Monday, July 31, 2006

journal entry 274...

last night i dreamt i was a detective or something and i was searching for a murderer who killed women at dance clubs. i found pot in one of the jackets i searched and i kept it. i felt guilty but i did it anyway. then the dream switched and i was walking down the street and ran into BE and ME and i told ME about babycat passing away. he seemed surprised but not too upset.

poor babycat.

i got a new kitty and she's really sweet. i got her from the pound and she seems really happy to have a home. she's really sweet and affectionate, like babycat was when she was a baby babycat. the new kitty looks like her too. she's a year old but she's still really playful and ornery like a kitten. i love her. she's made the loss of my beloved babycat much easier to bear.

everyone has been really sweet.

i thought people would think i was a freak for being so upset about a cat. i expected them to feel bad for me but to be like, "it was just a cat, not your mom or anything, so get over it." they haven't though. several people cried with me and they've sent cards and flowers and emails. CA was really upset and bawled on my answering machine. surprisingly, it was actually comforting to know she was as upset about it as me. she came up to stay with me over the weekend to meet my new babycat. my mini babycat. babycat junior.

i don't know how i'd have survived this loss without her.

HI, from my old circle, contacted me to say she was sorry about the loss too. i thought that was sweet. it kind of spurred a reconnect and we're going to meet for a drink in a couple of weeks. it's probably a bad idea, but i was emotionally distraught and didn't know what i was doing and i was just so happy for the sympathy over losing babycat.

i know J&A are still together but i'm starting to care less and less. i still hate them and they make me sick, but it's easier to put them out of my mind. i know HI is still friends with them so if she brings them up i'm just going to say "that's the past, ancient history. i don't want to think or care about them anymore."

and i don't.

it's been almost a year. i keep thinking of when i first started this journal and how devastated i was and how hurt. wondering where i'd be and how i'd feel a year from then. i didn't think i'd ever get over it or survive it. i was so depressed i thought i'd give myself cancer or something from rage and misery. who knows, i might have. i don't have any symptoms yet though, so that's good i suppose.

i guess when i really think about it it does still hurt, but i think of it less and less and the pain is now just a dull blob in the pit of my stomach. it's no longer the incessant squeezing pressure on my heart or painful lump in my throat. i'm getting better. i'm getting over it. i'm moving on.

and it's still july. i've still got two and a half more months to make a full recovery. i'm really going to make the effort.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

journal entry 273...

i had to put babycat to sleep today and i'm really, really sad about it. she was an awesome cat and i loved her very much. i miss her so much already.

i cried on the bus on the way home and the lady next to me gave me a kleenex that smelled like whoppers. she was very kind and the woman across from me touched my knee as she was getting off and said "take care of yourself."

they both saw the empty carrier and figured out what had happened. i said it outloud anyway and then i cried some more.

"i just put my cat to sleep," i said.

they both nodded and we all looked back at our laps.

Friday, July 21, 2006

randomness ninety-nine...

i just heard a siren, like a cop car or ambulance coming down the street, and then a bullhorn saying something i couldn't really make out. it was either "do not be alarmed" or "run for your lives" and i honestly don't know which.

i muted the television but they didn't repeat it a third time.

it's been a few minutes now and nothing's happened so i guess it was the former.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

journal entry 272...

i can't remember my dreams last night but i know that one involved rejection of some sort and i woke up kind of sad.

for the most part, things have been going well but i'm PMSing so i've been a little bit blue. i hate the emotional extremes that accompany womanhood.

i haven't been nearly as obsessed with J&A as i was before. i just made a promise to myself after that drunken poetry outburst that i'd stop reading his blog entirely and that i'd quit visiting their myspace profiles. i've been true to my word and it really has made a difference. when i don't pay attention to what they're doing i don't get pissed off or sad. i know they're still together and it bugs me but when i don't think about it or keep tabs on what they're doing, it starts to matter to me less and less.

that said, i was looking at flickr this morning and one of our "mutual friends" posted some recent pictures that J&A were in. my heart didn't sink and my belly didn't flop like it used to when i'd see them together. actually, my very first thought was "wow, they both look like shit. he looks fat and greasy and her new haircut is really unflattering." she's a lot uglier than i remember.

so there you have it: i'm happier because i've stopped internet stalking them and because they look like shit and i don't.

i'm still not very evolved, obviously. wars are going on, bombs are being dropped, innocent people are being killed everyday, and i'm pleased because someone who hurt me looks like shit.

it's the little things, i suppose...

