst and hatred towards her but i guess i do. when i think about her....yep, full of hate.

in the nicer dream, i was with BE and a couple of other male friends that i can't remember. it was xmas or something and KI surprised me by coming to visit. he was still happily married but seeing him again brought back all of those feelings and we both struggled against them. we didn't act upon them but i have a feeling if the dream had lasted any longer we would have.

the dream switched by me needing to take a shower which turned into an ordeal. it was raining/flooding outside which was making the drains overflow and act weird. then the showerhead started going crazy and spraying all over the place and getting everything wet. i was a bit stressed and cut the shower short even though i hadn't washed my hair. when i got out all the towels were wet and smelled mildewy but i used them anyway and one of the guys asked me, "does your face always smell like that?" i went back to wash my face again but my alarm woke me up before i finished.

it's weird how realistic dreams can be. in the one with A i was so upset and angry and frustrated and when i woke up i still was a bit. i hate that. i appreciate the relief that comes with the realization it was all a dream, but i hate the stress and anxiety it stirs in me in the first place.

i really do hate a lot of those people still though. i wish they'd all move to portland or something and leave me alone.

so i guess i woke up kind of cranky this morning. i hope it wears off.


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