Wednesday, December 06, 2006

journal entry 302...

sometimes i feel like i'm just slightly outside myself, just barely disconnected, as if some other me is doing these things and making these decisions. i just sit back and watch what i'll do next and wonder how i'm going to get myself out of it.

other times i feel like i can remember being this me since i was a child. i remember carrying around the same fears and insecurities when i was eight years old.


i had my first "boyfriend" when i was in third or fourth grade. he was a kid i met at the roller rink and we held hands while we skated which is what qualified our relationship i suppose. we never saw each other outside the roller rink and i can't even remember exchanging words with him. i do remember that his name was julio and he was mexican so my dad teased me about it. "how's the beaner?" he'd ask, and i'd get all defensive and indignant because bigotry offended me even then.

come to think of it, my dad and i are both pretty much the exact same people now that we were back then in '78 or '79 or whenever it was. we're both a lot fatter now though.


so i've been working on this long list of resolutions for 2007. i'm usually really good at keeping them too. that's because i choose things i want to do, like "read more books", "make time for journaling", etc. it's easy to stick with something if it's something you like.

i've also toyed with the idea of becoming a vegetarian and i wouldn't hesitate except for the hassle it creates when eating out with other people. i don't want the pressure of being a bitch when the menu doesn't meet my dietary requirements. i'm an asshole that way. i'm a big talker in my head, but when confronted, i usually retreat or give in immediately. i'm a vegetarian...unless we're having steak for dinner. i'll eat whatever's put in front of me. obviously.


i've been feeling kind of guilty lately because i love my new cat so much. i feel like it's not fair to babycat that i've replaced her so easily. i wouldn't have replaced her if she hadn't croaked though. i mean, i'm supposed to move on, right?

i guess i just never expected to love another cat as much as i loved her and it appears that i do. good for the new cat though. and she is fantastic.

blah. i don't know why i'm blathering on. i guess i've just been feeling guilty for not writing more. i was so creative and diligent when i was miserable and now that i'm not (miserable), it's t.v. 24/7. i hate myself.

#8 write more poetry

that's a hard one to keep though.


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