Friday, June 30, 2006

journal entry 267...

i'm so glad it's friday and i can sleep in tomorrow.

it's a long holiday weekend too so i can sleep in until wednesday. hopefully by then i'll be recovered and rested up so that i'm not a zombie when i wake up.

like i am right now.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

my eyes keep glazing over and i just want to go back to sleep. i'm trying to get back in the habit though so i have to keep going through the motions until it's second nature again. i should've waited to start this routine until the week after next since the long weekend is going to throw my schedule off anyway.

how much time am i going to waste writing about how tired i am?

last night i had lots of dreams that i can't remember. the one i can remember though involved J. i was pissed because we were roommates or something and he was sleeping in my bed and babycat was in there with him and i was forced onto the couch. i don't remember all the details but i was pissed that he was in my bed and i wasn't and i was hurt that babycat slept with him and not me.

i have a new pact with myself: no more looking at J's blog or myspace profile and whenever he or A enter my mind i immediately expel them and think of something or someone else. i have to stop feeding the habit and just put the whole thing behind me.

it's done. it can't be undone. there's no going back.

i don't actually care anyway. i only keep looking because i hope to learn that they're miserable and sad and that they regret everything. i don't think he'll ever publicize that though so...besides, he's a lame writer and his posts are uber boring anyway.

so that's that. seriously. no more looking or thinking about it and by august i think i'll be fully healed and moved on. it's almost been a year anyway. it's taking me long enough.

also? i hate them.

anyhoo. this is what you get when a zombie writes. did i mention that i'm so glad i get to sleep in tomorrow?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thursday, June 29, 2006

18 wheeler - lyrics by pink

can't keep me down
can't keep me down, down
can't keep me down
i say you can't keep me down
no you can't keep me down
i say you can't keep me down

hey hey man, what's your problem
i see you try to hurt me bad
don't know what you're up against
maybe you should reconsider
come up with another plan
'cause you know i'm not that kind of girl
that'll lay there and let you come first

you can push me out the window
i'll just get back up
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
and i won't give a f***
you can hang me like a slave
i'll go underground
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
you can't keep me down

can't keep me down, down
can't keep me down, down, down

hey hey girl, are you ready for today
you got your shield and sword
'cause it's time to play the games
you are beautiful even though you're not for sure
don't let him pull you by the skirt
you're gonna get your feelings hurt

you can push me out the window
i'll just get back up
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
and i won't give a f***
you can hang me like a slave
i'll go underground
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
you can't keep me down

you can push me out the window
i'll just get back up
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
and i won't give a f***
you can hang me like a slave
i'll go underground
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
you can't keep me down down down

everywhere that i go
there's someone waiting to change me
everything that i say
there's someone trying to short change me
i am only this way
because of what you have made me
and i'm not gonna break

you can push me out the window
i'll just get back up
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
and i won't give a f***
you can hang me like a slave
i'll go underground
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
you can't keep me down

you can push me out the window
i'll just get back up
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
and i won't give a f***
you can hang me like a slave
i'll go underground
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
you can't keep me down...

journal entry 266...

i'm not sure why i had that little J&A outburst last night. i guess it was the pressure of holding it all inside for so long and acting like i don't care when obviously i still have a lot of resentment and anger around the whole thing.

i haven't been as obsessed with them lately, but his updated myspace profile set me off. he hates kids and has never wanted them and his profile used to reflect that, but now it says "undecided" which just really bugs me because it shows what a spineless motherfucker he is. A has always been about having a "traditional" life: marriage, kids, etc. and obviously J is giving in to that whether he believes in it or not. he's such a weak, mindless jackass. it's really pathetic and infuriating.

but.

it's really none of my business anymore and i need to chill the fuck out and get the fuck over it.

yes, i was and am still hurt by their betrayal but what's done is done and there's no going back. i wouldn't want to go back anyway. i have been considerably happier without any of them in my life and i've felt better about the direction my life is moving. i'm doing well and i'm getting things sorted out and i'm growing and progressing as a person. when i was back in that situation last year, i was miserable all the way around. i'm 100% happier and more hopeful about the future than i was then so i need to focus on that and let the rest go.

fuck them all, i'm moving on without them.

it's weird waking up to the alarm clock. it really distracts me and messes up my ability to remember what i was dreaming about. the only thing i can remember is that i was relieved it was just a dream and not my real life. something about being an usher at a theatre or something and not having enough seats for everyone. stress. anger. anxiety.

i wonder what it could possibly stem from. ha.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

journal entry 265...