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

journal entry 271...

last night i had a bunch of dreams i can't remember.

the only bit i remember is from right before my alarm went off. there were a bunch of us in this little shed that was a "tornado simulator" and we were all waiting for it to work so we'd know what to prepare for. except it didn't really work and the shed barely shook or moved at all. the"harsh wind" barely amounted to a gentle breeze and we all gave the simulator operator shit for it.

we were disappointed that it wasn't more realistic but i was secretly relieved because i was actually quite scared going into it. that didn't keep me from going along with everyone else and giving the operator dude grief over its failure.

i'm trying to get back into my "positive positivity" routine because i've been kind of bitter and bitchy lately. mostly the routine consists of doing a few breathing exercises and whenever J&A or any of those assholes from my old life find their way into my thoughts i just think to myself, "oh who cares?" and let it go.

so far it's working pretty well. i have felt a bit calmer and less hostile which is a relief. it's exhausting being pissed off all the time. "ms. furious". that's been me for the past few months. i'm easily enraged but i do nothing about it to blow off steam so it just builds and aggravates and frustrates. the breathing and letting it go help a lot.

also i've been paying less attention to current events. reading the paper just upsets and depresses me so i've cut back considerably. i'll be so glad when king george's reign of terror is over and we can get on with repairing all the damage he's done.

i've been thinking about getting back in the dating ring. it's been a very long time and i miss the companionship. i want a best-friend, someone to share thoughts and experiences with. i figure i'll post an ad or answer an ad or start going out more after dad's visit. that gives me a month to prepare myself. i think i can do it.

last night i fell asleep before it was even dark out. i was exhausted though. it's like one night i have insomnia and the next night i pass out at 7:30. as long as i'm catching up on the sleep i miss i guess it's all good.

so. this is a boring ass entry. i guess that's what happens when you try to be all zen and shit.

Monday, July 10, 2006

journal entry 270...

last night i dreamt of a dead girl.

i didn't know she was dead at the time but everyone else did.

it was one of those dreams where stuff just happens and it's out of order and wouldn't make any sense in real life but makes perfect sense in the dream.

i was back in college only i was working there instead of going to school. i was annoyed because i was helping some kid who was spoiled and rich and reeked of entitlement and was rude to me because i wasn't. the bell rang and it was lunchtime so i decided to go home instead of staying on campus.

before i left i got a call from my roommate who told me he'd been feeling a "weird and hostile vibe in the house". i was all "uhm, okay. thanks for sharing, freak."

i went home anyway, thinking he'd be there but he wasn't. i didn't feel any "weird or hostile vibe" so i went about my business and then this girl walked in. she was in her early twenties and although i didn't know her personally, i knew of her and it seemed she was our roommate who came and went a lot which is why i hadn't run into her yet.

she was kind of peeved and pissed off and was packing her bags. i asked her what was wrong and if she was moving out. she said she was just sick of the town and all the small minded people and that she needed to get away for awhile. i asked her if she wanted to talk about it first or if she wanted to lie down. i was going to take a nap before heading back to campus and i told her she could lay down with me if she wanted so she did.

we were lying there and i was falling asleep. i can't remember if she spooned me or i spooned her, but somehow we were spooning and i was thinking how i felt this deep connection to her, like maybe i was in love or something. she was chubby and frizzy haired and not conventionally pretty but there was something about her that i was drawn to. she felt safe but exciting at the same time and i knew it was love.

the next thing i knew i was alone in my bed and she had gone. i was telling my mom about her and how i wished i'd gotten to know her better while she'd lived there. my mom was all "wha? what girl are you talking about?" and i was all "the girl who lived here, dipshit. duh!" and she said -dunt-dunt-duh- "no one lives here besides you and BE." then we did a bit of that arguing they do in movies when one person is coming to realize that they had talked to and touched a ghost. i totally freaked out.

it seemed that the girl had lived in the neighborhood recently and had been hit by a car or something. it was determined that she had been very angry about it and that must've been the "weird and hostile vibe" BE had mentioned although she seemed sweet and funny (albeit annoyed) to me.

the part that tripped me out most in the dream wasn't that i'd napped with a ghost, but that everyone believed me. if they hadn't already seen her personally, they'd heard of her and knew the story and totally believed that i'd seen her and fallen in love. with a ghost.

i woke up at this point and was really fascinated with the dream and bummed it was over but when you gotta pee, you gotta pee.

