Friday, October 20, 2006

journal entry 292...

at this time last year i was drunk and had been for two days.

i hadn't started this blog yet because i was holed up in my bed with a bottle of whiskey and a box of cabernet and i hadn't decided what i was going to do yet. i'd considered taking a bottle of tylenol pm but i wasn't sure it would actually work and i was afraid that if it did, babycat would starve and resort to eating my face off and i didn't want that for her. so i drank and wept and blubbered and watched "the suicide kings" and went back and forth between wishing i was dead and wishing J&A were.

this went on for several more days.

on monday i sobered up and went back to work, but i was like an egg someone had blown the insides out of: fragile, hollow, and broken. i wept silently at my desk and didn't speak to anyone. and then i started this blog. mostly i think, because i wanted to keep track of the lyrics of all the songs that kept making me strong and breaking my heart at the same time.

the first one i posted was november by azure ray. that song is still one of the most meaningful songs of my life. the lines so i'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin were on repeat in my brain for the first six months of this whole thing.

this is what i said in my first journal entry:

someday i will look back on this time and think it was a good thing. that i needed to clear out everything old and make room for the new to enter. the last year has been incredibly difficult. i've denied that to myself and stuffed the sorrow and pain down and tried to hide it away but i'm so full of sadness and grief that there's no more room inside me for anything else. i need to let some of this out to make room for something better.

someday came sooner than i expected. i thought it would take years to recover but it didn't. and i can honestly say that i am stronger and healthier and happier now than i had been for the year and a half leading up to "it". the people i had surrounded myself made me angry and hateful and miserable.

it was hard to lose them - to let go - but it was what i needed and i guess "the J&A incident" was really the only way it was ever going to happen. i'm relieved they're all out of my life and that time is behind me.

really though, nothing much has changed this past year except me. i feel okay, you know? where i was meek and destroyed before, i feel sturdy and able again. time passes. one grows.

i do miss babycat though.

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