Friday, September 29, 2006

journal entry 288...

i was just thinking: it's like this whole past year has just been an exercise to see if i'd survive. when i started it i wondered if i'd make it through to see how it all turned out.

every day i think to myself, well, i made it. only x number of days left until it's been an entire year. and i guess i'm also thinking that once my year is up i can get on with my life? it's like this has all been a recovery process and on october 24th i'll hand myself a diploma and say, "congratulations, broken ladder, you've completed your program and served your time. now go out there and start living again!"

it's not like i've been intentionally holding myself back or anything, but i think there is a part of me that's been like, i'm in pain. i've been hurt. i'm still broken. whatever i do at this moment is meaningless. only after this year passes will i feel like i'm really connected to myself again. if that makes any sense.

i don't really know what i mean actually.

i guess it's just that the anniversary is looming and i wonder what i have to show for it.

1) MA and i are friends again.
2) HI and i talk occasionally and although i still don't trust her or want her fully involved in my life, it is a relief to no longer actively avoid her.
3) the rest of them are still dead to me. i don't want them and they obviously don't want me. that too is a relief in it's own way. no more faking like i like people i actually despise. although i do sometimes miss the ones i didn't despise as much as the others.
4) babycat is dead. that's one thing i definitely didn't see coming.

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