J is such a lying, hypocritical, disgusting, phony mother fucker.

the only reason he was half way decent was because of me. i brought out the best in him and educated him and made him aware of the world arond him and his responsibility in it. now that he's with A he has reverted back to a moronic asshole. they're both so fucking stupid. he makes me fucking SICK! god! i hate him! what the fuck i ever saw in him is beyond me. i was faking myself out, trying to make myself believe we were good together when all along i was just settling. he is and always has been a dumbfuck. selfish and shallow and stupid. both of them.

sicksicksicksicksick mother fucking fuckhead. i hate them both so much. fucking assholes!

journal entry 264...

i think i haven't been getting enough sleep lately.

i've been really busy and things have been a bit hectic the past few months so i either get home later than i intend or i'm too amped when i get home to fall right to sleep. we've got a long weekend coming up though, so i'm going to try and make sleeping a priority. (the life of a rockstar i tell ya!!!!)

i've been forgetting my dreams right away too. i think that's from lack of sleep as well. when i wake up on my own i can remember but the alarm has been startling me out of sleep and i immediately forget.

god. i'm so out of practice with writing that i totally suck. i don't have anything of interest to say. it's just more blah, blah, blah, complain, whine, whine.

i will not give up!

this is exercise. i'm practicing and getting back in the habit. it will come to me.

i haven't been reallly, really sad in awhile. i remember when i'd cry and cry at work or on my walk home. how i'd listen to the same song over and over to work myself into a frenzy and then i'd just bawl and bawl until i scared babycat. now i'm back to normal: jut kind of dull and numb and not too much of anything either way. i'm not sure if i'm happy or perplexed about it.

some old friends got married and i'm trying to make a cd mix for them. it's kind of weird coz i've always known them just as "best-friends" and they've always dated other people and just been friends and roommates. i fooled around with CR a lot in my younger days and i had a bit of a crush on JE when i first moved out here so it's weird that they're a couple now. married. mr. and mrs. CR.

anyway, i don't know what kind of music they like these days so i'm just making a mix of my favorite love songs and thinking it's weird how they'll listen to it and maybe make love to it and it's just so weird because i've always seen them like brother and sister.

that goes to show what i know.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

we used to be friends - lyrics by the dandy warhols

a long time ago
we used to be friends
but i haven't thought of you lately at all
if ever again
a greeting i send to you
short and sweet to the soul i intend

ah ah ah ah

come on now honey
bring it on bring it on yeah
just remember me when
you're good to go

come on now sugar
bring it on bring it on yeah
just remember me when...

it's something i said
or someone i know
or you called me up
maybe i wasn't home
now everybody needs some time
and everybody knows
the rest of the lines
in everybody else's show

come on now sugar
bring it on bring it on yeah
remember me when
you're good to go

come on now honey
bring it on bring it on yeah
just remember me when
we used to be friends
a long time ago
we used to be friends
a long time ago
we used to be friends
a long time ago
yeah

a long time ago
we used to be friends
but i haven't thought of you lately at all
if ever again
a greeting i send to you
short and sweet to the soul i intend

we used to be friends
a long time ago
we used to be friends
a long time ago
we used to be friends
a long time ago
we used to be friends
yeah...

journal entry 263...

my period is past but i'm feeling a little melancholy and out of sorts today. not sad really, but not exactly happy either.

i wish i could write something. i haven't written a poem in months and it makes me feel shitty and lame. it's because i watch too much tv. i've turned into a bit of a moron over the past few months. i need to get my shit together.

i saw that J updated his myspace profile and he's now officially "in a relationship". i wish i could just get over it and forget about them both, but it makes me so angry and sick. i don't dwell on it all the time anymore, but when i DO think about it i'm just as hateful and angry as if it was yesterday.

and i'm having a difficult time cutting ties with some of the old people. one keeps wanting to hangout and i don't want to because

1) i don't trust her
2) she's still friends with them
3) she's and ex fucker too. not any of my exes, but her other friends exes.
4) i don't really have anything to say to her anymore

i just keep hopiing that time will pass and she'll forget about me. she sends emails saying "we should get together for a movie night soon!" and i always reply "sounds good." but i never offer a date because i hope we'll just never make the plans. i wish i wasn't so lazy and could be more confrontational. mostly i just like to ignore the situation and hope it solves itself.

this is a boring post because i'm boring and i'm not even going to check for typos because really, who cares? when i have something worthwhile to say i'll gussy up but until then blah.

journal entry 262...

i've been feeling a bit scattered lately.

now that i'm getting back to real life and not holed up in my apartment feeling like shit all the time, things are getting hectic and busy and i'm feeling like i just want to be lazy and veg. i'm never fucking satisfied.

last night i dreamt i was a waitress for some fancy restaurant and that we ran out of mashed potatoes and i was totally stressed out trying to find the back stock. that carson guy from "queer eye" was the manager. he wasn't as annoying as he is on the show. i thought it was gross that he wanted to reuse the butter pats when i'd reset the tables but whatever. i guess it's important to not be wasteful. people are gross though. you never know what they do to that shit.

i'm starting to get paranoid that i'm gaining weight again.

since i've been so busy i haven't been as consistent with my exercise and i've been eating more sporadically and less healthily. i need to get back to my routine. hence, me writing today to get the ball rolling.

i'm a creature of habit and i have to follow a routine or everything gets all fucked up. like the way my jeans fit.

overall though, things are good at the moment.

