Friday, October 13, 2006

journal entry 291...

the thing i always hated about winter was how much harsher and worse everything seemed. everything was so dry and brittle and desolate. i can remember my snot freezing my nostrils closed and shivering so hard my lower back would cramp up.

i hated winter back then. the midwest.

here it's so much milder. although i've still always dreaded the approach of winter. shorter days, longer nights, so much darkness. for some reason i'm not dreading it this year though. i'm kind of looking forward to the fog and the dreary days.

i was walking home from work today remembering this time last year and how i still didn't know what was waiting just around the corner for me but i was miserable anyway. i wanted things to change. i wanted a new life.

be careful what you wish for. i don't know how many times my mom has said that and i obviously didn't pay attention.

things are different now. better. i feel happier and stronger and more determined. i've got purpose and my self-worth is based on my own feelings, not how i perceive others feel about me.

but back to winter. i think it's a good sign that i'm willing to accept it. i used to dread it and fight and spend october through february wishing for spring. now i'm just thinking okay. it's right around the corner. the fog, the rain, the dark. it doesn't seem as dreadful though. it's just a season, just time. it passes. it'll pass whether i wish it away or not. this time i'm not gonna wish, i'm just gonna go with it.

i like myself better than i did. this year has been good for me. the solitude, the soul searching, the acceptance. what i used to believe in, what i thought was real wasn't. that was hard to accept but now that i have i feel empty and full at the same time. empty in a good way, not like before. now i am an empty vessel and i've made room for fulfillment. before i was empty from wanting.

time. it passes one way or another. i continue to age whether i grow up or not. it's my choice. and i've decided to grow.

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