Friday, October 27, 2006

journal entry 294...

hm. so i guess this is what passes for happiness these days?

it's dark out, but warm. i have a new cat and a lamp that casts elegant shadows on the hardwood floors. i have a bottle of red wine and i drink it from a crystal glass someone regifted to me. i feel wise but not older. or do i feel old and unwise? i am still surprised by mundane and horrible things. i do not believe in the inherent goodness of others. i wouldn't go that far.

i've been alone for a year now and i like it this way. i thought when it started it would be a phase. a period of healing and then i'd go back to the way i was before. now i think i was always like this and before i was playing a part. and not very successfully obviously.

i don't even know what i'm talking about.

don't believe people when they tell you merlot is delicious and sideways was full of shit. merlot is boring and it makes you write the kind of shit that matters to no one.

you know what i miss? zima. do they even make that anymore? don't answer.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

journal entry 293...

my life is busy and full again, and as weird and ridiculous as it sounds, i sometimes find myself feeling nostalgic and longing for this time last year when i was completely alone. sometimes i even miss the sorrow. i don't know why.

i remember when i took down all of their pictures and how final and lonesome it felt. i think i was in shock for a really long time. it never seemed real to me, you know? i always felt like i was outside of myself watching everything happen. even now i still feel somewhat removed from it all.

time passes so quickly. it went slow at first but now, looking back, it seems like such a long time ago. i don't even miss them anymore.

Friday, October 20, 2006

randomness 100...

i remember when i first moved out here, for the first time. it was like i was "the new girl" at school so i was used to it, but it was still scary and uncomfortable like being "the new girl" always was.

we went to the gatehouse and pudley's and miyaki's a lot and it was all so new and exciting and it all seemed so huge and meaningful, like: "THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! YOU ARE A NEW PERSON, BROKEN LADDER, BEHOLD THE GLORY!!!"

it did change my life. it did. but it was such a whirlwind and i had so many expectations and i had no idea what to expect that so much of it happened while i was still in shock and stunned that i had ever left home to begin with. me. a midwestern girl. out here on the left coast. i loved everything but was afraid i didn't fit. that the others could see i was clumsy and uncultured and i wasn't even that pretty.

i remember going to a party at alec's. he was like 6 or 7 years older than the rest of us but he was fried. i knew right away he was weird but his family had money and they lived in this amazing home in the hills.

i tripped acid with him and he creeped me out and i don't remember how or where we slept but i remember waking up and not knowing where he was and not wanting to see him. i snuck out like a stoned person does: all paranoid and ridiculous and absolutely clueless. i had only been in town a few months so i barely even knew where i was, and i was rushing to get out of there before he remembered i was there.

i ended up grabbing my backpack and finding my bike and realizing that i was dying of thirst and was locked out of his house. i ended up getting into the pool area somehow and drinking chlorinated water from the pool. i was an idiot then and didn't really even consider it. i remember thinking, "people have peed in this pool, but it tastes like medicine." it was the pee i was concerned about.

anyway, i drank a bunch of chlorinated pee water and then rode my bike down the hill with barely an idea of where i was going. somehow i ended up on page mill? arastradero? el camino? i don't remember coz i didn't know the streets then but i remember that bear saw me and pulled over and offered me a ride and i was so happy and relieved because i was still dying of thirst but then a paul mccartney song came on the radio and she had to pull over to cry because she loved him so much.

i was annoyed but thankful that i was getting a ride. i just wanted it to be over sooner so i'd know where i was and could drink unchlorinated unpeeified water but i was patient. i've never really been a beatles person per se. (what the fuck does "per se" mean exactly, anyway?)

i want to say that i made it home and went to that market in menlo park and got a pint of chunky money and went home to our place on laurel, but i really don't remember what happened after bear pulled over to cry at paul mccartney.

i do know that i apparently made it home and lived to tell coz, well, i guess i'm tellin.

journal entry 292...

at this time last year i was drunk and had been for two days.

i hadn't started this blog yet because i was holed up in my bed with a bottle of whiskey and a box of cabernet and i hadn't decided what i was going to do yet. i'd considered taking a bottle of tylenol pm but i wasn't sure it would actually work and i was afraid that if it did, babycat would starve and resort to eating my face off and i didn't want that for her. so i drank and wept and blubbered and watched "the suicide kings" and went back and forth between wishing i was dead and wishing J&A were.

this went on for several more days.

on monday i sobered up and went back to work, but i was like an egg someone had blown the insides out of: fragile, hollow, and broken. i wept silently at my desk and didn't speak to anyone. and then i started this blog. mostly i think, because i wanted to keep track of the lyrics of all the songs that kept making me strong and breaking my heart at the same time.

the first one i posted was november by azure ray. that song is still one of the most meaningful songs of my life. the lines so i'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin were on repeat in my brain for the first six months of this whole thing.