i still think about J&A but it's not as absorbing. i'm not consumed with them anymore. i have moments of hate and regret but they pass. i just wish i hadn't wasted so much time thinking they were my friends. they certainly didn't deserve my friendship, love, and loyalty. they were entirely unworthy.

but. as i said, i don't dwell on them anymore so whatever. bygones. be gone. out of sight, out of mind and all that.

this entry sucks because i'm so out of practice. i'll get back into it though. routine. schedules. all that. blah.

there's always tomorrow. until we're all killed by global warming and lack of water i mean.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

journal entry 261...

sometimes i wonder what in the world my dreams could possibly mean. this morning i'm thinking "that i'm losing my mind?"

last night i had a million weird dreams involving xmas presents piled outside of abandoned apartments, hotrod paint jobs, cow milking, hotel room comparison shopping, long distance running, fried chicken with britney spears, and fly fishing cut short by near decapitation.

and somehow all of these dreams flowed naturally, one into the other, until the head chopping off part when i woke up with great relief to discover my head still fully attached. i am exhausted from all the activity though.

the parts i remember most vividly are:

transferring britney's breaded chicken breasts from the frying pan to a cookie sheet covered with paper towels to absorb the grease - one of the breasts was perfectly breaded and crispy and the others were a bit flimsy and under cooked.

arguing with my dad about where to take the hotrod for a new paint job - he didn't feel midas was "all that".

discovering that all of the xmas packages piled in front of an apartment i didn't remember ever being at were addressed to me.

requesting valerian root and some other herbs to calm my nerves as i waited for the ambulance to arrive.

how my mom just laid in the bed with her arm across her face and didn't want to comfort me as i waited for the ambulance to arrive.

how surprised i was that there wasn't more blood.

sitting up too quickly and my head sliding off my shoulders. i caught it just in time and placed it back where it belonged even though it was wobbly. it didn't really hurt, but it was quite worrisome.


it was weird how the head chopping part even happened.

britney spears and i were standing in a calm river frying chicken and fly fishing when a huge sheet of ice broke off from a frozen cliff way above us. (this was due to global warming.) i didn't even notice it until britney cried out and grabbed onto the back of her head. it was a clean cut and nearly severed the whole thing, save for a small bit in the back of her neck that kept it attached.

i screamed out to all the people around us to call 911 and as i panicked and freaked out, britney disappeared and i was suddenly in an unfamiliar apartment and it was me with the nearly severed head. i just tried to remain calm and not to lose my head (haha) and wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all but for fear of my head bouncing off from the belly laugh.

so, so weird.

i woke up before the ambulance arrived so i don't know how it would've turned out. maybe i would've gotten into the ambulance and someone else would have gotten the severed head and i'd have gone back to the fried chicken and fly fishing.

still - i prefer the dreams where christian bale and johnny depp are in love with me and fighting for my undivided attention.

Friday, June 02, 2006

blue and white - lyrics by beth waters

it's okay i'm going home now
i'll be okay tonight
i just wanna be alone now
with the dark and the light
that's my favorite color blue there
as the sun sets in the sky
there's just something in the hue there
in the corner of my eye

in the dark and the light
in the blue and the white
something's pure that i am missing
something's sure that i am not
holding back and never letting you see

light a match in the dark now
see my shadow on the wall
doesn't look too much like me
no it's not like me at all
pour over what you wrote
and the letters burn the page
i see all the things you meant to me
in the things you didn't say

in the dark and the light
in the blue and the white
all the things that i've forgotten
all the things that i am not
holding back and never letting you see

now i am
now i am
now i am...

journal entry 260...

so. today i discovered that J&A are still together and it didn't make my heart or stomach hurt although it did make me sick to my stomach. it just really grosses me out thinking of them together. it's so incestuous and nasty. also, i hate them.

i also discovered that one of the main couples in my old circle broke up a few days ago. i wonder how that's all playing out. i know whose side everyone's probably taking and i'd say it's the wrong one but they're all stupid and obviously only pick wrong sides so what else would i expect? besides, the one whose side isn't being taken didn't take my side either so you know what? fuck him.

i'm glad my heart isn't broken everyday any more. sometimes i get a twinge of sadness and i miss some of them but then i am reminded of what jerks they all are anyway.

i ran into JO and MY at best buy the other day and they both acted THRILLED to see me and they were all "how are you this" and "you look great that" and "we need to get together soon no seriously!" but it was totally fake. they're not my friends. i emailed MY the next day and she hasn't responded but she's posted a new photo on myspace.

whatever. it's just annoying. it was such a waste of time. that whole five years. what a waste and what a bunch of phonies. i'm so much happier and more peaceful and not so stressed or angry or hostile. about my relationships anyway. i'm making new friends and mentoring and doing more volunteer stuff and pride is coming up and i've decided fuck guys, i'm a lesbo now. and i'm happy and relieved about it.

i love my cat. and i love that the sun has come out to stay. i love that it's warm again. the only thing i don't love is the chaffing from my fat, sweaty thighs rubbing together.