Tuesday, August 15, 2006

journal entry 277...

i keep thinking about how we can never go back. how things change and we grow and move on.

i've been wanting to go back a lot lately, though. back to the summer of '93 when i was madly in love with KI and he was madly in love with me and we were busy wasting our lives away. i think i wept more in that one summer than i have in the whole rest of my life. i was also happier that one summer than i ever have been in the whole rest of my life.

i'm sure i make it out to be more than it really was though. my memory has a way of tinting the edges of my past with angels and gold. i think the past year will always be tinted with grime and mold though. i'll be happy when the anniversary of the betrayal passes and i never have to think about it again. it's almost been a full year and i'm still filled with hate and loathing for the two fuckheads of the decade.

this is also the year that babycat died. as BE says, she marked the end of an era. "the best years of your life are behind you," he says. i laugh, but he's right. maybe that's why i've been wanting to go back so much lately.

i remember when i lived in the "flophouse" on webster and i hungout with KR and CR a lot. those were some really good times. rudy's and rose 'n crown. the nuthouse. watercourse way. all the drugs and partying. i saw and did everything that year. then our dealer OD'd and we started getting our shit together.

i was just getting started and the future seemed so bright and open to me. i really believed i could do anything if i set my mind to it. i was wrong. or maybe i just didn't really set my mind to it?

ah, well. it's too late now.

what cruel irony it will be if i'm sitting here ten years from now looking back on this time as one of the best in my life and wishing i'd taken better notice of it. why can't anything ever just be easy?

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