broken ladder...

journal entry 305...

2006-12-29T16:15:00.000-07:00

i remember being sad sad sad all the time time time.

now, not as much.

i haven't cried in at least two months. before the bad times started i didn't cry for years. still, i was sad a lot of that dry time too. i think i'm basically a melancholy person at heart and my usual state is slightly blue.

perhaps i function better this way - just slightly sad with no real hope that things will get any better, but not really disappointed about it. it is what it is. this is the life i lead and i accept it. if i don't wish for more i won't be disappointed.

it's cold and clear out. soot from passing cars makes it's way through the closed windows and worries me.

journal entry 304...

2006-12-19T17:25:00.000-07:00

i'm wearing one of those fussy t-shirts that say "writing well is the best revenge" and everytime i catch my reflection in the bathroom mirror or a conference room window i think to myself, and if one of them got hit by a car that would be pretty cool too.

i'd like to think i'm just kidding, but i have a feeling i'm not.

today's horoscope...

2006-12-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

DECEMBER 16th

Your Weekend: Your trouble is, you can't hang on to stuff. You let it all go. You put it behind you. Where some people nurture grudges for years, you are lucky if you can remember after a week why you were never going to speak to someone again. Within a month it is as if it all never happened. Some say this makes you eminently qualified for sainthood. Others say it makes you a bit of a mug. Who cares? This weekend is a great time to forget what you hate to remember.

hahaha. that is so far off the mark it's not even funny. if there's one fucking thing i can do, it's hold a grudge.

journal entry 303...

2006-12-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

it's weird how people and relationships drift in and out of our lives. like how there was a time when my best-friend was janelle steffy and i thought the world would end if we couldn't have recess together forever.

and in high school, when dave and beth fucked one another and i had to dump them both, how i thought i'd never ever get over it. i was frantic with anxiety and worry. how would i ever find another best-friend or boyfriend again?

then there are the people who mean the world to you but then they move away or you move away or one of you changes jobs and your social circles change and you see each other less and less until you forget about one another entirely.

some of them i haven't forgotten entirely though and i do wonder about them now and then. it's just so strange how someone could be such an important part of your daily life, like you see them every single day and think you always will, but then you don't and eventually you don't really even mind.

something to write with...

2006-12-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

as she lay quietly on her side gazing at his back she knew. she knew that someday the scatter of pale brown freckles across his shoulders would grow to annoy her. that someday they would no longer seem precious to her and would serve only as a painful reminder that they had been doomed from the beginning.

journal entry 302...

2006-12-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel like i'm just slightly outside myself, just barely disconnected, as if some other me is doing these things and making these decisions. i just sit back and watch what i'll do next and wonder how i'm going to get myself out of it.

other times i feel like i can remember being this me since i was a child. i remember carrying around the same fears and insecurities when i was eight years old.

***

i had my first "boyfriend" when i was in third or fourth grade. he was a kid i met at the roller rink and we held hands while we skated which is what qualified our relationship i suppose. we never saw each other outside the roller rink and i can't even remember exchanging words with him. i do remember that his name was julio and he was mexican so my dad teased me about it. "how's the beaner?" he'd ask, and i'd get all defensive and indignant because bigotry offended me even then.

come to think of it, my dad and i are both pretty much the exact same people now that we were back then in '78 or '79 or whenever it was. we're both a lot fatter now though.

***

so i've been working on this long list of resolutions for 2007. i'm usually really good at keeping them too. that's because i choose things i want to do, like "read more books", "make time for journaling", etc. it's easy to stick with something if it's something you like.

i've also toyed with the idea of becoming a vegetarian and i wouldn't hesitate except for the hassle it creates when eating out with other people. i don't want the pressure of being a bitch when the menu doesn't meet my dietary requirements. i'm an asshole that way. i'm a big talker in my head, but when confronted, i usually retreat or give in immediately. i'm a vegetarian...unless we're having steak for dinner. i'll eat whatever's put in front of me. obviously.

