Friday, September 29, 2006

journal entry 288...

i was just thinking: it's like this whole past year has just been an exercise to see if i'd survive. when i started it i wondered if i'd make it through to see how it all turned out.

every day i think to myself, well, i made it. only x number of days left until it's been an entire year. and i guess i'm also thinking that once my year is up i can get on with my life? it's like this has all been a recovery process and on october 24th i'll hand myself a diploma and say, "congratulations, broken ladder, you've completed your program and served your time. now go out there and start living again!"

it's not like i've been intentionally holding myself back or anything, but i think there is a part of me that's been like, i'm in pain. i've been hurt. i'm still broken. whatever i do at this moment is meaningless. only after this year passes will i feel like i'm really connected to myself again. if that makes any sense.

i don't really know what i mean actually.

i guess it's just that the anniversary is looming and i wonder what i have to show for it.

1) MA and i are friends again.
2) HI and i talk occasionally and although i still don't trust her or want her fully involved in my life, it is a relief to no longer actively avoid her.
3) the rest of them are still dead to me. i don't want them and they obviously don't want me. that too is a relief in it's own way. no more faking like i like people i actually despise. although i do sometimes miss the ones i didn't despise as much as the others.
4) babycat is dead. that's one thing i definitely didn't see coming.

journal entry 287...

i remember when i used to check my horoscope religiously to see if there would be any change in the suckage of my life. now i hardly look at it at all.

i'm guessing that's a good thing and that i've passed the "acceptance" stage and am well into the "moving on" portion of my life. go me.

i think i'm going to go home and open a bottle of wine and read my runes for old time's sake though. besides, i've been feeling a bit scattered and blue lately so maybe they'll offer a bit of grounding or centering options for me.

i certainly feel better than i did a year ago, but not quite as good as i'd hoped. i've still got a month to go though so maybe a miracle will occur and i'll reach a state of bliss by dday.

then again, maybe i won't.

Friday, September 15, 2006

journal entry 286...

one year is just around the corner. i feel different and the same.

this time last year i was sad and angry and frustrated but i had no idea how much worse it would get. at the time i thought what i was going through was the worst thing ever. and it was, until something worse happened.

i feel different: not as sad, not as angry, not as confused. but i feel the same too: disappointed that i don't believe anymore. angry that the people i thought were one way were another. sad that so much i once considered precious was wasted and lost.

sometimes i'm sad and long for the days when i was still innocent and felt like i had my whole life ahead of me. now i feel like i missed the train too many times over the years and wonder if i can ever catch up.

"i kept seeing things as a postponement of my life and then i realized, this is my llife."

who said that?

Sunday, September 10, 2006

journal entry 285...

last night i had lots of nightmares that i can't remember. i do remember that i woke up from one and was afraid to go back to sleep and pick up where it left off.

i think i've been watching too much true crime tv. too much tv in general. i need to put down the remote and pick up a book. it's the free cable though. i just keep watching and watching because i know they're going to realize their error eventually and i won't have anything to watch anymore anyway. i could be doing the same thing ten years from now though so i should probably just stop it now before my brain melts entirely.

when woke up i'd been dreaming i was back at wfm but i kept trying to open the wrong register. i'd call people over to my line and when they'd get there i'd realize there was no money in it and i'd have to move again. this went on and on. i was looking forward to my break and having one of those mini cheesecakes from the bakery. i really wanted pistachio.

Friday, September 08, 2006

journal entry 284...

lots of times i dream of cars going off course, or planes skimming oceans, or restrooms full of voyeurs when i'm at my most vulnerable.

last night i dreamt we were flying. well, almost.

at one point it was over and you (MY) and i were in a coffee shop eating muffins and there was someone else there (SP) who wore warm slippers. i said, "oh, like on virgin." you looked at me strange but i was talking about the slippers. i heard they give them out in first class.

but in the beginning, when we were flying (but not really), i was pissed. the pilot said, "everyone remember: as we enter the tunnel, lift up your feet and kick off. and don't forget to wave your hands in the air."

i was pissed because i thought, "we paid full price for these tickets, why do we have to push off? we paid for the tickets, they should do the hard stuff. we should get to just sit here."

