broken ladder...

journal entry 305...

2006-12-29T16:15:00.000-07:00

i remember being sad sad sad all the time time time.

now, not as much.

i haven't cried in at least two months. before the bad times started i didn't cry for years. still, i was sad a lot of that dry time too. i think i'm basically a melancholy person at heart and my usual state is slightly blue.

perhaps i function better this way - just slightly sad with no real hope that things will get any better, but not really disappointed about it. it is what it is. this is the life i lead and i accept it. if i don't wish for more i won't be disappointed.

it's cold and clear out. soot from passing cars makes it's way through the closed windows and worries me.

journal entry 304...

2006-12-19T17:25:00.000-07:00

i'm wearing one of those fussy t-shirts that say "writing well is the best revenge" and everytime i catch my reflection in the bathroom mirror or a conference room window i think to myself, and if one of them got hit by a car that would be pretty cool too.

i'd like to think i'm just kidding, but i have a feeling i'm not.

today's horoscope...

2006-12-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

DECEMBER 16th

Your Weekend: Your trouble is, you can't hang on to stuff. You let it all go. You put it behind you. Where some people nurture grudges for years, you are lucky if you can remember after a week why you were never going to speak to someone again. Within a month it is as if it all never happened. Some say this makes you eminently qualified for sainthood. Others say it makes you a bit of a mug. Who cares? This weekend is a great time to forget what you hate to remember.

hahaha. that is so far off the mark it's not even funny. if there's one fucking thing i can do, it's hold a grudge.

journal entry 303...

2006-12-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

it's weird how people and relationships drift in and out of our lives. like how there was a time when my best-friend was janelle steffy and i thought the world would end if we couldn't have recess together forever.

and in high school, when dave and beth fucked one another and i had to dump them both, how i thought i'd never ever get over it. i was frantic with anxiety and worry. how would i ever find another best-friend or boyfriend again?

then there are the people who mean the world to you but then they move away or you move away or one of you changes jobs and your social circles change and you see each other less and less until you forget about one another entirely.

some of them i haven't forgotten entirely though and i do wonder about them now and then. it's just so strange how someone could be such an important part of your daily life, like you see them every single day and think you always will, but then you don't and eventually you don't really even mind.

something to write with...

2006-12-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

as she lay quietly on her side gazing at his back she knew. she knew that someday the scatter of pale brown freckles across his shoulders would grow to annoy her. that someday they would no longer seem precious to her and would serve only as a painful reminder that they had been doomed from the beginning.

journal entry 302...

2006-12-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel like i'm just slightly outside myself, just barely disconnected, as if some other me is doing these things and making these decisions. i just sit back and watch what i'll do next and wonder how i'm going to get myself out of it.

other times i feel like i can remember being this me since i was a child. i remember carrying around the same fears and insecurities when i was eight years old.

***

i had my first "boyfriend" when i was in third or fourth grade. he was a kid i met at the roller rink and we held hands while we skated which is what qualified our relationship i suppose. we never saw each other outside the roller rink and i can't even remember exchanging words with him. i do remember that his name was julio and he was mexican so my dad teased me about it. "how's the beaner?" he'd ask, and i'd get all defensive and indignant because bigotry offended me even then.

come to think of it, my dad and i are both pretty much the exact same people now that we were back then in '78 or '79 or whenever it was. we're both a lot fatter now though.

***

so i've been working on this long list of resolutions for 2007. i'm usually really good at keeping them too. that's because i choose things i want to do, like "read more books", "make time for journaling", etc. it's easy to stick with something if it's something you like.

i've also toyed with the idea of becoming a vegetarian and i wouldn't hesitate except for the hassle it creates when eating out with other people. i don't want the pressure of being a bitch when the menu doesn't meet my dietary requirements. i'm an asshole that way. i'm a big talker in my head, but when confronted, i usually retreat or give in immediately. i'm a vegetarian...unless we're having steak for dinner. i'll eat whatever's put in front of me. obviously.

***

i've been feeling kind of guilty lately because i love my new cat so much. i feel like it's not fair to babycat that i've replaced her so easily. i wouldn't have replaced her if she hadn't croaked though. i mean, i'm supposed to move on, right?

i guess i just never expected to love another cat as much as i loved her and it appears that i do. good for the new cat though. and she is fantastic.

blah. i don't know why i'm blathering on. i guess i've just been feeling guilty for not writing more. i was so creative and diligent when i was miserable and now that i'm not (miserable), it's t.v. 24/7. i hate myself.

#8 write more poetry

that's a hard one to keep though.

journal entry 301...

2006-11-22T20:27:00.000-07:00

i remember one of my favorite thanksgivings. it was at gummy and it was a beautiful, clear day. warm and lovely too.

everyone was there, even people i didn't really like, but i was happy to see them. jonathan made this disgusting soup that everyone hated and i was too young and bitchy to not tell him. it was 2 in the afternoon and we were all drunk and starving anyway.

i always think of that one as my most favorite thanksgiving ever, but i'm not even sure what year it was. '93? '94? '95?

my second favorite thanksgiving ever was my first one out here. with lara. we shoplifted hundreds of dollars worth of food, beverage, and housewares from the store we worked at and we drank and cooked and invited lots of people over. it was lovely. also quite warm and beautiful. i guess that's the way it usually is out here at this time. i do miss the way it used to make me a lot happier though.

i do miss those days i loved, with my whole life ahead of me. before i even knew there were "kinds" of wine, and not just "red", "white", and "pink zin".

did everything turn out okay? am i good with the way things are? i think my 1993-1995 self is super disappointed. my old lady 2006 self is pretty content with it though.

(right now i am missing my 1993 self and the 1993 KI i was in love with. who knows what our 2006 selves would be now though. i'm sure id' be equally disappointed.)

i still love KI even though we're both totally different now. my 1993 me misses his 1993 him terribly.

terribly terribly.

journal entry 300...

2006-11-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

last night it was more dreams of husbands and wives and me having crushes. this time it was KI, though, and i was trying to seduce his wife and convince her that i was no threat. that it was her i was in love with. i don't remember if it was true or just and act to be with KI behind her back. i think i really loved her.

i also dreamt that rick springfield was on tour again and i saw him perform at some auditorium that seemed much too small for a star of his caliber. there weren't that many people there and i felt bad for him. at one point he looked directly at me (i think it was during jesse's girl) and i could tell he was quite sad and disappointed.

i remember when i was in fifth or sixth grade and i used to watch general hospital because i had a huge crush on him. i was only eleven or twelve so i think it was more paternal than sexual. i wanted a strong, successful, handsome dad like dr. noah drake.

i'm spending thanksgiving at the SPCA tomorrow, with the motherless kitties. i have much to be thankful for, so i am.

journal entry 299...

2006-11-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

last night i dreamt that i was sort of making out with the actor who plays josh lyman on the west wing. in the dream we really fancied each other but we were trying to keep it secret. we didn't want anyone to know. i'm not sure if this was because he was married to the actress who plays malcolm's mom in malcolm in the middle or what.

in the dream we were kind of "sneak" making out while a lot of people we knew were in the room. we kept pretending like we were asleep and had just accidentally rolled onto the other or brushed lips.

in the dream it all felt very, very real and i wondered what i was going to do about it and the wife situation and all of that.

he sort of reminded me of and old friend, BR, and then i got to work this morning and wondered if he wasn't meant to represent my boss, the one i sort of have a crush on, the one who has a wife. all day long though, i've been thinking about that dream and wondering what it meant and i just got back from the restroom where i passed a guy in the hall who i thought, "maybe it was him? maybe the actor who plays josh lyman on the west wing was supposed to represent this guy in my dream?" because i guess i kind of have a crush on him too, and he also has a wife.

all of these crushes are harmless and secret, mind you. no one knows about them and i'd never act on any of them because i have integrity and i respect other people's relationships and boundaries and i'm not the kind of girl who'd fuck someone over or stab them in the back just to get a guy.

maybe i used to be, a long, long time ago when i was still a girl and quite stupid. not anymore though. i'm all grown up now and dreadfully alone.

thank you integrity!

in other's words eighteen...

2006-11-21T17:06:00.000-07:00

Kindness in Guatemala - By Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window
forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes any sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out in the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

journal entry 298...

2006-11-19T15:13:00.000-07:00

maybe it's just the wine and the sliver of sunlight peeking beneath the blinds, but i feel a bit hopeful and optimistic at the moment. i feel like there is a chance, you know? this is a chance to start all over and do it better. to maybe get it right this time?

i don't know.

maybe it's the wine or maybe it's the sunlight or maybe it's leonard cohen in the background. whatever it is, i'm glad for it and i hope i'll remember it tomorrow.

"there is a crack, a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in..."

journal entry 297...

2006-11-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

one thing about getting older. i wonder if i like it or if i don't.

but anyway. one thing about getting older is that things happen and you have a history to compare it to. like when i was young things happened but the world revolved around me so i only had a reference of things that had happened to me and how they compared to other things that had happened to me.

now things happen and i think, "oh, i kinda remember that. i was twenty-whatever and this or that was happening."

obviously i have only the most mundane, the most boring things to share. or maybe i have more but i no longer trust this? i'm scared to say. things. because i'm stupid.

last night i dreamt i had moved to a new apartment and everything i owned was stolen as soon as i left. including my kitty. or maybe she just ran away in the mayhem. either way, i was heartbroken and cried and cried and cried. i went somewhere? i have no idea where it was supposed to be, but it was filthy and miserable and disgusting. filled with homeless drunks. maybe it was my subconscious "skidrow". anyway, i fell to the ground (a stinky, dirty sidewalk) and cried and writhed on the ground freaking out. my life was over. i just kept crying and thrashing and screaming "i wish i was dead. i just want to die now. i can't go on like this." and as i rolled on the ground i kept thinking how foul and disgusting the ground was and how i was certain to catch something, but i didn't care, i just wanted to die.

and then i woke up and i was so relieved that my cat was here and i was in my apartment and my stuff hadn't been stolen. nothing like a nightmare to make you grateful for the mundacity that is your life.

journal entry 296...

2006-11-10T18:22:00.000-07:00

clearly i'm a vindictive little bitch. i thought i was above it all, but apparently i'm not.

J has been looking at my other blog a lot more, recently. he looked at it on the anniversary of the backstabbing and then again on wednesday.

i haven't been looking at his blog at all. it has been months, but i finally looked today after seeing him comment on someone else's blog. i decided that since i was there i might as well catch up on what he's been doing in the past three months i haven't been paying any attention to him. on the anniversary he wrote one sentence about "being down" and a week later he wrote "i was tired of the best years of my life". it made me happy to know he's bummed. well, not really "happy", more like smug. it was like, "ha. that's what you get, asshole. now you're stuck with that dipshit and you're finally realizing how much you've lost."

i guess i kind of just feel vindicated, like i knew he'd regret it but then it seemed like he didn't and now that it seems like he does it's a relief.

A isn't one-tenth the woman that i am. and J isn't one-tenth the man i deserve. strangely however, i feel absolutely no desire to pursue that perfect man. for the past year i've become more and more of a recluse and i like it. i enjoy being home alone with my cat and a bottle of wine. having people in my life feels like an intrusion. maybe someday it will change, but for now i am quite content in my solitude.

anyway, i just wanted to say that. i'm not perfect, i'm the kind of person who takes comfort in another person's suffering. it's only J&A though, and they deserve it.

journal entry 295...

2006-11-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

i do still think about them but now it's only for fleeting moments and there's no regret, just disgust and irritation. i can usually dismiss the thoughts and put my mind on other things. lately, those other things have been KI and wondering if maybe he was my one true love. if it's possible that i could have found and lost the only real love of my life by the time i was 24. could it be possible? am i meant to be alone? to just remember what love and passion were like and find comfort in those memories when i'm lying in bed alone at night?

journal entry 294...

2006-10-27T20:06:00.000-06:00

hm. so i guess this is what passes for happiness these days?

it's dark out, but warm. i have a new cat and a lamp that casts elegant shadows on the hardwood floors. i have a bottle of red wine and i drink it from a crystal glass someone regifted to me. i feel wise but not older. or do i feel old and unwise? i am still surprised by mundane and horrible things. i do not believe in the inherent goodness of others. i wouldn't go that far.

i've been alone for a year now and i like it this way. i thought when it started it would be a phase. a period of healing and then i'd go back to the way i was before. now i think i was always like this and before i was playing a part. and not very successfully obviously.

i don't even know what i'm talking about.

don't believe people when they tell you merlot is delicious and sideways was full of shit. merlot is boring and it makes you write the kind of shit that matters to no one.

you know what i miss? zima. do they even make that anymore? don't answer.

journal entry 293...

2006-10-25T18:47:00.000-06:00

my life is busy and full again, and as weird and ridiculous as it sounds, i sometimes find myself feeling nostalgic and longing for this time last year when i was completely alone. sometimes i even miss the sorrow. i don't know why.

i remember when i took down all of their pictures and how final and lonesome it felt. i think i was in shock for a really long time. it never seemed real to me, you know? i always felt like i was outside of myself watching everything happen. even now i still feel somewhat removed from it all.

time passes so quickly. it went slow at first but now, looking back, it seems like such a long time ago. i don't even miss them anymore.

randomness 100...