***

i've been feeling kind of guilty lately because i love my new cat so much. i feel like it's not fair to babycat that i've replaced her so easily. i wouldn't have replaced her if she hadn't croaked though. i mean, i'm supposed to move on, right?

i guess i just never expected to love another cat as much as i loved her and it appears that i do. good for the new cat though. and she is fantastic.

blah. i don't know why i'm blathering on. i guess i've just been feeling guilty for not writing more. i was so creative and diligent when i was miserable and now that i'm not (miserable), it's t.v. 24/7. i hate myself.

#8 write more poetry

that's a hard one to keep though.

journal entry 301...

2006-11-22T20:27:00.000-07:00

i remember one of my favorite thanksgivings. it was at gummy and it was a beautiful, clear day. warm and lovely too.

everyone was there, even people i didn't really like, but i was happy to see them. jonathan made this disgusting soup that everyone hated and i was too young and bitchy to not tell him. it was 2 in the afternoon and we were all drunk and starving anyway.

i always think of that one as my most favorite thanksgiving ever, but i'm not even sure what year it was. '93? '94? '95?

my second favorite thanksgiving ever was my first one out here. with lara. we shoplifted hundreds of dollars worth of food, beverage, and housewares from the store we worked at and we drank and cooked and invited lots of people over. it was lovely. also quite warm and beautiful. i guess that's the way it usually is out here at this time. i do miss the way it used to make me a lot happier though.

i do miss those days i loved, with my whole life ahead of me. before i even knew there were "kinds" of wine, and not just "red", "white", and "pink zin".

did everything turn out okay? am i good with the way things are? i think my 1993-1995 self is super disappointed. my old lady 2006 self is pretty content with it though.

(right now i am missing my 1993 self and the 1993 KI i was in love with. who knows what our 2006 selves would be now though. i'm sure id' be equally disappointed.)

i still love KI even though we're both totally different now. my 1993 me misses his 1993 him terribly.

terribly terribly.

journal entry 300...

2006-11-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

last night it was more dreams of husbands and wives and me having crushes. this time it was KI, though, and i was trying to seduce his wife and convince her that i was no threat. that it was her i was in love with. i don't remember if it was true or just and act to be with KI behind her back. i think i really loved her.

i also dreamt that rick springfield was on tour again and i saw him perform at some auditorium that seemed much too small for a star of his caliber. there weren't that many people there and i felt bad for him. at one point he looked directly at me (i think it was during jesse's girl) and i could tell he was quite sad and disappointed.

i remember when i was in fifth or sixth grade and i used to watch general hospital because i had a huge crush on him. i was only eleven or twelve so i think it was more paternal than sexual. i wanted a strong, successful, handsome dad like dr. noah drake.

i'm spending thanksgiving at the SPCA tomorrow, with the motherless kitties. i have much to be thankful for, so i am.

journal entry 299...

2006-11-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

last night i dreamt that i was sort of making out with the actor who plays josh lyman on the west wing. in the dream we really fancied each other but we were trying to keep it secret. we didn't want anyone to know. i'm not sure if this was because he was married to the actress who plays malcolm's mom in malcolm in the middle or what.

in the dream we were kind of "sneak" making out while a lot of people we knew were in the room. we kept pretending like we were asleep and had just accidentally rolled onto the other or brushed lips.

in the dream it all felt very, very real and i wondered what i was going to do about it and the wife situation and all of that.

he sort of reminded me of and old friend, BR, and then i got to work this morning and wondered if he wasn't meant to represent my boss, the one i sort of have a crush on, the one who has a wife. all day long though, i've been thinking about that dream and wondering what it meant and i just got back from the restroom where i passed a guy in the hall who i thought, "maybe it was him? maybe the actor who plays josh lyman on the west wing was supposed to represent this guy in my dream?" because i guess i kind of have a crush on him too, and he also has a wife.

all of these crushes are harmless and secret, mind you. no one knows about them and i'd never act on any of them because i have integrity and i respect other people's relationships and boundaries and i'm not the kind of girl who'd fuck someone over or stab them in the back just to get a guy.

maybe i used to be, a long, long time ago when i was still a girl and quite stupid. not anymore though. i'm all grown up now and dreadfully alone.

thank you integrity!

in other's words eighteen...

