Monday, July 31, 2006

journal entry 274...

last night i dreamt i was a detective or something and i was searching for a murderer who killed women at dance clubs. i found pot in one of the jackets i searched and i kept it. i felt guilty but i did it anyway. then the dream switched and i was walking down the street and ran into BE and ME and i told ME about babycat passing away. he seemed surprised but not too upset.

poor babycat.

i got a new kitty and she's really sweet. i got her from the pound and she seems really happy to have a home. she's really sweet and affectionate, like babycat was when she was a baby babycat. the new kitty looks like her too. she's a year old but she's still really playful and ornery like a kitten. i love her. she's made the loss of my beloved babycat much easier to bear.

everyone has been really sweet.

i thought people would think i was a freak for being so upset about a cat. i expected them to feel bad for me but to be like, "it was just a cat, not your mom or anything, so get over it." they haven't though. several people cried with me and they've sent cards and flowers and emails. CA was really upset and bawled on my answering machine. surprisingly, it was actually comforting to know she was as upset about it as me. she came up to stay with me over the weekend to meet my new babycat. my mini babycat. babycat junior.

i don't know how i'd have survived this loss without her.

HI, from my old circle, contacted me to say she was sorry about the loss too. i thought that was sweet. it kind of spurred a reconnect and we're going to meet for a drink in a couple of weeks. it's probably a bad idea, but i was emotionally distraught and didn't know what i was doing and i was just so happy for the sympathy over losing babycat.

i know J&A are still together but i'm starting to care less and less. i still hate them and they make me sick, but it's easier to put them out of my mind. i know HI is still friends with them so if she brings them up i'm just going to say "that's the past, ancient history. i don't want to think or care about them anymore."

and i don't.

it's been almost a year. i keep thinking of when i first started this journal and how devastated i was and how hurt. wondering where i'd be and how i'd feel a year from then. i didn't think i'd ever get over it or survive it. i was so depressed i thought i'd give myself cancer or something from rage and misery. who knows, i might have. i don't have any symptoms yet though, so that's good i suppose.

i guess when i really think about it it does still hurt, but i think of it less and less and the pain is now just a dull blob in the pit of my stomach. it's no longer the incessant squeezing pressure on my heart or painful lump in my throat. i'm getting better. i'm getting over it. i'm moving on.

and it's still july. i've still got two and a half more months to make a full recovery. i'm really going to make the effort.


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