Sunday, August 27, 2006

journal entry 280...

apparently J&A are moving in together and i don't even care. as far as i'm concerned it couldn't happen to two more deserving people.

they've probably got these grand ideas of how fun and exciting it will be to play house but i know that living together is when it all really starts to suck. a lifetime of bickering and disappointment awaits them and i laugh at that. ha!

i was also thinking, the truth of the matter is that i was the love of J's life and i left him a long time ago and he was so desperate to not be alone that he went with the first person who showed any interest in him. and she's a fucking idiot. it has hurt me all these months because i felt abandoned and rejected and betrayed and disrespected, but the truth of the matter is that those two jackholes are slumming because that's what losers do. they settle for the first thing to come along because they don't think they'll ever find anything better.

i'm not a loser. i won't settle. i'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't stimulate me mentally and emotionally. i believe in myself and i know that i deserve love and passion and respect and that i will find it when i'm ready.

HI and i met for drinks last week. i had never intended to speak with her ever again, but after babycat passed away, she sent me a sweet condolence email and suggested we get together and i was weak and emotional so i agreed. it was okay though. we caught up and laughed a lot and it was nice to see her. we never mentioned J&A or really any of the other people except DA&JA and their breakup. apparently JA is in a bad way etc. etc.

it was fine. as we were leaving i was thinking, "okay, that's the end of that." but as HI was lighting her cigarette she said, "it was good to see you. we should make a habit of it." i was like, "sure." but i don't know what i really think about that.

MA was the one who told me about J&A moving in together. apparently they sent out an email inviting "everyone" to see their "cool new crib". and i barf at that. i'm really glad he's not going to be across the street from me anymore though.

it actually didn't upset me at all. i was just like, "whatever. it figures." i guess i kind of felt okay also because KE and then MA had both told me how they never really liked A and how lame and stupid she is etc. etc. it made me feel good to know that i wasn't the only one and that other people do realize A is kind of an idiot - that she rarely knows what she's talking about.

it made me feel good because if they both know it then others must know it as well, including J. as a matter of fact, i know he knows it coz i remember the two of us discussing it before, after a night of drinking with all of them. he knows she sucks, he knows he's settling, and he knows it's because i wouldn't have him. suck on that motherfucker.

i've been looking at it the wrong way this whole time. i've been feeling brokenhearted and i should've just accepted it and moved on and forgotten about it. that's where i am now though, so that's that. i'm in a good space and i'm moving in a good direction. the best is yet to come.

and for J&A it's just the opposite. hahaha!

(i know, i'm immature and spiteful. what can i say? misery loves company...)

Saturday, August 26, 2006

soon you will be leaving your man - lyrics by bright eyes

he always gets so mad
at things you laugh at
"don't get so worked up." you'd say
but on the back deck
you admit that
you haven't felt much like laughing lately anyway.
and then i say,
"well, that could change."

i noticed how you waste no time
making your way
across the room.
you leave a wake of tongues
still waving
after you

it isn't no coincidence
where you finally choose to stand
i know soon
soon you'll be leaving
your man

well it's a sweet smile
and then a denial
hey, you're just trying to be nice
but there's a meaning
to every fleeting
action you unconsciously decide
and the clocks they chime
and now it's time

i know you try to play it cool
but there are some thoughts
you just can't hide
only in your
closest friends
would you confide

the way you say
you'll be seeing me, oh like it's so offhand
i guess soon
soon you will be leaving your man

you look at me so boldly now. you have no lack
of confidence
it's just those lessons on sublety
you missed
i know you dream of saving me
like i'm some plane
that you could land
but when you fly
you'll be leaving your man

you will. you? will. - lyrics by bright eyes

you say that i treat you like a book on a shelf
i don't take you out that often
cause i know that i completed you
and that's why you are here
that's the reason you stay here
how awful that must feel

you said you would be my dream
i could have you every night
and if, by morning, i had forgotten you, well, no big deal, that'd be all right
cause you are the reoccurring kind
you are the reoccurring kind
you never really leave my mind

are you the love of my lifetime? cause there's been times i've had my doubts
we were just kids when i first kissed you in the attic of my parents house
and i wish we were there now
it took so long to figure out
what this book has been about

now i write when i'm away
letters that you'll never read
you said go to explore those other women
the geography of their bodies but there's just one map you'll need
you're a boomerang you'll see
you will return to me

you will. you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will.
you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will.

cause if you don't, then this book's all lies
if you don't, then my plans would be all ruined
if you don't, I'll start drinking like the way i drank before
and i just wont have a future anymore

Monday, August 21, 2006

journal entry 279...

i don't know why i've been thinking about J&A so much lately. it's annoying though. i wish i could just erase them from my mind entirely. it's boring and old.

last night i had this weird dream that they were in. A looked really pretty (not like she does in real life) and was being really nice to me. i was waiting in line for some water slide ride or something and J was waiting beside me. i asked A to go away so i could talk to J in private and she was happy to oblige. i was pissed that she seemed so confident and secure.