2006-10-20T21:44:00.000-06:00

i remember when i first moved out here, for the first time. it was like i was "the new girl" at school so i was used to it, but it was still scary and uncomfortable like being "the new girl" always was.

we went to the gatehouse and pudley's and miyaki's a lot and it was all so new and exciting and it all seemed so huge and meaningful, like: "THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! YOU ARE A NEW PERSON, BROKEN LADDER, BEHOLD THE GLORY!!!"

it did change my life. it did. but it was such a whirlwind and i had so many expectations and i had no idea what to expect that so much of it happened while i was still in shock and stunned that i had ever left home to begin with. me. a midwestern girl. out here on the left coast. i loved everything but was afraid i didn't fit. that the others could see i was clumsy and uncultured and i wasn't even that pretty.

i remember going to a party at alec's. he was like 6 or 7 years older than the rest of us but he was fried. i knew right away he was weird but his family had money and they lived in this amazing home in the hills.

i tripped acid with him and he creeped me out and i don't remember how or where we slept but i remember waking up and not knowing where he was and not wanting to see him. i snuck out like a stoned person does: all paranoid and ridiculous and absolutely clueless. i had only been in town a few months so i barely even knew where i was, and i was rushing to get out of there before he remembered i was there.

i ended up grabbing my backpack and finding my bike and realizing that i was dying of thirst and was locked out of his house. i ended up getting into the pool area somehow and drinking chlorinated water from the pool. i was an idiot then and didn't really even consider it. i remember thinking, "people have peed in this pool, but it tastes like medicine." it was the pee i was concerned about.

anyway, i drank a bunch of chlorinated pee water and then rode my bike down the hill with barely an idea of where i was going. somehow i ended up on page mill? arastradero? el camino? i don't remember coz i didn't know the streets then but i remember that bear saw me and pulled over and offered me a ride and i was so happy and relieved because i was still dying of thirst but then a paul mccartney song came on the radio and she had to pull over to cry because she loved him so much.

i was annoyed but thankful that i was getting a ride. i just wanted it to be over sooner so i'd know where i was and could drink unchlorinated unpeeified water but i was patient. i've never really been a beatles person per se. (what the fuck does "per se" mean exactly, anyway?)

i want to say that i made it home and went to that market in menlo park and got a pint of chunky money and went home to our place on laurel, but i really don't remember what happened after bear pulled over to cry at paul mccartney.

i do know that i apparently made it home and lived to tell coz, well, i guess i'm tellin.

journal entry 292...

2006-10-20T18:41:00.000-06:00

at this time last year i was drunk and had been for two days.

i hadn't started this blog yet because i was holed up in my bed with a bottle of whiskey and a box of cabernet and i hadn't decided what i was going to do yet. i'd considered taking a bottle of tylenol pm but i wasn't sure it would actually work and i was afraid that if it did, babycat would starve and resort to eating my face off and i didn't want that for her. so i drank and wept and blubbered and watched "the suicide kings" and went back and forth between wishing i was dead and wishing J&A were.

this went on for several more days.

on monday i sobered up and went back to work, but i was like an egg someone had blown the insides out of: fragile, hollow, and broken. i wept silently at my desk and didn't speak to anyone. and then i started this blog. mostly i think, because i wanted to keep track of the lyrics of all the songs that kept making me strong and breaking my heart at the same time.

the first one i posted was november by azure ray. that song is still one of the most meaningful songs of my life. the lines so i'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin were on repeat in my brain for the first six months of this whole thing.

this is what i said in my first journal entry:

someday i will look back on this time and think it was a good thing. that i needed to clear out everything old and make room for the new to enter. the last year has been incredibly difficult. i've denied that to myself and stuffed the sorrow and pain down and tried to hide it away but i'm so full of sadness and grief that there's no more room inside me for anything else. i need to let some of this out to make room for something better.

someday came sooner than i expected. i thought it would take years to recover but it didn't. and i can honestly say that i am stronger and healthier and happier now than i had been for the year and a half leading up to "it". the people i had surrounded myself made me angry and hateful and miserable.

it was hard to lose them - to let go - but it was what i needed and i guess "the J&A incident" was really the only way it was ever going to happen. i'm relieved they're all out of my life and that time is behind me.

really though, nothing much has changed this past year except me. i feel okay, you know? where i was meek and destroyed before, i feel sturdy and able again. time passes. one grows.

i do miss babycat though.

friday poetry blogging - fifteenth edition...

2006-10-13T21:12:00.000-06:00

winter

pristine white snow
cowers
under bleak
grey sky

wicked fingers
reach hungrily
from sickly
branches

animals burrow
beneath them
anyway
undeterred
by the unwelcoming stretch
of dark shadows

wind blows
the sun
comes and goes

things falter
and grow
strong again

for everything
turn, turn, turn
there is a season
turn, turn, turn

and eventually
all seasons
turn to heaven

journal entry 291...

2006-10-13T20:38:00.000-06:00

the thing i always hated about winter was how much harsher and worse everything seemed. everything was so dry and brittle and desolate. i can remember my snot freezing my nostrils closed and shivering so hard my lower back would cramp up.

i hated winter back then. the midwest.

here it's so much milder. although i've still always dreaded the approach of winter. shorter days, longer nights, so much darkness. for some reason i'm not dreading it this year though. i'm kind of looking forward to the fog and the dreary days.

i was walking home from work today remembering this time last year and how i still didn't know what was waiting just around the corner for me but i was miserable anyway. i wanted things to change. i wanted a new life.

be careful what you wish for. i don't know how many times my mom has said that and i obviously didn't pay attention.

things are different now. better. i feel happier and stronger and more determined. i've got purpose and my self-worth is based on my own feelings, not how i perceive others feel about me.

but back to winter. i think it's a good sign that i'm willing to accept it. i used to dread it and fight and spend october through february wishing for spring. now i'm just thinking okay. it's right around the corner. the fog, the rain, the dark. it doesn't seem as dreadful though. it's just a season, just time. it passes. it'll pass whether i wish it away or not. this time i'm not gonna wish, i'm just gonna go with it.

i like myself better than i did. this year has been good for me. the solitude, the soul searching, the acceptance. what i used to believe in, what i thought was real wasn't. that was hard to accept but now that i have i feel empty and full at the same time. empty in a good way, not like before. now i am an empty vessel and i've made room for fulfillment. before i was empty from wanting.

time. it passes one way or another. i continue to age whether i grow up or not. it's my choice. and i've decided to grow.

journal entry 290...

2006-10-10T05:55:00.000-06:00

it seems like i dream mostly about planes, plane crashes, elephants, storms and raging oceans, and old, dilapidated houses.

last night i dreamt that i was on a runway and a plane flew over and landed on its head. i was surprised and worried but everybody got off safely. the flight attendant said it was actually more common than you'd expect. she said lots of planes fly upside down and then they can't get turned back over before they land. it was very weird.

i also dreamt i was at a little gas station market with some old friends and i think J was there too. we were going to do some sight seeing and were trying to decide on snacks to take with us. i think we decided on generic junior mints but i really wanted these mini snickers bars. i idn't throw a fit or anything though. i was concerned that we didn't have anything salty to balance it all out.

we ended up sight seeing in some cave. it was dark and i was trying to figure out which setting on my camera was night vision. i used the camera i sold to J and i thought to myself how my own camera is so much better. i wasn't mad or upset with him or anything though. and A never showed up so it was less hostile than usual.

a few weeks ago i dreamt about a plane that was a snowglobe. you could see all the people in it and it was tipping over and flying all crazy so the "snow" was flowing all over the palce. i think all of the passengers were buddhist monks.

what could it all mean?

journal entry 289...

2006-10-08T15:42:00.000-06:00

i was folding laundry earlier and came across a shirt J gave to me a few months before we broke up. when he gave it to me i remember thinking this will be a momento. someday when we're no longer together i'll look back on moment. this shirt will remind me.

i guess there was always a part of me that knew it wouldn't last.

i've been dreaming of A a lot lately. last night i dreamt she was dating an old boyfriend, but it wasn't J. it was a different old boyfriend but i was stilll quite angry and hateful. the night before last i dreamt that i ran into her somewhere and she asked if she could borrow something, i can't remember what it was. i replied, no, because i hate you. i don't remember the rest of the dream.

the year of firsts is almost behind me. my second halloween alone is coming up. then my second thanksgiving, then christmas, then new years. on october 24th i'm putting this all behind me and moving on. it's going to be a much better year, i can feel it.

journal entry 288...

2006-09-29T15:45:00.000-06:00

i was just thinking: it's like this whole past year has just been an exercise to see if i'd survive. when i started it i wondered if i'd make it through to see how it all turned out.

every day i think to myself, well, i made it. only x number of days left until it's been an entire year. and i guess i'm also thinking that once my year is up i can get on with my life? it's like this has all been a recovery process and on october 24th i'll hand myself a diploma and say, "congratulations, broken ladder, you've completed your program and served your time. now go out there and start living again!"

it's not like i've been intentionally holding myself back or anything, but i think there is a part of me that's been like, i'm in pain. i've been hurt. i'm still broken. whatever i do at this moment is meaningless. only after this year passes will i feel like i'm really connected to myself again. if that makes any sense.

i don't really know what i mean actually.

i guess it's just that the anniversary is looming and i wonder what i have to show for it.

1) MA and i are friends again.
2) HI and i talk occasionally and although i still don't trust her or want her fully involved in my life, it is a relief to no longer actively avoid her.
3) the rest of them are still dead to me. i don't want them and they obviously don't want me. that too is a relief in it's own way. no more faking like i like people i actually despise. although i do sometimes miss the ones i didn't despise as much as the others.
4) babycat is dead. that's one thing i definitely didn't see coming.

journal entry 287...

2006-09-29T15:18:00.000-06:00

i remember when i used to check my horoscope religiously to see if there would be any change in the suckage of my life. now i hardly look at it at all.

i'm guessing that's a good thing and that i've passed the "acceptance" stage and am well into the "moving on" portion of my life. go me.

i think i'm going to go home and open a bottle of wine and read my runes for old time's sake though. besides, i've been feeling a bit scattered and blue lately so maybe they'll offer a bit of grounding or centering options for me.

i certainly feel better than i did a year ago, but not quite as good as i'd hoped. i've still got a month to go though so maybe a miracle will occur and i'll reach a state of bliss by dday.

then again, maybe i won't.

journal entry 286...

2006-09-15T18:13:00.000-06:00

one year is just around the corner. i feel different and the same.

this time last year i was sad and angry and frustrated but i had no idea how much worse it would get. at the time i thought what i was going through was the worst thing ever. and it was, until something worse happened.

i feel different: not as sad, not as angry, not as confused. but i feel the same too: disappointed that i don't believe anymore. angry that the people i thought were one way were another. sad that so much i once considered precious was wasted and lost.

sometimes i'm sad and long for the days when i was still innocent and felt like i had my whole life ahead of me. now i feel like i missed the train too many times over the years and wonder if i can ever catch up.

"i kept seeing things as a postponement of my life and then i realized, this is my llife."

who said that?

journal entry 285...

2006-09-10T15:18:00.000-06:00

last night i had lots of nightmares that i can't remember. i do remember that i woke up from one and was afraid to go back to sleep and pick up where it left off.

i think i've been watching too much true crime tv. too much tv in general. i need to put down the remote and pick up a book. it's the free cable though. i just keep watching and watching because i know they're going to realize their error eventually and i won't have anything to watch anymore anyway. i could be doing the same thing ten years from now though so i should probably just stop it now before my brain melts entirely.

when woke up i'd been dreaming i was back at wfm but i kept trying to open the wrong register. i'd call people over to my line and when they'd get there i'd realize there was no money in it and i'd have to move again. this went on and on. i was looking forward to my break and having one of those mini cheesecakes from the bakery. i really wanted pistachio.

journal entry 284...

2006-09-08T21:54:00.000-06:00

lots of times i dream of cars going off course, or planes skimming oceans, or restrooms full of voyeurs when i'm at my most vulnerable.

last night i dreamt we were flying. well, almost.

at one point it was over and you (MY) and i were in a coffee shop eating muffins and there was someone else there (SP) who wore warm slippers. i said, "oh, like on virgin." you looked at me strange but i was talking about the slippers. i heard they give them out in first class.

but in the beginning, when we were flying (but not really), i was pissed. the pilot said, "everyone remember: as we enter the tunnel, lift up your feet and kick off. and don't forget to wave your hands in the air."

i was pissed because i thought, "we paid full price for these tickets, why do we have to push off? we paid for the tickets, they should do the hard stuff. we should get to just sit here."

but you plugged your ears and kicked off like you were riding a skateboard. you kicked and kicked and kicked.

we almost got going.

and then suddenly it was like a train and we were coming out of a tunnel or something. we were supposed to kick off to catch air before we crashed into everything. some people kicked off, some people cried, some people complained. and then the pilot said, "we're on the wrong runway. i'm sorry, you can quit kicking now. i'm gonna bring it to a stop and you can get off."

i was like, "hell yeah. i knew that shit was fucked up, and not just coz i'm lazy."

but then it switched again and i was in some kind of camp? the restroom or something? but the play was about to start and i couldn't find my pants. i was in the stall thinking, "why do i always do this? it's not even a dream anymore. now i just show up at places and forget where my pants are."

and then i thought, "oh, fuck it. i wanna see this show."

and i walked out half naked and woke up.

journal entry 283...

2006-09-03T12:12:00.000-06:00

or maybe it's that the memories are better than the actual experience and i'm filled with contentment and joy at remembering it the way it wasn't. remembering it better than it was.

journal entry 282...

2006-09-03T10:14:00.000-06:00

sometimes i'll hear a song and be filled with an overwhelming sense of contentment and joy. usually this is because the song reminds me of my youth or some good time i had back then. i remember old friends and old times and then, just as quickly as it came over me, the song ends and i'm back here, in my real life where i started.

i wonder, will i hear a song ten years from now and will it remind me of this time in my life? will i be filled with a sense of joy and contentment that i don't notice right now? i mean, i wasn't filled with it ten years ago was i? i don't remember being particularly happy or anything. i was just me.

i guess i have lots of good memories of doing random fun stuff with people. baseball games, parties, closing shifts, concerts, picnics, rudy's, rose 'n' crown, litticoates, miyaki's...lots of other things that don't even exist anymore.

