Friday, December 29, 2006

journal entry 305...

i remember being sad sad sad all the time time time.

now, not as much.

i haven't cried in at least two months. before the bad times started i didn't cry for years. still, i was sad a lot of that dry time too. i think i'm basically a melancholy person at heart and my usual state is slightly blue.

perhaps i function better this way - just slightly sad with no real hope that things will get any better, but not really disappointed about it. it is what it is. this is the life i lead and i accept it. if i don't wish for more i won't be disappointed.

it's cold and clear out. soot from passing cars makes it's way through the closed windows and worries me.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

journal entry 304...

i'm wearing one of those fussy t-shirts that say "writing well is the best revenge" and everytime i catch my reflection in the bathroom mirror or a conference room window i think to myself, and if one of them got hit by a car that would be pretty cool too.

i'd like to think i'm just kidding, but i have a feeling i'm not.

Friday, December 15, 2006

today's horoscope...

DECEMBER 16th

Your Weekend: Your trouble is, you can't hang on to stuff. You let it all go. You put it behind you. Where some people nurture grudges for years, you are lucky if you can remember after a week why you were never going to speak to someone again. Within a month it is as if it all never happened. Some say this makes you eminently qualified for sainthood. Others say it makes you a bit of a mug. Who cares? This weekend is a great time to forget what you hate to remember.

hahaha. that is so far off the mark it's not even funny. if there's one fucking thing i can do, it's hold a grudge.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

journal entry 303...

it's weird how people and relationships drift in and out of our lives. like how there was a time when my best-friend was janelle steffy and i thought the world would end if we couldn't have recess together forever.

and in high school, when dave and beth fucked one another and i had to dump them both, how i thought i'd never ever get over it. i was frantic with anxiety and worry. how would i ever find another best-friend or boyfriend again?

then there are the people who mean the world to you but then they move away or you move away or one of you changes jobs and your social circles change and you see each other less and less until you forget about one another entirely.

some of them i haven't forgotten entirely though and i do wonder about them now and then. it's just so strange how someone could be such an important part of your daily life, like you see them every single day and think you always will, but then you don't and eventually you don't really even mind.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

something to write with...

as she lay quietly on her side gazing at his back she knew. she knew that someday the scatter of pale brown freckles across his shoulders would grow to annoy her. that someday they would no longer seem precious to her and would serve only as a painful reminder that they had been doomed from the beginning.

journal entry 302...

sometimes i feel like i'm just slightly outside myself, just barely disconnected, as if some other me is doing these things and making these decisions. i just sit back and watch what i'll do next and wonder how i'm going to get myself out of it.

other times i feel like i can remember being this me since i was a child. i remember carrying around the same fears and insecurities when i was eight years old.

***

i had my first "boyfriend" when i was in third or fourth grade. he was a kid i met at the roller rink and we held hands while we skated which is what qualified our relationship i suppose. we never saw each other outside the roller rink and i can't even remember exchanging words with him. i do remember that his name was julio and he was mexican so my dad teased me about it. "how's the beaner?" he'd ask, and i'd get all defensive and indignant because bigotry offended me even then.

come to think of it, my dad and i are both pretty much the exact same people now that we were back then in '78 or '79 or whenever it was. we're both a lot fatter now though.

***

so i've been working on this long list of resolutions for 2007. i'm usually really good at keeping them too. that's because i choose things i want to do, like "read more books", "make time for journaling", etc. it's easy to stick with something if it's something you like.

i've also toyed with the idea of becoming a vegetarian and i wouldn't hesitate except for the hassle it creates when eating out with other people. i don't want the pressure of being a bitch when the menu doesn't meet my dietary requirements. i'm an asshole that way. i'm a big talker in my head, but when confronted, i usually retreat or give in immediately. i'm a vegetarian...unless we're having steak for dinner. i'll eat whatever's put in front of me. obviously.

***

i've been feeling kind of guilty lately because i love my new cat so much. i feel like it's not fair to babycat that i've replaced her so easily. i wouldn't have replaced her if she hadn't croaked though. i mean, i'm supposed to move on, right?

i guess i just never expected to love another cat as much as i loved her and it appears that i do. good for the new cat though. and she is fantastic.

blah. i don't know why i'm blathering on. i guess i've just been feeling guilty for not writing more. i was so creative and diligent when i was miserable and now that i'm not (miserable), it's t.v. 24/7. i hate myself.

#8 write more poetry

that's a hard one to keep though.