Sunday, August 27, 2006

journal entry 280...

apparently J&A are moving in together and i don't even care. as far as i'm concerned it couldn't happen to two more deserving people.

they've probably got these grand ideas of how fun and exciting it will be to play house but i know that living together is when it all really starts to suck. a lifetime of bickering and disappointment awaits them and i laugh at that. ha!

i was also thinking, the truth of the matter is that i was the love of J's life and i left him a long time ago and he was so desperate to not be alone that he went with the first person who showed any interest in him. and she's a fucking idiot. it has hurt me all these months because i felt abandoned and rejected and betrayed and disrespected, but the truth of the matter is that those two jackholes are slumming because that's what losers do. they settle for the first thing to come along because they don't think they'll ever find anything better.

i'm not a loser. i won't settle. i'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't stimulate me mentally and emotionally. i believe in myself and i know that i deserve love and passion and respect and that i will find it when i'm ready.

HI and i met for drinks last week. i had never intended to speak with her ever again, but after babycat passed away, she sent me a sweet condolence email and suggested we get together and i was weak and emotional so i agreed. it was okay though. we caught up and laughed a lot and it was nice to see her. we never mentioned J&A or really any of the other people except DA&JA and their breakup. apparently JA is in a bad way etc. etc.

it was fine. as we were leaving i was thinking, "okay, that's the end of that." but as HI was lighting her cigarette she said, "it was good to see you. we should make a habit of it." i was like, "sure." but i don't know what i really think about that.

MA was the one who told me about J&A moving in together. apparently they sent out an email inviting "everyone" to see their "cool new crib". and i barf at that. i'm really glad he's not going to be across the street from me anymore though.

it actually didn't upset me at all. i was just like, "whatever. it figures." i guess i kind of felt okay also because KE and then MA had both told me how they never really liked A and how lame and stupid she is etc. etc. it made me feel good to know that i wasn't the only one and that other people do realize A is kind of an idiot - that she rarely knows what she's talking about.

it made me feel good because if they both know it then others must know it as well, including J. as a matter of fact, i know he knows it coz i remember the two of us discussing it before, after a night of drinking with all of them. he knows she sucks, he knows he's settling, and he knows it's because i wouldn't have him. suck on that motherfucker.

i've been looking at it the wrong way this whole time. i've been feeling brokenhearted and i should've just accepted it and moved on and forgotten about it. that's where i am now though, so that's that. i'm in a good space and i'm moving in a good direction. the best is yet to come.

and for J&A it's just the opposite. hahaha!

(i know, i'm immature and spiteful. what can i say? misery loves company...)


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