"i'm nostalgic for stuff that happened five minutes ago."

yeah, me too, max, me too.

in other's words seventeen...

2006-09-01T21:54:00.000-06:00

"i know it's been a rough season for us this year. not lot of shots have fallen for us. in fact, not a single shot has fallen for us in 14 games. so i guess the question we have to ask ourselves is: are we going to let those 14 games determine the next one? because if we are, we may as well just go out there and shake hands with the other team and congratulate them on their victory.

i see some of you nodding your heads in agreement right now. by all means it's not altogether an absurd idea. the odds are that we're gonna lose no matter how we go about playing this game. so why do we play at all?

well team, i don't really have an answer for that question. and you know why? it's a stupid question. asked by a doubtful and unhappy man. forget his question. you've gotta just keep playing. because if you don't, you might end up like him. and let me tell you, he's no fun.

nobody knows what we're capable of, okay? the past does not always predict the future. now that team may have seen us play before, but they haven't seen us play today. am i right? alright." - lonesome jim

journal entry 281...

2006-09-01T21:02:00.000-06:00

i am different you know. it's not like this year hasn't changed me. there was a time when i believed in something but now i know better.

remember the tinman - lyrics by tracy chapman

2006-09-01T20:47:00.000-06:00

there are locks on the doors
and chains stretched across
all the entries to the inside
there's a gate and a fence
and bars to protect
from only god knows what lurks outside
who stole your heart
left you with a space
that no one and nothing can fill
who stole your heart
who took it away
knowing that without it you can't live

who took away the part
so essential to the whole
left you a hollow body
skin and bone
what robber
what thief
who stole your heart
and the key

who stole your heart
the smile from your face
the innocence the light from your eyes
who stole your heart
or did you give it away
and if so then when and why
who took away the part
so essential to the whole
left you a hollow body
skin and bone
what robber
what thief
who stole your heart
and the key

now all sentiment
is gone
now you have no trust in no one

who stole your heart
did you know but forget
the method and moment in time
was it a trickster
using mirrors and sleight of hand
a strong elixir or a potion that you drank
who hurt your heart
bruised it in a place
that no one and nothing can heal

you've gone to wizards,
princes and magic men
you've gone to witches,
the good the bad the indifferent
but still all sentiment is gone
but still you have no trust in no one

if you can tear down the walls
throw your armor away
remove all roadblocks barricades
if you can forget there are bandits
and dragons to slay
and don't forget that you defend an empty space
and remember the tinman
found he had what he thought he lacked
remember the tinman
go find your hear and take it back

who stole your heart
maybe no one can say
one day you will find it i pray

journal entry 280...

2006-08-27T08:54:00.000-06:00

apparently J&A are moving in together and i don't even care. as far as i'm concerned it couldn't happen to two more deserving people.

they've probably got these grand ideas of how fun and exciting it will be to play house but i know that living together is when it all really starts to suck. a lifetime of bickering and disappointment awaits them and i laugh at that. ha!

i was also thinking, the truth of the matter is that i was the love of J's life and i left him a long time ago and he was so desperate to not be alone that he went with the first person who showed any interest in him. and she's a fucking idiot. it has hurt me all these months because i felt abandoned and rejected and betrayed and disrespected, but the truth of the matter is that those two jackholes are slumming because that's what losers do. they settle for the first thing to come along because they don't think they'll ever find anything better.

i'm not a loser. i won't settle. i'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't stimulate me mentally and emotionally. i believe in myself and i know that i deserve love and passion and respect and that i will find it when i'm ready.

HI and i met for drinks last week. i had never intended to speak with her ever again, but after babycat passed away, she sent me a sweet condolence email and suggested we get together and i was weak and emotional so i agreed. it was okay though. we caught up and laughed a lot and it was nice to see her. we never mentioned J&A or really any of the other people except DA&JA and their breakup. apparently JA is in a bad way etc. etc.

it was fine. as we were leaving i was thinking, "okay, that's the end of that." but as HI was lighting her cigarette she said, "it was good to see you. we should make a habit of it." i was like, "sure." but i don't know what i really think about that.

MA was the one who told me about J&A moving in together. apparently they sent out an email inviting "everyone" to see their "cool new crib". and i barf at that. i'm really glad he's not going to be across the street from me anymore though.

it actually didn't upset me at all. i was just like, "whatever. it figures." i guess i kind of felt okay also because KE and then MA had both told me how they never really liked A and how lame and stupid she is etc. etc. it made me feel good to know that i wasn't the only one and that other people do realize A is kind of an idiot - that she rarely knows what she's talking about.

it made me feel good because if they both know it then others must know it as well, including J. as a matter of fact, i know he knows it coz i remember the two of us discussing it before, after a night of drinking with all of them. he knows she sucks, he knows he's settling, and he knows it's because i wouldn't have him. suck on that motherfucker.

i've been looking at it the wrong way this whole time. i've been feeling brokenhearted and i should've just accepted it and moved on and forgotten about it. that's where i am now though, so that's that. i'm in a good space and i'm moving in a good direction. the best is yet to come.

and for J&A it's just the opposite. hahaha!

(i know, i'm immature and spiteful. what can i say? misery loves company...)

soon you will be leaving your man - lyrics by bright eyes

2006-08-26T17:04:00.000-06:00

he always gets so mad
at things you laugh at
"don't get so worked up." you'd say
but on the back deck
you admit that
you haven't felt much like laughing lately anyway.
and then i say,
"well, that could change."

i noticed how you waste no time
making your way
across the room.
you leave a wake of tongues
still waving
after you

it isn't no coincidence
where you finally choose to stand
i know soon
soon you'll be leaving
your man

well it's a sweet smile
and then a denial
hey, you're just trying to be nice
but there's a meaning
to every fleeting
action you unconsciously decide
and the clocks they chime
and now it's time

i know you try to play it cool
but there are some thoughts
you just can't hide
only in your
closest friends
would you confide

the way you say
you'll be seeing me, oh like it's so offhand
i guess soon
soon you will be leaving your man

you look at me so boldly now. you have no lack
of confidence
it's just those lessons on sublety
you missed
i know you dream of saving me
like i'm some plane
that you could land
but when you fly
you'll be leaving your man

you will. you? will. - lyrics by bright eyes

2006-08-26T16:54:00.000-06:00

you say that i treat you like a book on a shelf
i don't take you out that often
cause i know that i completed you
and that's why you are here
that's the reason you stay here
how awful that must feel

you said you would be my dream
i could have you every night
and if, by morning, i had forgotten you, well, no big deal, that'd be all right
cause you are the reoccurring kind
you are the reoccurring kind
you never really leave my mind

are you the love of my lifetime? cause there's been times i've had my doubts
we were just kids when i first kissed you in the attic of my parents house
and i wish we were there now
it took so long to figure out
what this book has been about

now i write when i'm away
letters that you'll never read
you said go to explore those other women
the geography of their bodies but there's just one map you'll need
you're a boomerang you'll see
you will return to me

you will. you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will.
you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will. you? will.

cause if you don't, then this book's all lies
if you don't, then my plans would be all ruined
if you don't, I'll start drinking like the way i drank before
and i just wont have a future anymore

journal entry 279...

2006-08-21T06:55:00.000-06:00

i don't know why i've been thinking about J&A so much lately. it's annoying though. i wish i could just erase them from my mind entirely. it's boring and old.

last night i had this weird dream that they were in. A looked really pretty (not like she does in real life) and was being really nice to me. i was waiting in line for some water slide ride or something and J was waiting beside me. i asked A to go away so i could talk to J in private and she was happy to oblige. i was pissed that she seemed so confident and secure.

J didn't look like himself either. he was really ugly and he had really bad, painful looking acne. he didn't seem at all comfortable to be alone with me and he kept looking back to see where A was. i was trying to talk to him and was pissed that he seemed so preoccupied with where and what A was doing. i started yelling at him and told him how fucked he was and what a backstabber and terrible friend he was blah, blah, blah. he said something that bored and annoyed me so i just walked away. i was really pissed that he didn't seem to care about me at all.

i think that's my problem - i'm pissed and hurt that they're still together, happily obviously, and he doesn't care about me or what he did at all. it's like our whole relationship was bullshit. a lie. he probably says all the same stuff to her that he said to me. he lies and i still hate them both.

i wish i could just forget them both.

also: john mayer looks exactly like he did five years ago. he should really think about brushing his hair.

too happy - lyrics by edith frost

2006-08-18T20:05:00.000-06:00

oh i imagine
i’ve broken a couple of hearts
sure i’ve had moments
sudden feelin’ hit me too hard

i don’t wanna be bitter anymore
wanna let the sunshine in my door
i don’t wanna be too happy
just enough to keep me goin’

cause it won’t feel like home
without something to hold me back
without something to pull behind me
no it won’t be the same
without a reason to say goodbye
without a reason to cry

i’ve clung to the anchor
when they tried to be my rescue
and i’ve taken the wrong turn on occasion
i could see the thing come crashin’ down
there was nothin’ left there anyhow
i don’t wanna be too happy
just enough to tide me over

cause it won’t feel like home
without something to hold me back
without something to pull behind me
no it won’t be the same
without a reason to say goodbye
without a reason to cry

journal entry 278...

2006-08-16T06:45:00.000-06:00

i keep having these dreams about my soulmate.

they are generally happy and satisfying but when i wake up i can't remember or even visualize who the soulmate was.

the dreams seem so realistic that i feel like i've looked into the future so it's frustrating when i can't remember what or who i saw.

i woke up from one of these soulmate dreams around 4 o'clock this morning and immediately lost all sense of it. i tried to fall back to sleep quickly to recapture it but i wasn't successful. in the follow-up dream, ben stiller was my boyfriend and we were both working in a pet store getting ready for school to start in a few weeks. i was happy in the dream but i knew he wasn't my soulmate. i was just killing time until someone better came along. i think he was too.

journal entry 277...

2006-08-15T18:51:00.000-06:00

i keep thinking about how we can never go back. how things change and we grow and move on.

i've been wanting to go back a lot lately, though. back to the summer of '93 when i was madly in love with KI and he was madly in love with me and we were busy wasting our lives away. i think i wept more in that one summer than i have in the whole rest of my life. i was also happier that one summer than i ever have been in the whole rest of my life.

i'm sure i make it out to be more than it really was though. my memory has a way of tinting the edges of my past with angels and gold. i think the past year will always be tinted with grime and mold though. i'll be happy when the anniversary of the betrayal passes and i never have to think about it again. it's almost been a full year and i'm still filled with hate and loathing for the two fuckheads of the decade.

this is also the year that babycat died. as BE says, she marked the end of an era. "the best years of your life are behind you," he says. i laugh, but he's right. maybe that's why i've been wanting to go back so much lately.

i remember when i lived in the "flophouse" on webster and i hungout with KR and CR a lot. those were some really good times. rudy's and rose 'n crown. the nuthouse. watercourse way. all the drugs and partying. i saw and did everything that year. then our dealer OD'd and we started getting our shit together.

i was just getting started and the future seemed so bright and open to me. i really believed i could do anything if i set my mind to it. i was wrong. or maybe i just didn't really set my mind to it?

ah, well. it's too late now.

what cruel irony it will be if i'm sitting here ten years from now looking back on this time as one of the best in my life and wishing i'd taken better notice of it. why can't anything ever just be easy?

journal entry 276...

2006-08-07T13:16:00.000-06:00

sometimes, out of nowhere, i'll think of someone i haven't thought of in years. decades even.

just now it was jonah. i think he worked in the deli? and did he date janine before chris got her pregnant?

so weird. i totally didn't know him well at all but i suddenly just thought of him and wondered what he was up to. if someone were to tell me i'd say, "hmm. well good for him, i suppose," and nod my head casually then promptly forget about him for another decade or something.

it's weird how the mind and memory work.

journal entry 275...

2006-08-01T06:01:00.000-06:00

last night i dreamt there were these two fat old cats and i had to get them put to sleep. one was white with grey spots and the other was orange. also, there was a bird in the house just walking around all casual.

i asked the lady, "are you sure i have to do it? i mean, i just had to have my own cat put to sleep last week and it was very sad and traumatizing." she said if i wanted to keep my job i'd get that shit done. the cats knew something was up and i had a hard time catching them.

then the dream suddenly changed and i was in the bathroom in my apartment and apparently the building manager had been in and cleaned and repainted it. i was kind of happy because it looked good and was super clean and disinfected, but i was annoyed that he hadn't given me 24 hours notice. it was like he was spying on me and waited until i left for work then just made himself at home.

it's weird how i can still miss babycat so much when i have another new cat to love and distract me.

she's so sweet and cute and she makes me happy, but i still think about babycat and how sick she was at the end. how sad it was and how difficult to let her go.

it cost $266 to kill my cat and that just really bothers me. it seems so unfair that you have to pay to make yourself miserable.

my new kitty, junior, is precious though. she's sweet and happy and good. she reminds me of babycat when babycat was a baby. i can tell she really loves me too, and i love her back.

my dad and stepmom will be here a week from today. it's exciting but stressful. i'm really looking forward to it, but i'll be glad when it's over too. i always feel so anxious and worried when i have to entertain. what if they think i'm boring? what if they want to go home and wish they'd never come? i hope the weather is nice.

it would be weird if i could ever just be happy about something and accept it. i always have to make mountains of mole hills; shit from apple butter.

journal entry 274...

