Monday, July 03, 2006

journal entry 268...

it was another night of lots and lots of dreams.

in one i was the new girl in grade school again but i was an adult. no one seemed to notice or think it was weird. i had this big duffle bag of crap and was looking for a locker to put it in but they were all really tiny and it wouldn't fit.

in another dream, i was tilling some ground to plant a little herb garden. my mom and dad were there and i thought they'd be excited and be proud of me for being so industrious but they didn't care. they were both bored with me and preoccupied with their own thoughts or whatever. i was kind of disappointed but i planted my seeds anyway. my parents' vegetable garden was fantastic and filled with lush, beautiful fruits and vegetables. the tomatoes were warm from the sun.

in another one i was at the grocery store looking for a gingerbread man. i was craving gingerbread cookies and i wanted one from the bakery that was kind of big with cute decorations made of frosting. there was a pile of cookies but they were trees and balls and i finally found a gingerbread man at the very bottom. i was really excited and paid for him and went outside to eat him. when i got to the car and opened the bag he'd turned into a gingerbread man rug and wasn't edible. i was bummed and now i'm craving fresh gingerbread cookies.

i have a lot to say but i'm feeling fragile and i don't want to stir up any emotions so i'm just going to push them down. i'm feeling bitter and disappointed again with how my old "friends" so willingly let me go without a care or concern for my well being. i know there's nothing i can do now, but i wish i hadn't wasted so much time with them. i wish i'd left the group sooner or was never part of it in the first place.

KE is coming over tonight. i haven't seen her since right before everything went down in october. i love her, but i know she's still friends with all of them and in a way, i know that she's the kind of person who would fuck her best-friend's boyfriend. it seems like there are more people who would than wouldn't though. it's kind of depressing.

i'm not going to be depressed today. i'm going to go take a shower now and wash this dread and disappointment off of me.


Blogger jane kay doe said...

you have the best dreams.

July 03, 2006 11:45 AM  

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