2006-11-21T17:06:00.000-07:00

Kindness in Guatemala - By Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window
forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes any sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out in the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

journal entry 298...

2006-11-19T15:13:00.000-07:00

maybe it's just the wine and the sliver of sunlight peeking beneath the blinds, but i feel a bit hopeful and optimistic at the moment. i feel like there is a chance, you know? this is a chance to start all over and do it better. to maybe get it right this time?

i don't know.

maybe it's the wine or maybe it's the sunlight or maybe it's leonard cohen in the background. whatever it is, i'm glad for it and i hope i'll remember it tomorrow.

"there is a crack, a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in..."

journal entry 297...

2006-11-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

one thing about getting older. i wonder if i like it or if i don't.

but anyway. one thing about getting older is that things happen and you have a history to compare it to. like when i was young things happened but the world revolved around me so i only had a reference of things that had happened to me and how they compared to other things that had happened to me.

now things happen and i think, "oh, i kinda remember that. i was twenty-whatever and this or that was happening."

obviously i have only the most mundane, the most boring things to share. or maybe i have more but i no longer trust this? i'm scared to say. things. because i'm stupid.

last night i dreamt i had moved to a new apartment and everything i owned was stolen as soon as i left. including my kitty. or maybe she just ran away in the mayhem. either way, i was heartbroken and cried and cried and cried. i went somewhere? i have no idea where it was supposed to be, but it was filthy and miserable and disgusting. filled with homeless drunks. maybe it was my subconscious "skidrow". anyway, i fell to the ground (a stinky, dirty sidewalk) and cried and writhed on the ground freaking out. my life was over. i just kept crying and thrashing and screaming "i wish i was dead. i just want to die now. i can't go on like this." and as i rolled on the ground i kept thinking how foul and disgusting the ground was and how i was certain to catch something, but i didn't care, i just wanted to die.

and then i woke up and i was so relieved that my cat was here and i was in my apartment and my stuff hadn't been stolen. nothing like a nightmare to make you grateful for the mundacity that is your life.

journal entry 296...

2006-11-10T18:22:00.000-07:00

clearly i'm a vindictive little bitch. i thought i was above it all, but apparently i'm not.

J has been looking at my other blog a lot more, recently. he looked at it on the anniversary of the backstabbing and then again on wednesday.

i haven't been looking at his blog at all. it has been months, but i finally looked today after seeing him comment on someone else's blog. i decided that since i was there i might as well catch up on what he's been doing in the past three months i haven't been paying any attention to him. on the anniversary he wrote one sentence about "being down" and a week later he wrote "i was tired of the best years of my life". it made me happy to know he's bummed. well, not really "happy", more like smug. it was like, "ha. that's what you get, asshole. now you're stuck with that dipshit and you're finally realizing how much you've lost."

i guess i kind of just feel vindicated, like i knew he'd regret it but then it seemed like he didn't and now that it seems like he does it's a relief.

A isn't one-tenth the woman that i am. and J isn't one-tenth the man i deserve. strangely however, i feel absolutely no desire to pursue that perfect man. for the past year i've become more and more of a recluse and i like it. i enjoy being home alone with my cat and a bottle of wine. having people in my life feels like an intrusion. maybe someday it will change, but for now i am quite content in my solitude.

anyway, i just wanted to say that. i'm not perfect, i'm the kind of person who takes comfort in another person's suffering. it's only J&A though, and they deserve it.

journal entry 295...

2006-11-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

i do still think about them but now it's only for fleeting moments and there's no regret, just disgust and irritation. i can usually dismiss the thoughts and put my mind on other things. lately, those other things have been KI and wondering if maybe he was my one true love. if it's possible that i could have found and lost the only real love of my life by the time i was 24. could it be possible? am i meant to be alone? to just remember what love and passion were like and find comfort in those memories when i'm lying in bed alone at night?

journal entry 294...