2006-07-31T05:44:00.000-06:00

last night i dreamt i was a detective or something and i was searching for a murderer who killed women at dance clubs. i found pot in one of the jackets i searched and i kept it. i felt guilty but i did it anyway. then the dream switched and i was walking down the street and ran into BE and ME and i told ME about babycat passing away. he seemed surprised but not too upset.

poor babycat.

i got a new kitty and she's really sweet. i got her from the pound and she seems really happy to have a home. she's really sweet and affectionate, like babycat was when she was a baby babycat. the new kitty looks like her too. she's a year old but she's still really playful and ornery like a kitten. i love her. she's made the loss of my beloved babycat much easier to bear.

everyone has been really sweet.

i thought people would think i was a freak for being so upset about a cat. i expected them to feel bad for me but to be like, "it was just a cat, not your mom or anything, so get over it." they haven't though. several people cried with me and they've sent cards and flowers and emails. CA was really upset and bawled on my answering machine. surprisingly, it was actually comforting to know she was as upset about it as me. she came up to stay with me over the weekend to meet my new babycat. my mini babycat. babycat junior.

i don't know how i'd have survived this loss without her.

HI, from my old circle, contacted me to say she was sorry about the loss too. i thought that was sweet. it kind of spurred a reconnect and we're going to meet for a drink in a couple of weeks. it's probably a bad idea, but i was emotionally distraught and didn't know what i was doing and i was just so happy for the sympathy over losing babycat.

i know J&A are still together but i'm starting to care less and less. i still hate them and they make me sick, but it's easier to put them out of my mind. i know HI is still friends with them so if she brings them up i'm just going to say "that's the past, ancient history. i don't want to think or care about them anymore."

and i don't.

it's been almost a year. i keep thinking of when i first started this journal and how devastated i was and how hurt. wondering where i'd be and how i'd feel a year from then. i didn't think i'd ever get over it or survive it. i was so depressed i thought i'd give myself cancer or something from rage and misery. who knows, i might have. i don't have any symptoms yet though, so that's good i suppose.

i guess when i really think about it it does still hurt, but i think of it less and less and the pain is now just a dull blob in the pit of my stomach. it's no longer the incessant squeezing pressure on my heart or painful lump in my throat. i'm getting better. i'm getting over it. i'm moving on.

and it's still july. i've still got two and a half more months to make a full recovery. i'm really going to make the effort.

journal entry 273...

2006-07-23T21:34:00.000-06:00

i had to put babycat to sleep today and i'm really, really sad about it. she was an awesome cat and i loved her very much. i miss her so much already.

i cried on the bus on the way home and the lady next to me gave me a kleenex that smelled like whoppers. she was very kind and the woman across from me touched my knee as she was getting off and said "take care of yourself."

they both saw the empty carrier and figured out what had happened. i said it outloud anyway and then i cried some more.

"i just put my cat to sleep," i said.

they both nodded and we all looked back at our laps.

randomness ninety-nine...

2006-07-21T19:46:00.000-06:00

i just heard a siren, like a cop car or ambulance coming down the street, and then a bullhorn saying something i couldn't really make out. it was either "do not be alarmed" or "run for your lives" and i honestly don't know which.

i muted the television but they didn't repeat it a third time.

it's been a few minutes now and nothing's happened so i guess it was the former.

journal entry 272...

2006-07-19T05:55:00.000-06:00

i can't remember my dreams last night but i know that one involved rejection of some sort and i woke up kind of sad.

for the most part, things have been going well but i'm PMSing so i've been a little bit blue. i hate the emotional extremes that accompany womanhood.

i haven't been nearly as obsessed with J&A as i was before. i just made a promise to myself after that drunken poetry outburst that i'd stop reading his blog entirely and that i'd quit visiting their myspace profiles. i've been true to my word and it really has made a difference. when i don't pay attention to what they're doing i don't get pissed off or sad. i know they're still together and it bugs me but when i don't think about it or keep tabs on what they're doing, it starts to matter to me less and less.

that said, i was looking at flickr this morning and one of our "mutual friends" posted some recent pictures that J&A were in. my heart didn't sink and my belly didn't flop like it used to when i'd see them together. actually, my very first thought was "wow, they both look like shit. he looks fat and greasy and her new haircut is really unflattering." she's a lot uglier than i remember.

so there you have it: i'm happier because i've stopped internet stalking them and because they look like shit and i don't.

i'm still not very evolved, obviously. wars are going on, bombs are being dropped, innocent people are being killed everyday, and i'm pleased because someone who hurt me looks like shit.

it's the little things, i suppose...

journal entry 271...

2006-07-11T06:25:00.000-06:00

last night i had a bunch of dreams i can't remember.

the only bit i remember is from right before my alarm went off. there were a bunch of us in this little shed that was a "tornado simulator" and we were all waiting for it to work so we'd know what to prepare for. except it didn't really work and the shed barely shook or moved at all. the"harsh wind" barely amounted to a gentle breeze and we all gave the simulator operator shit for it.

we were disappointed that it wasn't more realistic but i was secretly relieved because i was actually quite scared going into it. that didn't keep me from going along with everyone else and giving the operator dude grief over its failure.

i'm trying to get back into my "positive positivity" routine because i've been kind of bitter and bitchy lately. mostly the routine consists of doing a few breathing exercises and whenever J&A or any of those assholes from my old life find their way into my thoughts i just think to myself, "oh who cares?" and let it go.

so far it's working pretty well. i have felt a bit calmer and less hostile which is a relief. it's exhausting being pissed off all the time. "ms. furious". that's been me for the past few months. i'm easily enraged but i do nothing about it to blow off steam so it just builds and aggravates and frustrates. the breathing and letting it go help a lot.

also i've been paying less attention to current events. reading the paper just upsets and depresses me so i've cut back considerably. i'll be so glad when king george's reign of terror is over and we can get on with repairing all the damage he's done.

i've been thinking about getting back in the dating ring. it's been a very long time and i miss the companionship. i want a best-friend, someone to share thoughts and experiences with. i figure i'll post an ad or answer an ad or start going out more after dad's visit. that gives me a month to prepare myself. i think i can do it.

last night i fell asleep before it was even dark out. i was exhausted though. it's like one night i have insomnia and the next night i pass out at 7:30. as long as i'm catching up on the sleep i miss i guess it's all good.

so. this is a boring ass entry. i guess that's what happens when you try to be all zen and shit.

journal entry 270...

2006-07-10T05:42:00.000-06:00

last night i dreamt of a dead girl.

i didn't know she was dead at the time but everyone else did.

it was one of those dreams where stuff just happens and it's out of order and wouldn't make any sense in real life but makes perfect sense in the dream.

i was back in college only i was working there instead of going to school. i was annoyed because i was helping some kid who was spoiled and rich and reeked of entitlement and was rude to me because i wasn't. the bell rang and it was lunchtime so i decided to go home instead of staying on campus.

before i left i got a call from my roommate who told me he'd been feeling a "weird and hostile vibe in the house". i was all "uhm, okay. thanks for sharing, freak."

i went home anyway, thinking he'd be there but he wasn't. i didn't feel any "weird or hostile vibe" so i went about my business and then this girl walked in. she was in her early twenties and although i didn't know her personally, i knew of her and it seemed she was our roommate who came and went a lot which is why i hadn't run into her yet.

she was kind of peeved and pissed off and was packing her bags. i asked her what was wrong and if she was moving out. she said she was just sick of the town and all the small minded people and that she needed to get away for awhile. i asked her if she wanted to talk about it first or if she wanted to lie down. i was going to take a nap before heading back to campus and i told her she could lay down with me if she wanted so she did.

we were lying there and i was falling asleep. i can't remember if she spooned me or i spooned her, but somehow we were spooning and i was thinking how i felt this deep connection to her, like maybe i was in love or something. she was chubby and frizzy haired and not conventionally pretty but there was something about her that i was drawn to. she felt safe but exciting at the same time and i knew it was love.

the next thing i knew i was alone in my bed and she had gone. i was telling my mom about her and how i wished i'd gotten to know her better while she'd lived there. my mom was all "wha? what girl are you talking about?" and i was all "the girl who lived here, dipshit. duh!" and she said -dunt-dunt-duh- "no one lives here besides you and BE." then we did a bit of that arguing they do in movies when one person is coming to realize that they had talked to and touched a ghost. i totally freaked out.

it seemed that the girl had lived in the neighborhood recently and had been hit by a car or something. it was determined that she had been very angry about it and that must've been the "weird and hostile vibe" BE had mentioned although she seemed sweet and funny (albeit annoyed) to me.

the part that tripped me out most in the dream wasn't that i'd napped with a ghost, but that everyone believed me. if they hadn't already seen her personally, they'd heard of her and knew the story and totally believed that i'd seen her and fallen in love. with a ghost.

i woke up at this point and was really fascinated with the dream and bummed it was over but when you gotta pee, you gotta pee.

(i might have dreamed this part before i woke up to pee but i'm going to put it here because it seems more romantic that i would fall back to sleep and find her again.)

so i fell back to sleep and she reappeared to me and kind of explained her story which i can't remember now. i told her i didn't want her to leave again but she said she had to.

the next thing i know i'm in a wedding with a bunch of people who are all dressed up and my ghost girl is taunting the couple getting married and the preacher because she's pissed that gay marriage is illegal. not everyone in the wedding party can see her, but a few of us can and we start chanting and taunting too and it's really fun and funny and no one seems too pissed off or anything. it was more like a practical joke or something when the person realizes they've been punk'd or whatever and they kind of laugh to finally be in on the joke.

i was really proud of the ghost girl and i really wanted to be with her but i looked for her in the crowd and she'd disappeared. i looked around the park and saw her standing beneath this lush and lovely maple tree and she said goodbye. it was as if her work was done there and she just kind of disappeared. i was sad but it somehow all made sense. except the part where everyone else could see her too and they all believed me and everything. that was weird and totally tripped me out.

so anyway, i don't know why i'm so fascinated and moved by that dream but i am and i was. now i need to feed babycat.

journal entry 269...

2006-07-08T18:26:00.000-06:00

you'll have to forgive me. i was drunk when i wrote that.

friday poetry blogging - fourteenth edition...

2006-07-07T20:18:00.000-06:00

(long time comin')

when i remember how
what used to matter
mattered
but i don't remember you
anymore

or who i remember you as
waht? i remember?

what matters again?

everything you said
has different connotations
now

my response
lost in pillow talk

like what is done
is gone

what is gone
is done

'dead and stinkin''
like my mama says

did i ever know you?
do you even remember me?

what were we even talking
about?

you had the worst taste in books.
and movies.
and women obviously.

ha
but i'm just playin'
with you

motherfucker

coz i remember
clearly

not a day goes by
i don't think of you

motherfucker

'i hope it hurts'
that's what i think

regularly

it's mean
but i mean it

you were never good enough
for me
and it pisses me off
that i didn't realize it then

when you did

coz you don't care
anymore
and i do

journal entry 268...

2006-07-03T07:48:00.000-06:00

it was another night of lots and lots of dreams.

in one i was the new girl in grade school again but i was an adult. no one seemed to notice or think it was weird. i had this big duffle bag of crap and was looking for a locker to put it in but they were all really tiny and it wouldn't fit.

in another dream, i was tilling some ground to plant a little herb garden. my mom and dad were there and i thought they'd be excited and be proud of me for being so industrious but they didn't care. they were both bored with me and preoccupied with their own thoughts or whatever. i was kind of disappointed but i planted my seeds anyway. my parents' vegetable garden was fantastic and filled with lush, beautiful fruits and vegetables. the tomatoes were warm from the sun.

in another one i was at the grocery store looking for a gingerbread man. i was craving gingerbread cookies and i wanted one from the bakery that was kind of big with cute decorations made of frosting. there was a pile of cookies but they were trees and balls and i finally found a gingerbread man at the very bottom. i was really excited and paid for him and went outside to eat him. when i got to the car and opened the bag he'd turned into a gingerbread man rug and wasn't edible. i was bummed and now i'm craving fresh gingerbread cookies.

i have a lot to say but i'm feeling fragile and i don't want to stir up any emotions so i'm just going to push them down. i'm feeling bitter and disappointed again with how my old "friends" so willingly let me go without a care or concern for my well being. i know there's nothing i can do now, but i wish i hadn't wasted so much time with them. i wish i'd left the group sooner or was never part of it in the first place.

KE is coming over tonight. i haven't seen her since right before everything went down in october. i love her, but i know she's still friends with all of them and in a way, i know that she's the kind of person who would fuck her best-friend's boyfriend. it seems like there are more people who would than wouldn't though. it's kind of depressing.

i'm not going to be depressed today. i'm going to go take a shower now and wash this dread and disappointment off of me.

journal entry 267...