J didn't look like himself either. he was really ugly and he had really bad, painful looking acne. he didn't seem at all comfortable to be alone with me and he kept looking back to see where A was. i was trying to talk to him and was pissed that he seemed so preoccupied with where and what A was doing. i started yelling at him and told him how fucked he was and what a backstabber and terrible friend he was blah, blah, blah. he said something that bored and annoyed me so i just walked away. i was really pissed that he didn't seem to care about me at all.

i think that's my problem - i'm pissed and hurt that they're still together, happily obviously, and he doesn't care about me or what he did at all. it's like our whole relationship was bullshit. a lie. he probably says all the same stuff to her that he said to me. he lies and i still hate them both.

i wish i could just forget them both.

also: john mayer looks exactly like he did five years ago. he should really think about brushing his hair.

Friday, August 18, 2006

too happy - lyrics by edith frost

oh i imagine
i’ve broken a couple of hearts
sure i’ve had moments
sudden feelin’ hit me too hard

i don’t wanna be bitter anymore
wanna let the sunshine in my door
i don’t wanna be too happy
just enough to keep me goin’

cause it won’t feel like home
without something to hold me back
without something to pull behind me
no it won’t be the same
without a reason to say goodbye
without a reason to cry

i’ve clung to the anchor
when they tried to be my rescue
and i’ve taken the wrong turn on occasion
i could see the thing come crashin’ down
there was nothin’ left there anyhow
i don’t wanna be too happy
just enough to tide me over

cause it won’t feel like home
without something to hold me back
without something to pull behind me
no it won’t be the same
without a reason to say goodbye
without a reason to cry

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

journal entry 278...

i keep having these dreams about my soulmate.

they are generally happy and satisfying but when i wake up i can't remember or even visualize who the soulmate was.

the dreams seem so realistic that i feel like i've looked into the future so it's frustrating when i can't remember what or who i saw.

i woke up from one of these soulmate dreams around 4 o'clock this morning and immediately lost all sense of it. i tried to fall back to sleep quickly to recapture it but i wasn't successful. in the follow-up dream, ben stiller was my boyfriend and we were both working in a pet store getting ready for school to start in a few weeks. i was happy in the dream but i knew he wasn't my soulmate. i was just killing time until someone better came along. i think he was too.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

journal entry 277...

i keep thinking about how we can never go back. how things change and we grow and move on.

i've been wanting to go back a lot lately, though. back to the summer of '93 when i was madly in love with KI and he was madly in love with me and we were busy wasting our lives away. i think i wept more in that one summer than i have in the whole rest of my life. i was also happier that one summer than i ever have been in the whole rest of my life.

i'm sure i make it out to be more than it really was though. my memory has a way of tinting the edges of my past with angels and gold. i think the past year will always be tinted with grime and mold though. i'll be happy when the anniversary of the betrayal passes and i never have to think about it again. it's almost been a full year and i'm still filled with hate and loathing for the two fuckheads of the decade.

this is also the year that babycat died. as BE says, she marked the end of an era. "the best years of your life are behind you," he says. i laugh, but he's right. maybe that's why i've been wanting to go back so much lately.

i remember when i lived in the "flophouse" on webster and i hungout with KR and CR a lot. those were some really good times. rudy's and rose 'n crown. the nuthouse. watercourse way. all the drugs and partying. i saw and did everything that year. then our dealer OD'd and we started getting our shit together.

i was just getting started and the future seemed so bright and open to me. i really believed i could do anything if i set my mind to it. i was wrong. or maybe i just didn't really set my mind to it?

ah, well. it's too late now.

what cruel irony it will be if i'm sitting here ten years from now looking back on this time as one of the best in my life and wishing i'd taken better notice of it. why can't anything ever just be easy?

Monday, August 07, 2006

journal entry 276...

sometimes, out of nowhere, i'll think of someone i haven't thought of in years. decades even.

just now it was jonah. i think he worked in the deli? and did he date janine before chris got her pregnant?

so weird. i totally didn't know him well at all but i suddenly just thought of him and wondered what he was up to. if someone were to tell me i'd say, "hmm. well good for him, i suppose," and nod my head casually then promptly forget about him for another decade or something.

it's weird how the mind and memory work.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

journal entry 275...

last night i dreamt there were these two fat old cats and i had to get them put to sleep. one was white with grey spots and the other was orange. also, there was a bird in the house just walking around all casual.

i asked the lady, "are you sure i have to do it? i mean, i just had to have my own cat put to sleep last week and it was very sad and traumatizing." she said if i wanted to keep my job i'd get that shit done. the cats knew something was up and i had a hard time catching them.

then the dream suddenly changed and i was in the bathroom in my apartment and apparently the building manager had been in and cleaned and repainted it. i was kind of happy because it looked good and was super clean and disinfected, but i was annoyed that he hadn't given me 24 hours notice. it was like he was spying on me and waited until i left for work then just made himself at home.

it's weird how i can still miss babycat so much when i have another new cat to love and distract me.

she's so sweet and cute and she makes me happy, but i still think about babycat and how sick she was at the end. how sad it was and how difficult to let her go.

it cost $266 to kill my cat and that just really bothers me. it seems so unfair that you have to pay to make yourself miserable.

my new kitty, junior, is precious though. she's sweet and happy and good. she reminds me of babycat when babycat was a baby. i can tell she really loves me too, and i love her back.

my dad and stepmom will be here a week from today. it's exciting but stressful. i'm really looking forward to it, but i'll be glad when it's over too. i always feel so anxious and worried when i have to entertain. what if they think i'm boring? what if they want to go home and wish they'd never come? i hope the weather is nice.

it would be weird if i could ever just be happy about something and accept it. i always have to make mountains of mole hills; shit from apple butter.