2006-10-27T20:06:00.000-06:00

hm. so i guess this is what passes for happiness these days?

it's dark out, but warm. i have a new cat and a lamp that casts elegant shadows on the hardwood floors. i have a bottle of red wine and i drink it from a crystal glass someone regifted to me. i feel wise but not older. or do i feel old and unwise? i am still surprised by mundane and horrible things. i do not believe in the inherent goodness of others. i wouldn't go that far.

i've been alone for a year now and i like it this way. i thought when it started it would be a phase. a period of healing and then i'd go back to the way i was before. now i think i was always like this and before i was playing a part. and not very successfully obviously.

i don't even know what i'm talking about.

don't believe people when they tell you merlot is delicious and sideways was full of shit. merlot is boring and it makes you write the kind of shit that matters to no one.

you know what i miss? zima. do they even make that anymore? don't answer.

journal entry 293...

2006-10-25T18:47:00.000-06:00

my life is busy and full again, and as weird and ridiculous as it sounds, i sometimes find myself feeling nostalgic and longing for this time last year when i was completely alone. sometimes i even miss the sorrow. i don't know why.

i remember when i took down all of their pictures and how final and lonesome it felt. i think i was in shock for a really long time. it never seemed real to me, you know? i always felt like i was outside of myself watching everything happen. even now i still feel somewhat removed from it all.

time passes so quickly. it went slow at first but now, looking back, it seems like such a long time ago. i don't even miss them anymore.

randomness 100...

2006-10-20T21:44:00.000-06:00

i remember when i first moved out here, for the first time. it was like i was "the new girl" at school so i was used to it, but it was still scary and uncomfortable like being "the new girl" always was.

we went to the gatehouse and pudley's and miyaki's a lot and it was all so new and exciting and it all seemed so huge and meaningful, like: "THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! YOU ARE A NEW PERSON, BROKEN LADDER, BEHOLD THE GLORY!!!"

it did change my life. it did. but it was such a whirlwind and i had so many expectations and i had no idea what to expect that so much of it happened while i was still in shock and stunned that i had ever left home to begin with. me. a midwestern girl. out here on the left coast. i loved everything but was afraid i didn't fit. that the others could see i was clumsy and uncultured and i wasn't even that pretty.

i remember going to a party at alec's. he was like 6 or 7 years older than the rest of us but he was fried. i knew right away he was weird but his family had money and they lived in this amazing home in the hills.

i tripped acid with him and he creeped me out and i don't remember how or where we slept but i remember waking up and not knowing where he was and not wanting to see him. i snuck out like a stoned person does: all paranoid and ridiculous and absolutely clueless. i had only been in town a few months so i barely even knew where i was, and i was rushing to get out of there before he remembered i was there.

i ended up grabbing my backpack and finding my bike and realizing that i was dying of thirst and was locked out of his house. i ended up getting into the pool area somehow and drinking chlorinated water from the pool. i was an idiot then and didn't really even consider it. i remember thinking, "people have peed in this pool, but it tastes like medicine." it was the pee i was concerned about.

anyway, i drank a bunch of chlorinated pee water and then rode my bike down the hill with barely an idea of where i was going. somehow i ended up on page mill? arastradero? el camino? i don't remember coz i didn't know the streets then but i remember that bear saw me and pulled over and offered me a ride and i was so happy and relieved because i was still dying of thirst but then a paul mccartney song came on the radio and she had to pull over to cry because she loved him so much.

i was annoyed but thankful that i was getting a ride. i just wanted it to be over sooner so i'd know where i was and could drink unchlorinated unpeeified water but i was patient. i've never really been a beatles person per se. (what the fuck does "per se" mean exactly, anyway?)

i want to say that i made it home and went to that market in menlo park and got a pint of chunky money and went home to our place on laurel, but i really don't remember what happened after bear pulled over to cry at paul mccartney.

i do know that i apparently made it home and lived to tell coz, well, i guess i'm tellin.

journal entry 292...