2006-06-30T05:51:00.000-06:00

i'm so glad it's friday and i can sleep in tomorrow.

it's a long holiday weekend too so i can sleep in until wednesday. hopefully by then i'll be recovered and rested up so that i'm not a zombie when i wake up.

like i am right now.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

my eyes keep glazing over and i just want to go back to sleep. i'm trying to get back in the habit though so i have to keep going through the motions until it's second nature again. i should've waited to start this routine until the week after next since the long weekend is going to throw my schedule off anyway.

how much time am i going to waste writing about how tired i am?

last night i had lots of dreams that i can't remember. the one i can remember though involved J. i was pissed because we were roommates or something and he was sleeping in my bed and babycat was in there with him and i was forced onto the couch. i don't remember all the details but i was pissed that he was in my bed and i wasn't and i was hurt that babycat slept with him and not me.

i have a new pact with myself: no more looking at J's blog or myspace profile and whenever he or A enter my mind i immediately expel them and think of something or someone else. i have to stop feeding the habit and just put the whole thing behind me.

it's done. it can't be undone. there's no going back.

i don't actually care anyway. i only keep looking because i hope to learn that they're miserable and sad and that they regret everything. i don't think he'll ever publicize that though so...besides, he's a lame writer and his posts are uber boring anyway.

so that's that. seriously. no more looking or thinking about it and by august i think i'll be fully healed and moved on. it's almost been a year anyway. it's taking me long enough.

also? i hate them.

anyhoo. this is what you get when a zombie writes. did i mention that i'm so glad i get to sleep in tomorrow?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

18 wheeler - lyrics by pink

2006-06-29T09:12:00.000-06:00

can't keep me down
can't keep me down, down
can't keep me down
i say you can't keep me down
no you can't keep me down
i say you can't keep me down

hey hey man, what's your problem
i see you try to hurt me bad
don't know what you're up against
maybe you should reconsider
come up with another plan
'cause you know i'm not that kind of girl
that'll lay there and let you come first

you can push me out the window
i'll just get back up
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
and i won't give a f***
you can hang me like a slave
i'll go underground
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
you can't keep me down

can't keep me down, down
can't keep me down, down, down

hey hey girl, are you ready for today
you got your shield and sword
'cause it's time to play the games
you are beautiful even though you're not for sure
don't let him pull you by the skirt
you're gonna get your feelings hurt

you can push me out the window
i'll just get back up
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
and i won't give a f***
you can hang me like a slave
i'll go underground
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
you can't keep me down

you can push me out the window
i'll just get back up
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
and i won't give a f***
you can hang me like a slave
i'll go underground
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
you can't keep me down down down

everywhere that i go
there's someone waiting to change me
everything that i say
there's someone trying to short change me
i am only this way
because of what you have made me
and i'm not gonna break

you can push me out the window
i'll just get back up
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
and i won't give a f***
you can hang me like a slave
i'll go underground
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
you can't keep me down

you can push me out the window
i'll just get back up
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
and i won't give a f***
you can hang me like a slave
i'll go underground
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
you can't keep me down...

journal entry 266...

2006-06-29T05:56:00.000-06:00

i'm not sure why i had that little J&A outburst last night. i guess it was the pressure of holding it all inside for so long and acting like i don't care when obviously i still have a lot of resentment and anger around the whole thing.

i haven't been as obsessed with them lately, but his updated myspace profile set me off. he hates kids and has never wanted them and his profile used to reflect that, but now it says "undecided" which just really bugs me because it shows what a spineless motherfucker he is. A has always been about having a "traditional" life: marriage, kids, etc. and obviously J is giving in to that whether he believes in it or not. he's such a weak, mindless jackass. it's really pathetic and infuriating.

but.

it's really none of my business anymore and i need to chill the fuck out and get the fuck over it.

yes, i was and am still hurt by their betrayal but what's done is done and there's no going back. i wouldn't want to go back anyway. i have been considerably happier without any of them in my life and i've felt better about the direction my life is moving. i'm doing well and i'm getting things sorted out and i'm growing and progressing as a person. when i was back in that situation last year, i was miserable all the way around. i'm 100% happier and more hopeful about the future than i was then so i need to focus on that and let the rest go.

fuck them all, i'm moving on without them.

it's weird waking up to the alarm clock. it really distracts me and messes up my ability to remember what i was dreaming about. the only thing i can remember is that i was relieved it was just a dream and not my real life. something about being an usher at a theatre or something and not having enough seats for everyone. stress. anger. anxiety.

i wonder what it could possibly stem from. ha.

journal entry 265...

2006-06-28T20:22:00.000-06:00

J is such a lying, hypocritical, disgusting, phony mother fucker.

the only reason he was half way decent was because of me. i brought out the best in him and educated him and made him aware of the world arond him and his responsibility in it. now that he's with A he has reverted back to a moronic asshole. they're both so fucking stupid. he makes me fucking SICK! god! i hate him! what the fuck i ever saw in him is beyond me. i was faking myself out, trying to make myself believe we were good together when all along i was just settling. he is and always has been a dumbfuck. selfish and shallow and stupid. both of them.

sicksicksicksicksick mother fucking fuckhead. i hate them both so much. fucking assholes!

journal entry 264...

2006-06-28T05:55:00.000-06:00

i think i haven't been getting enough sleep lately.

i've been really busy and things have been a bit hectic the past few months so i either get home later than i intend or i'm too amped when i get home to fall right to sleep. we've got a long weekend coming up though, so i'm going to try and make sleeping a priority. (the life of a rockstar i tell ya!!!!)

i've been forgetting my dreams right away too. i think that's from lack of sleep as well. when i wake up on my own i can remember but the alarm has been startling me out of sleep and i immediately forget.

god. i'm so out of practice with writing that i totally suck. i don't have anything of interest to say. it's just more blah, blah, blah, complain, whine, whine.

i will not give up!

this is exercise. i'm practicing and getting back in the habit. it will come to me.

i haven't been reallly, really sad in awhile. i remember when i'd cry and cry at work or on my walk home. how i'd listen to the same song over and over to work myself into a frenzy and then i'd just bawl and bawl until i scared babycat. now i'm back to normal: jut kind of dull and numb and not too much of anything either way. i'm not sure if i'm happy or perplexed about it.

some old friends got married and i'm trying to make a cd mix for them. it's kind of weird coz i've always known them just as "best-friends" and they've always dated other people and just been friends and roommates. i fooled around with CR a lot in my younger days and i had a bit of a crush on JE when i first moved out here so it's weird that they're a couple now. married. mr. and mrs. CR.

anyway, i don't know what kind of music they like these days so i'm just making a mix of my favorite love songs and thinking it's weird how they'll listen to it and maybe make love to it and it's just so weird because i've always seen them like brother and sister.

that goes to show what i know.

we used to be friends - lyrics by the dandy warhols

2006-06-27T16:59:00.000-06:00

a long time ago
we used to be friends
but i haven't thought of you lately at all
if ever again
a greeting i send to you
short and sweet to the soul i intend

ah ah ah ah

come on now honey
bring it on bring it on yeah
just remember me when
you're good to go

come on now sugar
bring it on bring it on yeah
just remember me when...

it's something i said
or someone i know
or you called me up
maybe i wasn't home
now everybody needs some time
and everybody knows
the rest of the lines
in everybody else's show

come on now sugar
bring it on bring it on yeah
remember me when
you're good to go

come on now honey
bring it on bring it on yeah
just remember me when
we used to be friends
a long time ago
we used to be friends
a long time ago
we used to be friends
a long time ago
yeah

a long time ago
we used to be friends
but i haven't thought of you lately at all
if ever again
a greeting i send to you
short and sweet to the soul i intend

we used to be friends
a long time ago
we used to be friends
a long time ago
we used to be friends
a long time ago
we used to be friends
yeah...

journal entry 263...

2006-06-27T16:49:00.000-06:00

my period is past but i'm feeling a little melancholy and out of sorts today. not sad really, but not exactly happy either.

i wish i could write something. i haven't written a poem in months and it makes me feel shitty and lame. it's because i watch too much tv. i've turned into a bit of a moron over the past few months. i need to get my shit together.

i saw that J updated his myspace profile and he's now officially "in a relationship". i wish i could just get over it and forget about them both, but it makes me so angry and sick. i don't dwell on it all the time anymore, but when i DO think about it i'm just as hateful and angry as if it was yesterday.

and i'm having a difficult time cutting ties with some of the old people. one keeps wanting to hangout and i don't want to because

1) i don't trust her
2) she's still friends with them
3) she's and ex fucker too. not any of my exes, but her other friends exes.
4) i don't really have anything to say to her anymore

i just keep hopiing that time will pass and she'll forget about me. she sends emails saying "we should get together for a movie night soon!" and i always reply "sounds good." but i never offer a date because i hope we'll just never make the plans. i wish i wasn't so lazy and could be more confrontational. mostly i just like to ignore the situation and hope it solves itself.

this is a boring post because i'm boring and i'm not even going to check for typos because really, who cares? when i have something worthwhile to say i'll gussy up but until then blah.

journal entry 262...

2006-06-27T05:52:00.000-06:00

i've been feeling a bit scattered lately.

now that i'm getting back to real life and not holed up in my apartment feeling like shit all the time, things are getting hectic and busy and i'm feeling like i just want to be lazy and veg. i'm never fucking satisfied.

last night i dreamt i was a waitress for some fancy restaurant and that we ran out of mashed potatoes and i was totally stressed out trying to find the back stock. that carson guy from "queer eye" was the manager. he wasn't as annoying as he is on the show. i thought it was gross that he wanted to reuse the butter pats when i'd reset the tables but whatever. i guess it's important to not be wasteful. people are gross though. you never know what they do to that shit.

i'm starting to get paranoid that i'm gaining weight again.

since i've been so busy i haven't been as consistent with my exercise and i've been eating more sporadically and less healthily. i need to get back to my routine. hence, me writing today to get the ball rolling.

i'm a creature of habit and i have to follow a routine or everything gets all fucked up. like the way my jeans fit.

overall though, things are good at the moment.

i still think about J&A but it's not as absorbing. i'm not consumed with them anymore. i have moments of hate and regret but they pass. i just wish i hadn't wasted so much time thinking they were my friends. they certainly didn't deserve my friendship, love, and loyalty. they were entirely unworthy.

but. as i said, i don't dwell on them anymore so whatever. bygones. be gone. out of sight, out of mind and all that.

this entry sucks because i'm so out of practice. i'll get back into it though. routine. schedules. all that. blah.

there's always tomorrow. until we're all killed by global warming and lack of water i mean.

journal entry 261...

2006-06-07T05:55:00.000-06:00

sometimes i wonder what in the world my dreams could possibly mean. this morning i'm thinking "that i'm losing my mind?"

last night i had a million weird dreams involving xmas presents piled outside of abandoned apartments, hotrod paint jobs, cow milking, hotel room comparison shopping, long distance running, fried chicken with britney spears, and fly fishing cut short by near decapitation.

and somehow all of these dreams flowed naturally, one into the other, until the head chopping off part when i woke up with great relief to discover my head still fully attached. i am exhausted from all the activity though.

the parts i remember most vividly are:

transferring britney's breaded chicken breasts from the frying pan to a cookie sheet covered with paper towels to absorb the grease - one of the breasts was perfectly breaded and crispy and the others were a bit flimsy and under cooked.

arguing with my dad about where to take the hotrod for a new paint job - he didn't feel midas was "all that".

discovering that all of the xmas packages piled in front of an apartment i didn't remember ever being at were addressed to me.

requesting valerian root and some other herbs to calm my nerves as i waited for the ambulance to arrive.

how my mom just laid in the bed with her arm across her face and didn't want to comfort me as i waited for the ambulance to arrive.

how surprised i was that there wasn't more blood.

sitting up too quickly and my head sliding off my shoulders. i caught it just in time and placed it back where it belonged even though it was wobbly. it didn't really hurt, but it was quite worrisome.

it was weird how the head chopping part even happened.

britney spears and i were standing in a calm river frying chicken and fly fishing when a huge sheet of ice broke off from a frozen cliff way above us. (this was due to global warming.) i didn't even notice it until britney cried out and grabbed onto the back of her head. it was a clean cut and nearly severed the whole thing, save for a small bit in the back of her neck that kept it attached.

i screamed out to all the people around us to call 911 and as i panicked and freaked out, britney disappeared and i was suddenly in an unfamiliar apartment and it was me with the nearly severed head. i just tried to remain calm and not to lose my head (haha) and wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all but for fear of my head bouncing off from the belly laugh.

so, so weird.

i woke up before the ambulance arrived so i don't know how it would've turned out. maybe i would've gotten into the ambulance and someone else would have gotten the severed head and i'd have gone back to the fried chicken and fly fishing.

still - i prefer the dreams where christian bale and johnny depp are in love with me and fighting for my undivided attention.

blue and white - lyrics by beth waters

2006-06-02T19:53:00.000-06:00

it's okay i'm going home now
i'll be okay tonight
i just wanna be alone now
with the dark and the light
that's my favorite color blue there
as the sun sets in the sky
there's just something in the hue there
in the corner of my eye

in the dark and the light
in the blue and the white
something's pure that i am missing
something's sure that i am not
holding back and never letting you see

light a match in the dark now
see my shadow on the wall
doesn't look too much like me
no it's not like me at all
pour over what you wrote
and the letters burn the page
i see all the things you meant to me
in the things you didn't say

in the dark and the light
in the blue and the white
all the things that i've forgotten
all the things that i am not
holding back and never letting you see

now i am
now i am
now i am...

journal entry 260...

2006-06-02T19:22:00.000-06:00

so. today i discovered that J&A are still together and it didn't make my heart or stomach hurt although it did make me sick to my stomach. it just really grosses me out thinking of them together. it's so incestuous and nasty. also, i hate them.

i also discovered that one of the main couples in my old circle broke up a few days ago. i wonder how that's all playing out. i know whose side everyone's probably taking and i'd say it's the wrong one but they're all stupid and obviously only pick wrong sides so what else would i expect? besides, the one whose side isn't being taken didn't take my side either so you know what? fuck him.

i'm glad my heart isn't broken everyday any more. sometimes i get a twinge of sadness and i miss some of them but then i am reminded of what jerks they all are anyway.

i ran into JO and MY at best buy the other day and they both acted THRILLED to see me and they were all "how are you this" and "you look great that" and "we need to get together soon no seriously!" but it was totally fake. they're not my friends. i emailed MY the next day and she hasn't responded but she's posted a new photo on myspace.

whatever. it's just annoying. it was such a waste of time. that whole five years. what a waste and what a bunch of phonies. i'm so much happier and more peaceful and not so stressed or angry or hostile. about my relationships anyway. i'm making new friends and mentoring and doing more volunteer stuff and pride is coming up and i've decided fuck guys, i'm a lesbo now. and i'm happy and relieved about it.

i love my cat. and i love that the sun has come out to stay. i love that it's warm again. the only thing i don't love is the chaffing from my fat, sweaty thighs rubbing together.

journal entry 259...