but you plugged your ears and kicked off like you were riding a skateboard. you kicked and kicked and kicked.

we almost got going.

and then suddenly it was like a train and we were coming out of a tunnel or something. we were supposed to kick off to catch air before we crashed into everything. some people kicked off, some people cried, some people complained. and then the pilot said, "we're on the wrong runway. i'm sorry, you can quit kicking now. i'm gonna bring it to a stop and you can get off."

i was like, "hell yeah. i knew that shit was fucked up, and not just coz i'm lazy."

but then it switched again and i was in some kind of camp? the restroom or something? but the play was about to start and i couldn't find my pants. i was in the stall thinking, "why do i always do this? it's not even a dream anymore. now i just show up at places and forget where my pants are."

and then i thought, "oh, fuck it. i wanna see this show."

and i walked out half naked and woke up.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

journal entry 283...

or maybe it's that the memories are better than the actual experience and i'm filled with contentment and joy at remembering it the way it wasn't. remembering it better than it was.

journal entry 282...

sometimes i'll hear a song and be filled with an overwhelming sense of contentment and joy. usually this is because the song reminds me of my youth or some good time i had back then. i remember old friends and old times and then, just as quickly as it came over me, the song ends and i'm back here, in my real life where i started.

i wonder, will i hear a song ten years from now and will it remind me of this time in my life? will i be filled with a sense of joy and contentment that i don't notice right now? i mean, i wasn't filled with it ten years ago was i? i don't remember being particularly happy or anything. i was just me.

i guess i have lots of good memories of doing random fun stuff with people. baseball games, parties, closing shifts, concerts, picnics, rudy's, rose 'n' crown, litticoates, miyaki's...lots of other things that don't even exist anymore.

"i'm nostalgic for stuff that happened five minutes ago."

yeah, me too, max, me too.

Friday, September 01, 2006

in other's words seventeen...

"i know it's been a rough season for us this year. not lot of shots have fallen for us. in fact, not a single shot has fallen for us in 14 games. so i guess the question we have to ask ourselves is: are we going to let those 14 games determine the next one? because if we are, we may as well just go out there and shake hands with the other team and congratulate them on their victory.

i see some of you nodding your heads in agreement right now. by all means it's not altogether an absurd idea. the odds are that we're gonna lose no matter how we go about playing this game. so why do we play at all?

well team, i don't really have an answer for that question. and you know why? it's a stupid question. asked by a doubtful and unhappy man. forget his question. you've gotta just keep playing. because if you don't, you might end up like him. and let me tell you, he's no fun.

nobody knows what we're capable of, okay? the past does not always predict the future. now that team may have seen us play before, but they haven't seen us play today. am i right? alright." - lonesome jim

journal entry 281...

i am different you know. it's not like this year hasn't changed me. there was a time when i believed in something but now i know better.

remember the tinman - lyrics by tracy chapman

there are locks on the doors
and chains stretched across
all the entries to the inside
there's a gate and a fence
and bars to protect
from only god knows what lurks outside
who stole your heart
left you with a space
that no one and nothing can fill
who stole your heart
who took it away
knowing that without it you can't live

who took away the part
so essential to the whole
left you a hollow body
skin and bone
what robber
what thief
who stole your heart
and the key

who stole your heart
the smile from your face
the innocence the light from your eyes
who stole your heart
or did you give it away
and if so then when and why
who took away the part
so essential to the whole
left you a hollow body
skin and bone
what robber
what thief
who stole your heart
and the key

now all sentiment
is gone
now you have no trust in no one

who stole your heart
did you know but forget
the method and moment in time
was it a trickster
using mirrors and sleight of hand
a strong elixir or a potion that you drank
who hurt your heart
bruised it in a place
that no one and nothing can heal

you've gone to wizards,
princes and magic men
you've gone to witches,
the good the bad the indifferent
but still all sentiment is gone
but still you have no trust in no one

if you can tear down the walls
throw your armor away
remove all roadblocks barricades
if you can forget there are bandits
and dragons to slay
and don't forget that you defend an empty space
and remember the tinman
found he had what he thought he lacked
remember the tinman
go find your hear and take it back

who stole your heart
maybe no one can say
one day you will find it i pray