2006-10-20T18:41:00.000-06:00

at this time last year i was drunk and had been for two days.

i hadn't started this blog yet because i was holed up in my bed with a bottle of whiskey and a box of cabernet and i hadn't decided what i was going to do yet. i'd considered taking a bottle of tylenol pm but i wasn't sure it would actually work and i was afraid that if it did, babycat would starve and resort to eating my face off and i didn't want that for her. so i drank and wept and blubbered and watched "the suicide kings" and went back and forth between wishing i was dead and wishing J&A were.

this went on for several more days.

on monday i sobered up and went back to work, but i was like an egg someone had blown the insides out of: fragile, hollow, and broken. i wept silently at my desk and didn't speak to anyone. and then i started this blog. mostly i think, because i wanted to keep track of the lyrics of all the songs that kept making me strong and breaking my heart at the same time.

the first one i posted was november by azure ray. that song is still one of the most meaningful songs of my life. the lines so i'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin were on repeat in my brain for the first six months of this whole thing.

this is what i said in my first journal entry:

someday i will look back on this time and think it was a good thing. that i needed to clear out everything old and make room for the new to enter. the last year has been incredibly difficult. i've denied that to myself and stuffed the sorrow and pain down and tried to hide it away but i'm so full of sadness and grief that there's no more room inside me for anything else. i need to let some of this out to make room for something better.

someday came sooner than i expected. i thought it would take years to recover but it didn't. and i can honestly say that i am stronger and healthier and happier now than i had been for the year and a half leading up to "it". the people i had surrounded myself made me angry and hateful and miserable.

it was hard to lose them - to let go - but it was what i needed and i guess "the J&A incident" was really the only way it was ever going to happen. i'm relieved they're all out of my life and that time is behind me.

really though, nothing much has changed this past year except me. i feel okay, you know? where i was meek and destroyed before, i feel sturdy and able again. time passes. one grows.

i do miss babycat though.

friday poetry blogging - fifteenth edition...

2006-10-13T21:12:00.000-06:00

winter

pristine white snow
cowers
under bleak
grey sky

wicked fingers
reach hungrily
from sickly
branches

animals burrow
beneath them
anyway
undeterred
by the unwelcoming stretch
of dark shadows

wind blows
the sun
comes and goes

things falter
and grow
strong again

for everything
turn, turn, turn
there is a season
turn, turn, turn

and eventually
all seasons
turn to heaven

journal entry 291...

2006-10-13T20:38:00.000-06:00

the thing i always hated about winter was how much harsher and worse everything seemed. everything was so dry and brittle and desolate. i can remember my snot freezing my nostrils closed and shivering so hard my lower back would cramp up.

i hated winter back then. the midwest.

here it's so much milder. although i've still always dreaded the approach of winter. shorter days, longer nights, so much darkness. for some reason i'm not dreading it this year though. i'm kind of looking forward to the fog and the dreary days.

i was walking home from work today remembering this time last year and how i still didn't know what was waiting just around the corner for me but i was miserable anyway. i wanted things to change. i wanted a new life.

be careful what you wish for. i don't know how many times my mom has said that and i obviously didn't pay attention.

things are different now. better. i feel happier and stronger and more determined. i've got purpose and my self-worth is based on my own feelings, not how i perceive others feel about me.

but back to winter. i think it's a good sign that i'm willing to accept it. i used to dread it and fight and spend october through february wishing for spring. now i'm just thinking okay. it's right around the corner. the fog, the rain, the dark. it doesn't seem as dreadful though. it's just a season, just time. it passes. it'll pass whether i wish it away or not. this time i'm not gonna wish, i'm just gonna go with it.

i like myself better than i did. this year has been good for me. the solitude, the soul searching, the acceptance. what i used to believe in, what i thought was real wasn't. that was hard to accept but now that i have i feel empty and full at the same time. empty in a good way, not like before. now i am an empty vessel and i've made room for fulfillment. before i was empty from wanting.

time. it passes one way or another. i continue to age whether i grow up or not. it's my choice. and i've decided to grow.

journal entry 290...