2006-05-23T19:22:00.000-06:00

last night i dreamt that christian bale was my boyfriend. he was really warm and loving and i was so impressed that gloria steinem was his step-mother and that they remained close after his father's death. she didn't make an appearance though.

when we made love he looked deeply into my eyes and i could tell that he was really in love with me. more than i was with him. he was also quite hairless and smooth and he looked beautiful, like he did in AMERICAN PSYCHO. in the parts where he was in the shower, not the parts where he was chopping up women.

i ran my fingers through his hair and i knew that i would end up breaking his heart and he would hate me for it.

i woke up before it went that far.

journal entry 258...

2006-05-22T05:55:00.000-06:00

good lord.

last night i was having such a scary dream that i woke myself up and walked around for a minute so i wouldn't fall back into it when i went back to sleep.

it started with me working at a fast food restaurant. i think it was wendy's. the shop was closed but the last shift hadn't done any cleaning and i was concerned about the morning shift so i started cleaning it up by myself. there was so much work to do though i started getting stressed out.

as i was mopping the floors i found this extra room and the dream kind of changed a bit. it started to feel like a BUFFY episode or something and i began poking around. there were all of these extra rooms and it turned into the scary old house i always dream about. it's really dilapidated and there are nails poking out everywhere and broken glass scattered on the floor. i knew there was a girl in the house and she was really angry with me for some reason. i didn't want her to know i knew she was there so i was acting all nonchalant but really i was terrified.

i pretended to take a nap and she scattered more broken glass around where i was "sleeping" and took the shoes by my bed. i had suspected she would do that so i had hidden a pair of shoes in the bed with me. when i heard her walk away i got up to see what she was doing. apparently there was a witch/zombie/demon in the attic and the girl was trying to break through the ceiling of her room to free it to come kill me. it was hissing and moaning and helping rip through the floorboards trying to free itself.

i decided i needed to make an escape right away so i jumped out of bed and started climbing through broken windows and crawl spaces until i finally found a window to the outside. i freed myself but the girl was suddenly right behind me so i kept running and running and running until i thought i'd die from exhaustion. i eventually lost her.

suddenly i was in the ocean and there were these enormous waves knocking me about. i kept thinking how perfectly lovely the water was, so brilliant and blue, but i was scared of it too. the waves kept pushing me further and further from where i wanted to go but i knew it was futile to fight against it so i didn't resist and just floated where it took me. i decided i'd figure out how to get back once it washed me up on the beach.

somehow i found my way back to the fast food restaurant and the next shift was on. since i hadn't finished cleaning up the place i was worried they'd be angry with me so i snuck in quietly to see what was up before i let them know i was there.

apparently, the evil girl was still there and she was really pissed that i had gotten away so she was torturing the workers to find out where i was. none of them knew so she started killing them by putting them in these huge, fiery ovens. i could hear them screaming in agony and crying for help and i was terrified.

she took some of the others and put them through these giant meat slicers and it was so horrifying that i thought i was going to die from fright. i was shaking and weeping and i was getting ready to start sobbing uncontrollably but i knew that would lead her to me so i tried my hardest to keep quiet but the shock and horror was just too overwhelming. my teeth were chattering so hard from fear that she heard and turned to come after me. that's when i finally woke myself up because i knew i couldn't handle anything further even if it was only a dream.

when i woke up i was really, really scared and went to the bathroom to get it out of my mind but i still felt totally creeped out. i think that's the most frightened i've been in a really long time.

and now i'm kind of sleepy from lack of rest.

today's horoscope...

2006-05-22T05:51:00.000-06:00

MAY 22nd

Steel yourself for the worst. It's not going to happen. Still, though, if you prepare for a problem of this magnitude, you will see a minor difficulty as a relief by comparison. The secret of success this week, involves appreciating what you've got regardless of how closely this matches your idea of what it is that you think you ought to have. Develop love and appreciation, even for the things you are not so sure of and you will find that, somehow, others direct their love and appreciation towards you.

journal entry 257...

2006-05-17T05:47:00.000-06:00

last night was another hectic dream night. i was busy, busy, busy hating on everyone and worrying about my hair.

in one dream i was at a big party with all of the people i used to be friends with and i was telling them what i'd been up to the past few months. then i decided to lay into all of them and started telling them what fuckheads they were and how they'd abandoned me and disrespected me. i told them what a bitch i thought A was and how she'd never even apologized for hurting me blah, blah, blah. then A walked in and told me to stop takling shit on her behind her back and i went off on her and told her that i hated her and what a backstabbing skank she was etc. etc. i think we'd have come to blows if the dream hadn't switched to something else.

i didn't realize i still had so much angst and hatred towards her but i guess i do. when i think about her....yep, full of hate.

in the nicer dream, i was with BE and a couple of other male friends that i can't remember. it was xmas or something and KI surprised me by coming to visit. he was still happily married but seeing him again brought back all of those feelings and we both struggled against them. we didn't act upon them but i have a feeling if the dream had lasted any longer we would have.

the dream switched by me needing to take a shower which turned into an ordeal. it was raining/flooding outside which was making the drains overflow and act weird. then the showerhead started going crazy and spraying all over the place and getting everything wet. i was a bit stressed and cut the shower short even though i hadn't washed my hair. when i got out all the towels were wet and smelled mildewy but i used them anyway and one of the guys asked me, "does your face always smell like that?" i went back to wash my face again but my alarm woke me up before i finished.

it's weird how realistic dreams can be. in the one with A i was so upset and angry and frustrated and when i woke up i still was a bit. i hate that. i appreciate the relief that comes with the realization it was all a dream, but i hate the stress and anxiety it stirs in me in the first place.

i really do hate a lot of those people still though. i wish they'd all move to portland or something and leave me alone.

so i guess i woke up kind of cranky this morning. i hope it wears off.

journal entry 256...

2006-05-12T20:49:00.000-06:00

i feel guilty when i'm happy. like a fraud holding the winning ticket they knocked an old lady down for.

in reality i'm a fraud and the old lady.

i'm not sure which one irritates me more.

(i know it's not proper to end a sentence with a preposition. "like a fraud holding the winning ticket they knocked an old lady down for, bitch.") my mom told me that one. and it's another reason i love her. er a reason.

ha. bitch.

journal entry 255...

2006-05-12T08:51:00.000-06:00

on my walk to work this morning i was overcome by this deep sense of joy and well-being. it's a feeling i haven't felt in a very long time. years. since before J and i even started dating back in 2001 or whenever it was.

i was just looking at the leaves and flowers blossoming on the trees and enjoying the clear blue sky and i was overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude and hopefulness. like everything really is new and possible for me. like i've come out of a very dark tunnel and my eyes have finally adjusted to the light.

there are so many changes going on within me right now. i'm feeling confused and bewildered and unsure of myself, but i'm feeling strong and okay too. like whatever decision i made, whatever i decide to do from here on out will be the right thing.

i never thought i'd ever feel this way again, but i do. and i hope it lasts this time. i won't let anyone get in the way of it or take it from me again.

journal entry 254...

2006-05-12T06:10:00.000-06:00

lots of weird dreams last night but the only one i can remember is that there was some kind of nursery school recital or something and one of the little girls was wearing a thong under her dress instead of a diaper.

i was shocked and outraged that she was all "sexed up" at such a young age and was looking around for her mother to tell her off when the little girl took a dump right there on the stage.

i guess she felt pretty much the same way about it that i did.

my dad called a couple of weeks ago to tell me that they're coming out here for a visit this summer and that's the last i've heard.

i've left two VMs and sent them a card telling them how excited i am and to let me know when so i can get the time off from work and of course they haven't. so i stopped at a tourist trap on my way home and bought seven postcards for a dollar. i'm going to send them one everyday and only write "WHEN???!!!" and "WISH YOU WERE HERE!!!" and things of that nature on them. they'll get to see how lovely it is out here and also what a freak i am. it'll be like i'm stalking my own parents. har.

t.g.i.friday. i'm glad i get to sleep in tomorrow.

journal entry 253...

2006-05-11T06:31:00.000-06:00

ha. i totally just forgot what i was going to say.

i blame billy bragg.

oh. now i remember.

when i was in junior high and high school i thought it was really important that poetry rhyme. it was all "the sky is blue and i love you it can't be true you love me too" and crap like that.

now, whenever i read someone's poetry, if it rhymes at all i immediately chalk it up as shit. you have no idea how much shit is out there.

i'm just glad i stopped polluting the world with the sing songy bullshit i used to create.

also? erotica is only erotic if it seems effortless. most of it seems contrived and silly. throwing a "cock" or "pussy" in the middle of things does not an erotic poem make.

i'm no great critic or expert or anything, but i do know my ass from a hole in the ground.

i'm in an online poetry group and i never write a thing. these other poets - they do the exact opposite of inspire me. i should probably blame myself, but it's so much easier to blame them.

"fuck me gently with a chainsaw."

now that is poetry. har.

today's horoscope...

2006-05-11T06:25:00.000-06:00

MAY 11th

You can wave a wand, weave a spell, work an enchantment. No previous experience is necessary. Even if you have never trained at Hogwarts, you have the power, right now. You can make people fall at your feet or go into a daze, just with the sound of your voice and the look in your eye. No matter what battles you now feel you ought to fight, Venus insists you can achieve your aim and get whatever you want, entirely through charm and gentle persuasion.

journal entry 252...

2006-05-10T06:05:00.000-06:00

last night i dreamt of another wedding.

it was at a 24 hour fitness, in the pool area. the bride had us all lined up and in position a week in advance. none of the attendants knew we were there early. we were expecting it to get going and she was all, "no, i just wanted to make sure we had plenty of time for everyone to get here so we'd be ready." like we were going to stand there for a week until the guests arrived.

the groomsmen wore white top hats and grey tuxes. i have no idea who the bride was.

i keep dreaming of people i don't even know.

i sent ME and NA an email the other night, after i got back from drinks with them, to tell them it was nice to see them and send them that cat power cover of "paths of victory" from "north country". neither of them even replied to say it was good to see me too or even just "thanks for the song". they both wanted it, i sent it to them, and they don't acknowledge it or say thanks.

that is exactly why i'm not friends with any of those assholes anymore. it was always like that. i was always thoughtful and concientious and generous and they always weren't. good fucking riddance, you know?

it's disappointing how you'd expect people to get better with age and lots of times they get worse.

i got an email from another "old friend" yesterday. he's not from my old circle, i met him through an old old boyfriend. i used to have crush on him a long time ago and then i realized he was sexist and conceited and also not as bright as he seems to think. he's all "book smart" but he has no real world experience so basically he talks out of his ass all the time and has no idea how fucked up it is or how selfish and harmful it is to the rest of the world.

he says, "well why doesn't she just leave?" all exasperated like when discussing DV. he thinks DV is caused by women with low-self esteem who put up with it instead of by the patriarchy and the men who perpetrate it.

anyway, i guess i don't like him at all anymore and yesterday i got an email from him. i haven't heard from him since last march. over a year ago. the email was about how he's had some "unforseen expenses" that have put him in some financial peril and could he borrow $600 which he wouldn't be able to pay back until next year, when he gets out of grad school.

oh sweet irony.

he's one of those "personal responsibility" folks who thinks welfare encourages women to "take advantage of the system" and here he is asking me for $600 after not hearing from him in over a year. some nerve i tell ya.

i wonder what it is about me that makes people feel okay about taking advantage and treating me disrespectfully. i think i'm kind of a hard ass, but apparently i'm the only one who thinks that. everyone else seems to think i'm a sap.

i watched "jarhead" last night. it didn't make me want to support the troops, but i do support jake gyllenhaal. he's HOTT!

journal entry 251...

