Wednesday, November 22, 2006

journal entry 301...

i remember one of my favorite thanksgivings. it was at gummy and it was a beautiful, clear day. warm and lovely too.

everyone was there, even people i didn't really like, but i was happy to see them. jonathan made this disgusting soup that everyone hated and i was too young and bitchy to not tell him. it was 2 in the afternoon and we were all drunk and starving anyway.

i always think of that one as my most favorite thanksgiving ever, but i'm not even sure what year it was. '93? '94? '95?

my second favorite thanksgiving ever was my first one out here. with lara. we shoplifted hundreds of dollars worth of food, beverage, and housewares from the store we worked at and we drank and cooked and invited lots of people over. it was lovely. also quite warm and beautiful. i guess that's the way it usually is out here at this time. i do miss the way it used to make me a lot happier though.

i do miss those days i loved, with my whole life ahead of me. before i even knew there were "kinds" of wine, and not just "red", "white", and "pink zin".

did everything turn out okay? am i good with the way things are? i think my 1993-1995 self is super disappointed. my old lady 2006 self is pretty content with it though.

(right now i am missing my 1993 self and the 1993 KI i was in love with. who knows what our 2006 selves would be now though. i'm sure id' be equally disappointed.)

i still love KI even though we're both totally different now. my 1993 me misses his 1993 him terribly.

terribly terribly.

journal entry 300...

last night it was more dreams of husbands and wives and me having crushes. this time it was KI, though, and i was trying to seduce his wife and convince her that i was no threat. that it was her i was in love with. i don't remember if it was true or just and act to be with KI behind her back. i think i really loved her.

i also dreamt that rick springfield was on tour again and i saw him perform at some auditorium that seemed much too small for a star of his caliber. there weren't that many people there and i felt bad for him. at one point he looked directly at me (i think it was during jesse's girl) and i could tell he was quite sad and disappointed.

i remember when i was in fifth or sixth grade and i used to watch general hospital because i had a huge crush on him. i was only eleven or twelve so i think it was more paternal than sexual. i wanted a strong, successful, handsome dad like dr. noah drake.

i'm spending thanksgiving at the SPCA tomorrow, with the motherless kitties. i have much to be thankful for, so i am.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

journal entry 299...

last night i dreamt that i was sort of making out with the actor who plays josh lyman on the west wing. in the dream we really fancied each other but we were trying to keep it secret. we didn't want anyone to know. i'm not sure if this was because he was married to the actress who plays malcolm's mom in malcolm in the middle or what.

in the dream we were kind of "sneak" making out while a lot of people we knew were in the room. we kept pretending like we were asleep and had just accidentally rolled onto the other or brushed lips.

in the dream it all felt very, very real and i wondered what i was going to do about it and the wife situation and all of that.

he sort of reminded me of and old friend, BR, and then i got to work this morning and wondered if he wasn't meant to represent my boss, the one i sort of have a crush on, the one who has a wife. all day long though, i've been thinking about that dream and wondering what it meant and i just got back from the restroom where i passed a guy in the hall who i thought, "maybe it was him? maybe the actor who plays josh lyman on the west wing was supposed to represent this guy in my dream?" because i guess i kind of have a crush on him too, and he also has a wife.

all of these crushes are harmless and secret, mind you. no one knows about them and i'd never act on any of them because i have integrity and i respect other people's relationships and boundaries and i'm not the kind of girl who'd fuck someone over or stab them in the back just to get a guy.

maybe i used to be, a long, long time ago when i was still a girl and quite stupid. not anymore though. i'm all grown up now and dreadfully alone.

thank you integrity!

in other's words eighteen...

Kindness in Guatemala - By Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes any sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out in the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

journal entry 298...

maybe it's just the wine and the sliver of sunlight peeking beneath the blinds, but i feel a bit hopeful and optimistic at the moment. i feel like there is a chance, you know? this is a chance to start all over and do it better. to maybe get it right this time?

i don't know.

maybe it's the wine or maybe it's the sunlight or maybe it's leonard cohen in the background. whatever it is, i'm glad for it and i hope i'll remember it tomorrow.

"there is a crack, a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in..."

Saturday, November 11, 2006

journal entry 297...

one thing about getting older. i wonder if i like it or if i don't.

but anyway. one thing about getting older is that things happen and you have a history to compare it to. like when i was young things happened but the world revolved around me so i only had a reference of things that had happened to me and how they compared to other things that had happened to me.

now things happen and i think, "oh, i kinda remember that. i was twenty-whatever and this or that was happening."

obviously i have only the most mundane, the most boring things to share. or maybe i have more but i no longer trust this? i'm scared to say. things. because i'm stupid.

last night i dreamt i had moved to a new apartment and everything i owned was stolen as soon as i left. including my kitty. or maybe she just ran away in the mayhem. either way, i was heartbroken and cried and cried and cried. i went somewhere? i have no idea where it was supposed to be, but it was filthy and miserable and disgusting. filled with homeless drunks. maybe it was my subconscious "skidrow". anyway, i fell to the ground (a stinky, dirty sidewalk) and cried and writhed on the ground freaking out. my life was over. i just kept crying and thrashing and screaming "i wish i was dead. i just want to die now. i can't go on like this." and as i rolled on the ground i kept thinking how foul and disgusting the ground was and how i was certain to catch something, but i didn't care, i just wanted to die.

and then i woke up and i was so relieved that my cat was here and i was in my apartment and my stuff hadn't been stolen. nothing like a nightmare to make you grateful for the mundacity that is your life.

Friday, November 10, 2006

journal entry 296...

clearly i'm a vindictive little bitch. i thought i was above it all, but apparently i'm not.

J has been looking at my other blog a lot more, recently. he looked at it on the anniversary of the backstabbing and then again on wednesday.

i haven't been looking at his blog at all. it has been months, but i finally looked today after seeing him comment on someone else's blog. i decided that since i was there i might as well catch up on what he's been doing in the past three months i haven't been paying any attention to him. on the anniversary he wrote one sentence about "being down" and a week later he wrote "i was tired of the best years of my life". it made me happy to know he's bummed. well, not really "happy", more like smug. it was like, "ha. that's what you get, asshole. now you're stuck with that dipshit and you're finally realizing how much you've lost."

i guess i kind of just feel vindicated, like i knew he'd regret it but then it seemed like he didn't and now that it seems like he does it's a relief.

A isn't one-tenth the woman that i am. and J isn't one-tenth the man i deserve. strangely however, i feel absolutely no desire to pursue that perfect man. for the past year i've become more and more of a recluse and i like it. i enjoy being home alone with my cat and a bottle of wine. having people in my life feels like an intrusion. maybe someday it will change, but for now i am quite content in my solitude.

anyway, i just wanted to say that. i'm not perfect, i'm the kind of person who takes comfort in another person's suffering. it's only J&A though, and they deserve it.

Friday, November 03, 2006

journal entry 295...

i do still think about them but now it's only for fleeting moments and there's no regret, just disgust and irritation. i can usually dismiss the thoughts and put my mind on other things. lately, those other things have been KI and wondering if maybe he was my one true love. if it's possible that i could have found and lost the only real love of my life by the time i was 24. could it be possible? am i meant to be alone? to just remember what love and passion were like and find comfort in those memories when i'm lying in bed alone at night?