(i might have dreamed this part before i woke up to pee but i'm going to put it here because it seems more romantic that i would fall back to sleep and find her again.)

so i fell back to sleep and she reappeared to me and kind of explained her story which i can't remember now. i told her i didn't want her to leave again but she said she had to.

the next thing i know i'm in a wedding with a bunch of people who are all dressed up and my ghost girl is taunting the couple getting married and the preacher because she's pissed that gay marriage is illegal. not everyone in the wedding party can see her, but a few of us can and we start chanting and taunting too and it's really fun and funny and no one seems too pissed off or anything. it was more like a practical joke or something when the person realizes they've been punk'd or whatever and they kind of laugh to finally be in on the joke.

i was really proud of the ghost girl and i really wanted to be with her but i looked for her in the crowd and she'd disappeared. i looked around the park and saw her standing beneath this lush and lovely maple tree and she said goodbye. it was as if her work was done there and she just kind of disappeared. i was sad but it somehow all made sense. except the part where everyone else could see her too and they all believed me and everything. that was weird and totally tripped me out.

so anyway, i don't know why i'm so fascinated and moved by that dream but i am and i was. now i need to feed babycat.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

journal entry 269...

you'll have to forgive me. i was drunk when i wrote that.

Friday, July 07, 2006

friday poetry blogging - fourteenth edition...

(long time comin')

when i remember how
what used to matter
mattered
but i don't remember you
anymore

or who i remember you as
waht? i remember?

what matters again?

everything you said
has different connotations
now

my response
lost in pillow talk

like what is done
is gone

what is gone
is done

'dead and stinkin''
like my mama says

did i ever know you?
do you even remember me?

what were we even talking
about?

you had the worst taste in books.
and movies.
and women obviously.

ha
but i'm just playin'
with you

motherfucker

coz i remember
clearly

not a day goes by
i don't think of you

motherfucker

'i hope it hurts'
that's what i think

regularly

it's mean
but i mean it

you were never good enough
for me
and it pisses me off
that i didn't realize it then

when you did

coz you don't care
anymore
and i do

Monday, July 03, 2006

journal entry 268...

it was another night of lots and lots of dreams.

in one i was the new girl in grade school again but i was an adult. no one seemed to notice or think it was weird. i had this big duffle bag of crap and was looking for a locker to put it in but they were all really tiny and it wouldn't fit.

in another dream, i was tilling some ground to plant a little herb garden. my mom and dad were there and i thought they'd be excited and be proud of me for being so industrious but they didn't care. they were both bored with me and preoccupied with their own thoughts or whatever. i was kind of disappointed but i planted my seeds anyway. my parents' vegetable garden was fantastic and filled with lush, beautiful fruits and vegetables. the tomatoes were warm from the sun.

in another one i was at the grocery store looking for a gingerbread man. i was craving gingerbread cookies and i wanted one from the bakery that was kind of big with cute decorations made of frosting. there was a pile of cookies but they were trees and balls and i finally found a gingerbread man at the very bottom. i was really excited and paid for him and went outside to eat him. when i got to the car and opened the bag he'd turned into a gingerbread man rug and wasn't edible. i was bummed and now i'm craving fresh gingerbread cookies.

i have a lot to say but i'm feeling fragile and i don't want to stir up any emotions so i'm just going to push them down. i'm feeling bitter and disappointed again with how my old "friends" so willingly let me go without a care or concern for my well being. i know there's nothing i can do now, but i wish i hadn't wasted so much time with them. i wish i'd left the group sooner or was never part of it in the first place.

KE is coming over tonight. i haven't seen her since right before everything went down in october. i love her, but i know she's still friends with all of them and in a way, i know that she's the kind of person who would fuck her best-friend's boyfriend. it seems like there are more people who would than wouldn't though. it's kind of depressing.

i'm not going to be depressed today. i'm going to go take a shower now and wash this dread and disappointment off of me.