2006-05-09T06:21:00.000-06:00

last night i dreamt of cooking and reeses peanut butter cups.

in the first bit it was halloween or something and i was with some people who were friends in the dream but who i don't recognize from real life. we were stocking up on halloween candy and two of the other women kept telling me to grab all the reeses. another shopper came up and gave me the stink eye so we scrambled off with our booty, laughing like maniacs.

in the next bit, i was cooking sausage patties. one was ginormous and in the shape of a christmas stocking. i was really frustrated because it was so dificult to flip. it kept falling apart and eventually i was just like "fuck it" and didn't even care that it was half burnt and half raw. i put it on the platter and was like, "it's big enough, y'all just have to pick out the cooked parts and throw the raw bits away."

in the last dream i was helping prepare for a wedding. i was making these huge (bathtub size) tubs of pudding: chocolate, vanilla, and banana. the chocolate and vanilla were a snap, but it was difficult to mix the banana. i turned the mixer on high and it kind of whipped the pudding so it was all foamy and discolored. i was afraid the bride was going to be really pissed, as brides often are, but she was fine. she was delighted with the floral arrangements so she didn't care much about the desserts.

i went in the other room to have a beer with the guests and my old roommate ST was there. so was HI. it was sort of like we were trying to be friends again but it was awkward. ST was flirting with her and i was impressed with how bold he was. he used to be so shy so i was surprised how forward he was being with her. he kept nuzzling her neck and he had a leg across hers.

then it switched and i was at a commencement ceremony and my old college boyfriend was there giving a speech or something. he looked exactly the same as the last time i saw him in '89.

i have no idea why my dreams were so focused on food. it's not like i went to bed hungry or anything.

anyway.

drinks with ME and NA went better than i expected. it's really true that people love talking about themselves. we hungout for about two hours and i managed to tell them just about nothing.

one of them would say, "so how are you?!" and i'd say, "really good. how are you? are you still moving to portland?" or something like that and then they'd be off on a forty-five minute rant about whatever. i don't even think they noticed. probably when one of the old gang asks them about it it will hit them. someone will ask what i'm up to and neither of them will have an answer. HA!

i was pretty proud of myself. i never mentioned J&A or anyone else. it was as if the only things that existed were the three of us and the bottle of wine. i didn't say anything mean (or nice for that matter) about anyone. we mostly just talked about the two of them and what they're doing and then it was 8 o'clock and time to go.

i survived with my dignity and privacy firmly in tact. it's surprising too because i usually reveal WAY too much when i've got a couple of glasses of wine in me.

i'm glad it's behind me. now i can just get on with my life. i think it's clear that there are no hard feelings between us but that we're on different paths so that's that. i don't feel like we need to get together again or anything. there's really no point. i mean, i don't want to have any halfassed relationships in my life anymore and if i can't trust or be open or whatever then it's really not worth it. they're part of my past and that's where they'll stay.

still, i was proud of the way i handled myself.

last weekend i watched that movie "hostel". here's my netflix review: "disgusting, misogynistic, homophobic, racist piece of shit. i couldn't even finish it was so offensive."

hee. i love giving bad reviews of movies. and it's so easy these days with what they try to pass off as entertainment. i barf at that.

today's horoscope...

2006-05-09T05:38:00.000-06:00

MAY 9th

Venus is in your sign. I've got this sentence set up on my word processor now. I just have to press a button and out it comes. Look see, here it is again. Venus is in your sign. I am trying to resist the temptation to just keep pushing that button. It is, though, all you need to know. Nothing needs to be too difficult. No matter what's been bad or stressful in the recent past, it's getting better now. Your finances are improving. Your love life is about to get sweeter too. Venus is in your sign.

journal entry 250...

2006-05-08T08:12:00.000-06:00

i just put on the perfume i used to wear when KI and i were together and i switched my ipod to ACHTUNG BABY because i'm obviously obsessed with living in the past. for what it's worth, it's working. i'm overwhelmed by feelings of nostalgia and longing for that summer. it was the best. and the worst.

journal entry 249...

2006-05-08T06:49:00.000-06:00

sometimes i miss the 'burbs. i miss being able to ride my bike everywhere. i miss having a porch or patio to sit on. i miss going to rudy's after work. or gordon biersch. i even miss ringing up all of those assholes at WFM. i miss my old friends.

maybe i just miss my youth. if i moved back there it would probably be nothing like i remember and i'd be disappointed and wish i'd stayed here.

i don't know. i must be going through something. wondering if i haven't fucked up a few things. if i wouldn't be happier if i'd made some different choices.

but i didn't. i made the choices i made and i'm here now. there's no going back. not really.

i miss being twenty-four. i miss feeling like i have all the time in the world and that there will still be plenty of time to fix things if i fuck them up. i miss that feeling a lot.

journal entry 248...

2006-05-08T05:45:00.000-06:00

last night i dreamt i was on some kind of undercover stake out and i really had no clue what i was doing.

it was a farm or something and they were doing something they shouldn't be doing so we were sent out there to get the scoop. i was a little worried about getting found out because they'd obviously killed people before. there was a swamp on the land somewhere that was thick with blood from all the bodies that had been dumped there. it was quite unpleasant.

i wonder where these things come from. i'm a sick mofo.

tonight i'm supposed to meet ME and NA for drinks. i haven't seen them since the J&A incident and i'm totally not looking forward to it. i don't know why i ever agreed to it. it's not like they've even been friends to me and i don't want them to know my business or anything. i don't trust them.

so why am i doing this? because i'm a sap and can't say no apparently. i wish i could think of a way to get out of it.

this will be my first interaction with people from the old group and i feel kind of weird about it. i just want to leave that all behind and move on. whywhywhywhywhy do i put myself in positions like this?

hopefully it won't suck as bad as i expect it to. and then once i'm done, i'm done. i won't have to see them anymore.

in other's words sixteen...

2006-05-06T15:30:00.000-06:00

First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons - but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which has lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world - a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not be a young man saving for a wedding ring - this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love the fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see all this as clearly as anyone else - but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jibbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if the experience can cause him only pain.

- Excerpt from "Ballad of the Sad Cafe" by Carson McCullers

central reservation - lyrics by beth orton

2006-05-05T09:11:00.000-06:00

went down to a central reservation
in last night's red dress
and i can still smell you on my fingers
and taste you on my breath
i'm stepping through brilliant shades
of the color you bring
this time, this time, this time
is fine just as it is

today is whatever i want it to mean
today is whatever i want it to mean

if this is where memories are made, well,
dreams do come true
everything i ever took for granted
i want to see it through
i step through every shade
and the color you bring
this time, this time, this time
is fine just as it is

today is whatever i want it to mean
today is whatever i want it to mean

it's like
it's like
it's like
living in the middle of the ocean
with no future, no past
and everything that's good right now
well, i don't wish for it to last
i'll step through brilliant shades,
every color you bring
this time, this time, this time
is fine just as it is

and today is whatever i want it to mean
and today is whatever i want it to mean
today, today is whatever i want it to mean
today is whatever i want it to mean

if winter ends - lyrics by bright eyes

2006-05-04T13:06:00.000-06:00

i dreamt of a fever
one that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart
with heat to melt these frozen tears
burned with reasons as to carry on
into these twisted months i plunge without a light to follow
but i swear that i would follow anything
just get me out of here

but you get six months to adapt
and you get two more to leave town
and in the event that we do adapt
we still might not want you around

but i fell for the promise
of a life with a purpose
but i know that that's impossible now

and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
coz i just can't think anymore about that or about her tonight

and i'll give myself three days to feel better
or else i swear i am driving off a fucking cliff
coz if i can't make myself feel better
how can i expect anyone else to give a shit

and i scream for the sunlight
or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
coz i swear that i am dying
slowly but its happening
and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere
just take me there
just take me there
just take me there
and lie to me and say it's going to be alright
its going to be alright, it's gonna be alright,
it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright,
its going to be alright, it's gonna be alright,
it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright,
yeah you worry too much kid, its going to be alright

journal entry 247...

2006-05-04T05:57:00.000-06:00

it's weird when i wake up and immediately forget what i was dreaming.

i feel like it's right there - on the tip of my brain - but then it's gone. what the hell was it? something about a car. i was in a car and it was snowing? gone.

i still haven't gotten my tax refund from the state. i've called twice already and they said they received my stuff the first week of february so they don't know what the hold up is. they keep telling me to check back in a few weeks.

it's not much, but it's a hundred bucks that would still feel good in my savings account, you know? what's the frickin' hold up? the feds gave me my money at the end of february so i'm not sure why the state is lagging so hard. stoners probably.

i really love the innocence mission even though they're obviously jesus freaks. there's something about her voice. it's like she almost forgets to sing and just lets it fade away. or like you're hanging out with her and she's in the kitchen singing to herself while you're listening from the living room, waiting for her to come back. it's all very casual and satisfying.

empty shell - lyrics by cat power

2006-05-03T15:36:00.000-06:00

all that is left is an empty shell
of my heart that is crushed
i don't never wanna see
what my mind has seen
when you loved me
every night every night alone with you
every night alone now

when she sits on your lap
try to pretend to laugh
when she does stupid things
just like i used to do
do not hate her
don't you even try
for to leave her is to love her
the same as you and i
i love you
and i miss you too
i really do love you
and i really do miss you too

but i don't know you
and i don't need you
and i don't want you anymore anymore

every night every night alone with you
every night alone now

journal entry 246...

2006-05-03T06:04:00.000-06:00

last night i dreamt of thievery and repurcussions.

an old friend from college - or maybe i was in college in the dream - and i stole something and the missing item was discovered to be missing and we were the prime suspects. throughout the whole thing i kept telling her "deny, deny, deny, no matter what they say." and even though we had plenty of time alone together to get our story straight we never did. we went to walmart or some place to buy buttloads of candy insrtead. (ha! college!)

when it was time for the interrogation i was annoyed that we hadn't worked out a story and i had a feeling she was going to blab. i thought to myself, "this is weird. i always tell the truth so i'm not sure i can go through with this. but if she's denying it i'll make her look bad when i confess."

i don't know how it all turned out because my crack interrogation team turned out to be the guys who own the corner market by my house and they were playing a record of nursery rhymes in spanish. i was really excited and thought, "cool! now i'll finally learn spanish! why didn't i think of this sooner?"

i don't know if i blabbed or she denied because as soon as they started singing "mary had a little lamb" en espanol i started singing along and then my alarm went off and i woke up.

what does it all mean?!?! ha.

my dad and CA sent me a birthday present. i think it's the first time ever. it was almost a month late, but it was nice that they remembered anyway. apparently they think i'm really fancy and sophisticated or something. they sent me this slate cheese slab from pottery barn and a book about fancy cheeses.

i do love cheese, but i'm not a fancy person so i'm not sure where the hell i'm going to put this thing or when i'll get a chance to use it. they're supposed to come out here for a visit this summer so i guess i'll use it then at least. if i don't break it first. it's very fancy and fragile and worrisome.

oh well, it's the thought that counts. and i'm thinking "my parents don't know me at all." ha! but i guess i don't really know them either. i mean, who really knows anyone? you might think you do, but the next thing you know they're fucking your ex-boyfriend and you're wishing they were both dead. but i digress...

the weather has been really gorgeous lately and it's made me happier. my dad remembered my birthday for once and that made me happy too. i guess things aren't so bad these days. and they seem to be getting better.

i won't even consider the possibility that it won't last.

journal entry 245...

2006-05-02T05:56:00.000-06:00

i haven't felt like writing much lately. it's like i've got things to say, but before i ever get around to saying them i just think "oh what's the use?" and do something else instead. and i haven't been reading as much either. my mind seems to wander and i can't concentrate or focus. maybe it's adult ADD. or maybe my brain is just shrinking and i'm getting dumber. it wouldn't surprise me.

that commercial about secondhand smoke freaks me out. when it shows the arteries becoming clogged and choking off the blood supply and how that lady is just laughing while her friend is pretty much killing her right then and there. that's what i think of every time i'm walking down the street and some jackass in front of me is smoking. i hold my breath until i pass because seriously? emphysema? no thanks. that's how my great grandma died and it sucked. i'm not into it AT ALL. when i die i just wanna die. no long, drawn out suffering please.

last night i dreamt i was on a crowded bus and i was being all rude and shovey, trying to squeeze past people and one of them was kay and i knocked her bag out of her arms and i felt really bad because i was afraid she'd think i was an ass and write about it on her blog and tell everyone i had no manners or concern for anyone but myself, which is probably true actually, but it's not the kind of thing you want getting around. i apologized and she seemed to accept it but still.

i think about J&A about 80% less than i used to and when i do think of them there's very little passion behind my hatred anymore. except when i see someone i think is A and then i just start thinking of what a skanky, backstabbing bitch she is and what a fool i was for ever befriending her but then it turns out the woman isn't A and i feel bad for all the hateful, negative energy i spewed her way. i'm trying to be more positive and let it go but it's hard. i prefer not to think of them at all and fortunately it's getting easier.

it's weird how i used to see them all the time when it first happened, which made it worse and more painful, and now that i'm mostly over it and don't care as much, i hardly ever see them. i can't even remember the last time. it's been nice because they're both fucking assholes and i do still hate them when i really think about it which i don't wanna do so i'm gonna stop right now.

i don't even know what i've written. i woke up all groggy and disoriented but guilt ridden from lack of writing so i felt like i had to write something and this is it. i guess i need to get back in the habit again. also with the reading. i need to do more of that too before i become totally stupid. it's not that far to go really.

journal entry 244...

2006-04-29T09:09:00.000-06:00

i dreamt that i moved into a house in palo alto with two sisters and one of their boyfriends. i knew immediately that i'd made a huge mistake and i wanted to pack my stuff up and move back to my old apartment but i knew it had been rented. i kept trying to reassure myself that it would be okay, though. that i was only going to have to live with the women and the boyfriend for a year or two and i was going to save a few hundred dollars in rent.

i was filled with this sense of panic and dread that i had made such a foolish decision and when i finally woke up, the relief was overwhelming.

it's weird how when this all first went down i was so panicked and upset and lonesome and now i'm quite the opposite. the idea of living with someone or having someone in my space all the time is such an unpleasant prospect i don't even like to consider it. i wonder if this too is only a stage or if i'm actually turning into a reclusive, spinster, cat lady at this young age.

journal entry 243...

2006-04-25T05:54:00.000-06:00

i was exhausted from work so i fell asleep early last night.

it was a busy weekend and then yesterday i was swamped at work so i passed out as soon as i got into bed last night. dream after dream after dream. i can't really remember the specifics but that they all started out nice and ended stressful and upsetting.

in the last one i just woke up from, i had decided to become involved with that actor from the show after the simpsons, michael rappaport? something like that. anyway, in the dream i wasn't really attracted to him but i decided to commit to him anyway because he really seemed to love me. as soon as i did i was sorry and immediately thought of how painful and difficult the break up would be whenever i got around to it. then there were the issues of where we were going to live and it was all very complicated and i was really, really angry. shouting and screaming and throwing a fit. i was relieved when i woke up on my own.

things in general are starting to go well for me. it's sunny more frequently, i got a raise at work, i've been feeling happier and more connected to things. i'm starting to socialize more and get back into volunteering and activism and all of that stuff i left behind last fall. i joined a new feminist group which is a lot more diverse and interesting than the one i was in with A and those other women. i don't know, i'm just starting to feel hopeful again, like there is a chance to move in a new direction and do the things i want to do and that there are other people out there like me and i will find them. we'll find each other.

anyway, i'm rambling and disoriented from just waking up. i've fallen out of the habit of writing and i need to get back into it. i've changed and progressed a lot over the past seven months and this journal reflects that. i can't leave holes anywhere or i won't see it. i need to wake up a bit first though. that's my excuse this morning anyway...

journal entry 242...

