Thursday, June 29, 2006

journal entry 266...

i'm not sure why i had that little J&A outburst last night. i guess it was the pressure of holding it all inside for so long and acting like i don't care when obviously i still have a lot of resentment and anger around the whole thing.

i haven't been as obsessed with them lately, but his updated myspace profile set me off. he hates kids and has never wanted them and his profile used to reflect that, but now it says "undecided" which just really bugs me because it shows what a spineless motherfucker he is. A has always been about having a "traditional" life: marriage, kids, etc. and obviously J is giving in to that whether he believes in it or not. he's such a weak, mindless jackass. it's really pathetic and infuriating.

but.

it's really none of my business anymore and i need to chill the fuck out and get the fuck over it.

yes, i was and am still hurt by their betrayal but what's done is done and there's no going back. i wouldn't want to go back anyway. i have been considerably happier without any of them in my life and i've felt better about the direction my life is moving. i'm doing well and i'm getting things sorted out and i'm growing and progressing as a person. when i was back in that situation last year, i was miserable all the way around. i'm 100% happier and more hopeful about the future than i was then so i need to focus on that and let the rest go.

fuck them all, i'm moving on without them.

it's weird waking up to the alarm clock. it really distracts me and messes up my ability to remember what i was dreaming about. the only thing i can remember is that i was relieved it was just a dream and not my real life. something about being an usher at a theatre or something and not having enough seats for everyone. stress. anger. anxiety.

i wonder what it could possibly stem from. ha.

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