this is what i said in my first journal entry:

someday i will look back on this time and think it was a good thing. that i needed to clear out everything old and make room for the new to enter. the last year has been incredibly difficult. i've denied that to myself and stuffed the sorrow and pain down and tried to hide it away but i'm so full of sadness and grief that there's no more room inside me for anything else. i need to let some of this out to make room for something better.

someday came sooner than i expected. i thought it would take years to recover but it didn't. and i can honestly say that i am stronger and healthier and happier now than i had been for the year and a half leading up to "it". the people i had surrounded myself made me angry and hateful and miserable.

it was hard to lose them - to let go - but it was what i needed and i guess "the J&A incident" was really the only way it was ever going to happen. i'm relieved they're all out of my life and that time is behind me.

really though, nothing much has changed this past year except me. i feel okay, you know? where i was meek and destroyed before, i feel sturdy and able again. time passes. one grows.

i do miss babycat though.

Friday, October 13, 2006

friday poetry blogging - fifteenth edition...

winter

pristine white snow
cowers
under bleak
grey sky

wicked fingers
reach hungrily
from sickly
branches

animals burrow
beneath them
anyway
undeterred
by the unwelcoming stretch
of dark shadows

wind blows
the sun
comes and goes

things falter
and grow
strong again

for everything
turn, turn, turn
there is a season
turn, turn, turn


and eventually
all seasons
turn to heaven

journal entry 291...

the thing i always hated about winter was how much harsher and worse everything seemed. everything was so dry and brittle and desolate. i can remember my snot freezing my nostrils closed and shivering so hard my lower back would cramp up.

i hated winter back then. the midwest.

here it's so much milder. although i've still always dreaded the approach of winter. shorter days, longer nights, so much darkness. for some reason i'm not dreading it this year though. i'm kind of looking forward to the fog and the dreary days.

i was walking home from work today remembering this time last year and how i still didn't know what was waiting just around the corner for me but i was miserable anyway. i wanted things to change. i wanted a new life.

be careful what you wish for. i don't know how many times my mom has said that and i obviously didn't pay attention.

things are different now. better. i feel happier and stronger and more determined. i've got purpose and my self-worth is based on my own feelings, not how i perceive others feel about me.

but back to winter. i think it's a good sign that i'm willing to accept it. i used to dread it and fight and spend october through february wishing for spring. now i'm just thinking okay. it's right around the corner. the fog, the rain, the dark. it doesn't seem as dreadful though. it's just a season, just time. it passes. it'll pass whether i wish it away or not. this time i'm not gonna wish, i'm just gonna go with it.

i like myself better than i did. this year has been good for me. the solitude, the soul searching, the acceptance. what i used to believe in, what i thought was real wasn't. that was hard to accept but now that i have i feel empty and full at the same time. empty in a good way, not like before. now i am an empty vessel and i've made room for fulfillment. before i was empty from wanting.

time. it passes one way or another. i continue to age whether i grow up or not. it's my choice. and i've decided to grow.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

journal entry 290...

it seems like i dream mostly about planes, plane crashes, elephants, storms and raging oceans, and old, dilapidated houses.

last night i dreamt that i was on a runway and a plane flew over and landed on its head. i was surprised and worried but everybody got off safely. the flight attendant said it was actually more common than you'd expect. she said lots of planes fly upside down and then they can't get turned back over before they land. it was very weird.

i also dreamt i was at a little gas station market with some old friends and i think J was there too. we were going to do some sight seeing and were trying to decide on snacks to take with us. i think we decided on generic junior mints but i really wanted these mini snickers bars. i idn't throw a fit or anything though. i was concerned that we didn't have anything salty to balance it all out.

we ended up sight seeing in some cave. it was dark and i was trying to figure out which setting on my camera was night vision. i used the camera i sold to J and i thought to myself how my own camera is so much better. i wasn't mad or upset with him or anything though. and A never showed up so it was less hostile than usual.

a few weeks ago i dreamt about a plane that was a snowglobe. you could see all the people in it and it was tipping over and flying all crazy so the "snow" was flowing all over the palce. i think all of the passengers were buddhist monks.

what could it all mean?

Sunday, October 08, 2006

journal entry 289...

i was folding laundry earlier and came across a shirt J gave to me a few months before we broke up. when he gave it to me i remember thinking this will be a momento. someday when we're no longer together i'll look back on moment. this shirt will remind me.

i guess there was always a part of me that knew it wouldn't last.

i've been dreaming of A a lot lately. last night i dreamt she was dating an old boyfriend, but it wasn't J. it was a different old boyfriend but i was stilll quite angry and hateful. the night before last i dreamt that i ran into her somewhere and she asked if she could borrow something, i can't remember what it was. i replied, no, because i hate you. i don't remember the rest of the dream.

the year of firsts is almost behind me. my second halloween alone is coming up. then my second thanksgiving, then christmas, then new years. on october 24th i'm putting this all behind me and moving on. it's going to be a much better year, i can feel it.