2006-10-10T05:55:00.000-06:00

it seems like i dream mostly about planes, plane crashes, elephants, storms and raging oceans, and old, dilapidated houses.

last night i dreamt that i was on a runway and a plane flew over and landed on its head. i was surprised and worried but everybody got off safely. the flight attendant said it was actually more common than you'd expect. she said lots of planes fly upside down and then they can't get turned back over before they land. it was very weird.

i also dreamt i was at a little gas station market with some old friends and i think J was there too. we were going to do some sight seeing and were trying to decide on snacks to take with us. i think we decided on generic junior mints but i really wanted these mini snickers bars. i idn't throw a fit or anything though. i was concerned that we didn't have anything salty to balance it all out.

we ended up sight seeing in some cave. it was dark and i was trying to figure out which setting on my camera was night vision. i used the camera i sold to J and i thought to myself how my own camera is so much better. i wasn't mad or upset with him or anything though. and A never showed up so it was less hostile than usual.

a few weeks ago i dreamt about a plane that was a snowglobe. you could see all the people in it and it was tipping over and flying all crazy so the "snow" was flowing all over the palce. i think all of the passengers were buddhist monks.

what could it all mean?

journal entry 289...

2006-10-08T15:42:00.000-06:00

i was folding laundry earlier and came across a shirt J gave to me a few months before we broke up. when he gave it to me i remember thinking this will be a momento. someday when we're no longer together i'll look back on moment. this shirt will remind me.

i guess there was always a part of me that knew it wouldn't last.

i've been dreaming of A a lot lately. last night i dreamt she was dating an old boyfriend, but it wasn't J. it was a different old boyfriend but i was stilll quite angry and hateful. the night before last i dreamt that i ran into her somewhere and she asked if she could borrow something, i can't remember what it was. i replied, no, because i hate you. i don't remember the rest of the dream.

the year of firsts is almost behind me. my second halloween alone is coming up. then my second thanksgiving, then christmas, then new years. on october 24th i'm putting this all behind me and moving on. it's going to be a much better year, i can feel it.

journal entry 288...

2006-09-29T15:45:00.000-06:00

i was just thinking: it's like this whole past year has just been an exercise to see if i'd survive. when i started it i wondered if i'd make it through to see how it all turned out.

every day i think to myself, well, i made it. only x number of days left until it's been an entire year. and i guess i'm also thinking that once my year is up i can get on with my life? it's like this has all been a recovery process and on october 24th i'll hand myself a diploma and say, "congratulations, broken ladder, you've completed your program and served your time. now go out there and start living again!"

it's not like i've been intentionally holding myself back or anything, but i think there is a part of me that's been like, i'm in pain. i've been hurt. i'm still broken. whatever i do at this moment is meaningless. only after this year passes will i feel like i'm really connected to myself again. if that makes any sense.

i don't really know what i mean actually.

i guess it's just that the anniversary is looming and i wonder what i have to show for it.

1) MA and i are friends again.
2) HI and i talk occasionally and although i still don't trust her or want her fully involved in my life, it is a relief to no longer actively avoid her.
3) the rest of them are still dead to me. i don't want them and they obviously don't want me. that too is a relief in it's own way. no more faking like i like people i actually despise. although i do sometimes miss the ones i didn't despise as much as the others.
4) babycat is dead. that's one thing i definitely didn't see coming.

journal entry 287...

2006-09-29T15:18:00.000-06:00

i remember when i used to check my horoscope religiously to see if there would be any change in the suckage of my life. now i hardly look at it at all.

i'm guessing that's a good thing and that i've passed the "acceptance" stage and am well into the "moving on" portion of my life. go me.

i think i'm going to go home and open a bottle of wine and read my runes for old time's sake though. besides, i've been feeling a bit scattered and blue lately so maybe they'll offer a bit of grounding or centering options for me.

i certainly feel better than i did a year ago, but not quite as good as i'd hoped. i've still got a month to go though so maybe a miracle will occur and i'll reach a state of bliss by dday.

then again, maybe i won't.

journal entry 286...

2006-09-15T18:13:00.000-06:00

one year is just around the corner. i feel different and the same.

this time last year i was sad and angry and frustrated but i had no idea how much worse it would get. at the time i thought what i was going through was the worst thing ever. and it was, until something worse happened.

i feel different: not as sad, not as angry, not as confused. but i feel the same too: disappointed that i don't believe anymore. angry that the people i thought were one way were another. sad that so much i once considered precious was wasted and lost.

sometimes i'm sad and long for the days when i was still innocent and felt like i had my whole life ahead of me. now i feel like i missed the train too many times over the years and wonder if i can ever catch up.

"i kept seeing things as a postponement of my life and then i realized, this is my llife."

who said that?