2006-04-24T05:55:00.000-06:00

i had lots of bizarre and hectic dreams last night. in one i was back in junior high, trying to figure out the lunch line which was always my biggest stressor at a new school. i hated it and skipped lunch all the time because i was so shy and afraid of making a mistake and being laughed at.

in another dream, babycat and i were on the beach, of all places, and we were playing fetch. she was going nuts and having a great time but i could see she was swallowing all of this sand and i got worried. i gave her the heimlich and she kept coughing out these huge puffs of sand.

there were lots of others that i can only remember little snippets of, like a warm day where the ground was covered with a thick blanket of snow, falling asleep in the bathtub and almost letting the water overflow, trying to make a million binders before work and the copy machine breaking down before i finished, etc. etc.

no wonder i'm tired this morning. i had a busy night sleeping.

dad called last night. he said that he and CA are planning to come out here to visit this summer. that's really exciting because my parents have always been the kind of people to tell you they're going to do something and get your hopes all up and then not follow through. he mentioned coming out this summer when i spoke to him at christmas though, and i figured that was the end of it. the fact that he brought it up again, on his own, is a pretty good sign it's actually going to happen.

i'm excited because he and CA have never been out here. i don't know if my dad's ever been here, but definitely not in the last fifteen years since i got here. i'm excited to show them around. i'm going to have to take time off of work so i can spend it with them. they probably won't ever be back so i need to make the most of it. the last time i saw them was a few summers ago when J and i went back there to visit. it will be good to have them out here though, where there's more to do and see. i'm so excited to do all the touristy stuff with them. i think they'll love it out here.

a few things are starting to look up for me. i'm feeling better. more hopeful and positive. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the sun has finally come out again. it was so dreary and soggy and depressing for so long. i've been able to walk to and from work for the past week and it's made a difference. and i hardly think of J at all anymore. i mean, i do, but not as deeply or intimately. he comes to mind and i let him go again. it is getting easier to move on.

it's weird how that works. how the weather and the stars and loneliness and depression all conspire against you and everything seems like it's the end of the world. and then just as you think it'll never get better, the clouds part, the stars align and things start to look brighter again. all of the stuff that bummed you out kind of gets lost in the glare of sunshine.

today's horoscope...

2006-04-24T05:50:00.000-06:00

APRIL 24th

What's needed now is a new idea. A better one. But not necessarily a bigger one. Big is not necessarily best. Often, small and subtle is far more effective. The change that now needs to come about - in your domestic world and in other areas of life, too, is not a dramatic one. It need not involve making a move - or even a declaration. It involves shifting something inwardly. Changing the way you look at a key set of factors. Being honest with yourself about what you want. Then setting out to attain it.

hit the switch - lyrics by bright eyes

2006-04-14T09:43:00.000-06:00

i'm staring out into that vacuum again,
from the back porch of my mind
the only thing that's alive
i'm all there is

and i start attacking my vodka
stab the ice with my straw
my eyes have turned red as stop-lights
you seem ready to walk
you know i'll call you eventually
when i want to talk
till then you're invisible

coz there's this switch that gets hit
and it all stops making sense
in the middle of drinks maybe the fifth or the sixth
i'm completely alone at a table of friends
i feel nothing for them
i feel nothing
nothing

i need a break from the city again
i think i'll ship myself back west
i got a friend there she says, "hey anytime."

unless the offer's expired
i have been less than frequent
she's under no obligation to indulge every whim
and i'm so ungrateful
i take
she gives and forgives
and i keep forgetting it

and each morning she wakes with a dream to describe
something lovely that bloomed in her beautiful mind
i say, i'll trade you one for two nightmares of mine
i have some where i die
i have some where we all die

i'm thinking of quitting drinking again
i know i've said that a couple of times
and i'm always changing my mind

i guess i am
but there's this burn in my stomach
and there's this pain in my side
and when i kneel at the toilet
and the morning's clean light
pours in through the window
sometimes i pray i don't die
i'm a goddamn hypocrite

but then night rolls around
and it all starts making sense
there is no right way or wrong way
you just have to live
and so i do what i do and at least i exist
what could mean more than this?
what would mean more?
mean more...

journal entry 241...

2006-04-13T05:46:00.000-06:00

i've been so exhausted the past few days.

work has been really hectic and i've only been getting 5-6 hours of sleep each night. i wake up groggy and disoriented, always wishing it was saturday so i could go back to sleep.

i know there was something i wanted to say but i can't remember it at the moment. maybe later.

today's horoscope...

2006-04-13T05:45:00.000-06:00

APRIL 13th

Got a cosmic order that you want to put in? Right now, while the Moon is Full in your opposite sign, it's a fine time to file a wish list. But be careful. It's not that your supplications are due to go unheeded, more that you're not likely to be asking for what you really want so much as for something that someone else wants you to want. Or that you feel you ought to want. Or that you 'want to want'. There's an unnecessary edge of fear colouring your judgement at the moment. Shrug that off before you make too many big choices. Work some Full Moon magic.

vienna - lyrics by billy joel

2006-04-12T06:26:00.000-06:00

slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
but then if you're so smart, tell me
why are you still so afraid?

where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
you'd better cool it off before you burn it out
you've got so much to do and
only so many hours in a day

but you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you get old
you're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?

slow down, you're doing fine
you can't be everything you want to be
before your time
although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
tonight...

too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
though you can see when you're wrong, you know
you can't always see when you're right. you're right

you've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?

slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?

and you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
you're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
why don't you realize, vienna waits for you
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?

journal entry 240...

2006-04-12T05:56:00.000-06:00

last night i dreamt that J and i got back together and i was utterly disappointed.

my dreams were all over the place, but this one had to do with a party or something. i had run into MY at a laundromat or or some such place and she started talking to me about how she'd read the email i sent to A and how she totally agreed with me and how A was a big fat backstabbing skank and how she totally understood how i felt about the whole thing.

then she told me that she was having people over and i should stop by. suddenly i was in what i guess was her apartment and there were some people from my old group and a few unfamiliar faces and J and i were dancing to a slow song all close and lame like in high school. (i knew it was him even though he reminded me of someone else too. maybe he was a composite of a few old boyfriends?)

anyway, we talked a bit and the next thing i knew he was announcing to the room that we were back together and i was relieved and felt i'd achieved a great goal, but at the same time i felt really defeated and disappointed because i knew in my gut that i didn't want to be with him and that i'd made a terrible mistake.

the dream switched to something totally different after that but i woke up this morning remembering the sensation of realizing that i was back with J and wishing i wasn't.

i'm going through this internal struggle where i keep pressuring myself to get out there and start dating again and meet someone before it's too late and i'm too old but there's this other part of me that is actually kind of content all on my own with no one to distract me or have to negotiate with. or maybe i'm just lazy. i don't know, when i think of getting up and getting out i'm kind of like "eh" and think about how comfortable and content i am snuggled up on the couch with babycat and a good movie.

i wonder if that's healthy or if it's weird. am i fooling myself or is it really okay? what if i don't ever put myself back out there and i spend the rest of my life alone? is that okay or will it mean i'm a failure? can i just remember all of the good relationships and love affairs i've had and feel a sense of accomplishment in that or will i actually just be giving up?

i have no idea. i don't even know what i want really. i guess i've just decided to do what i do and what feels right and hopefully all the little things will add up to something big that i'll feel happy and satisfied with in the end.

everything is everything
everything is everything
what is meant to be, will be
after winter, must come spring
change, it comes eventually...

- from "everything is everything" by lauryn hill

come around - lyrics by rhett miller

2006-04-11T06:44:00.000-06:00

i'm dressed all in blue
and i'm rememberin you
and the dress you wore,
when you broke my heart
i'm depressed upstairs
and i'm rememberin where
and when and how and why
you have to go so far

am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
i'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
unless you come around
so come around

i'm dressed all in white
and i remember the night
you came onto me
and opened up my heart
i was hollow then, till you filled me in
now i'm empty again
i should have never let it start

am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
i'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
unless you come around
so come around

no one else can fix me
although sometimes my heart tricks me
into thinkin someone else will do
you are the only one, you are the only one

am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
i'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
unless you come around, so come around
so come around
so come around

i'm dressed all in blue
and i'm rememberin you
and the dress you wore,
when you broke my heart

journal entry 239...

2006-04-11T05:46:00.000-06:00

i dreamt that the craigslist date and i finally got together for a drink and it turned out he had been flaking because he was married.

i was really hurt and pissed and asked him why he would reply to my ad when it clearly said i was looking for an LTR. he gave me some half-assed answer and i wasn't impressed so i told him to go fuck himself. it ended with me running down these stairs screaming "fuck you!" over my shoulder and him shouting it back at me. we were in a mall or something and everyone stopped what they were doing to look at us. i didn't really care about them or notice. mostly i was just wondering where he got off saying "fuck you" to me when i hadn't done anything wrong.

then babycat's cries woke me up so i got out of bed to feed her.

recently i've been thinking i should put more food in her bowl at night. i mean, what if i died? i'm not sure how long it would take someone to find her and i'd hate for her to have to resort to eating my face off or something.

these are the types of things i think when i'm alone. because i like to be prepared for the worst, and also probably because i'm crazy.

i weighed myself yesterday and i have gained five pounds so i'm back on my health kick: no more candy and somehow more exercise.

yesterday the rain cleared up so i was able to walk to and from work which was lovely. i feel so much better and more grounded when i can clear my head on the walk to work. i can hear it raining now though so i'll probably have to take the bus today. the extended forecast shows rain through sunday and then there are bright yellow suns for the following week so i hope that means the rain will finally be behind us by next week. pleasepleaseplease.

i did better with my tv viewing last night. i usually turn it on right when i walk in the door, but last night i didn't turn it on until 7:30 so that was two fewer hours than usual.

i wanted to stop at a cafe on my way home last night and spend some time writing but my neighborhood doesn't have any good cafes. well, it does, but they all close by 3 pm which does me no good when i'm getting off work. it's all bars around here and i'm trying to avoid booze as part of my health kick. also i want to save money.

anyway, the point is there's nowhere for me to go to write after work so i need to figure out a routine to get me in the habit anyway. anywayanywayanyway.

i also dreamt that we were trying to march in the immigration rights march and they got mad at us and took our signs away and threw them in the back of this truck. in another dream i had to go pee really bad and i didn't pull my pants down all the way so i ended up peeing down the back of my pants leg. some guy walked in on me and started laughing and it really upset me.

lots of dreams of frustration and humiliation. i wonder what it all means. ha.

you know what's a good song? vienna, by billy joel.

happy - lyrics by jenny lewis

2006-04-10T06:15:00.000-06:00

i'd rather be lonely
i'd rather be free
i'm as sure as the moon rolls around the sea
but i like watching you undress
and i think we're at our best
by the flicker, by the light of the t.v. set
'cos i can't remember why i hated you
can't remember why i still do
but i'm as sure as the moon rolls around you
that i could be happy, happy
oh, so happy, happy
oh, so happy, so happy

they warn you about killers and thieves in night
i worry about cancer and living right
but my momma never warned me about my own destructive appetite
or the pitfalls of control
how it locks you in your grave
looking for someone to be saved under my restraint
so i could be happy, happy
oh so happy, happy
oh so happy, happy
so happy, so happy

i'm as sure as the moon rolls around

journal entry 238...

2006-04-10T05:32:00.000-06:00

last night i dreamt it snowed and i skidded down the street in my stockinged feet.

it wasn't cold out and the snow was starting to melt so i had to be careful that i didn't hit any melted spots and wipe out. i kept thinking of the people inside their houses watching me skid by and how they must've chuckled to themselves at the absurdity of a grown woman acting so silly. and that they must've been slightly envious too that i had the nerve to do such a thing.

another dream had something to do with J and him moving. i was staying in his room while he was out and it was very messy and dirty so i started cleaning it up then it switched to be ME's room but i didn't feel any differently about it. there was a sense of longing in me but also a sense that we were still together, or at least still very close.

i was supposed to have a "date" last thursday with a guy from craigslist but he cancelled again. i was kind of relieved because i don't think i'm ready yet. this was the third cancellation. the first time was him, the second time was me and this time was him again. i'm getting the feeling that it's not meant to be so i kind of hope that's the end of it and that i don't hear from him anymore.

i'm still too fragile and insecure to deal with the complexities of dating. i'll get there someday, but i'm not going to rush myself. i don't want to put myself back out there too soon and suffer another crushing blow when i'm not quite strong enough to weather it. maybe by summer, when it's warmer out and we can meet on the patio somewhere for a nice, pressure free beer.

it's been raining so much i'm sick of it. i haven't been able to walk to and from work for the past month which has kind of thrown off my sense of well-being as well as making me all paranoid that i'm gaining weight. i think i've put on 3-5 pounds because i've been lazy and weird and trying to stuff down any grief with starbursts and peanut m&ms.

i spent all week watching tv and surfing the net and basically just being totally lazy and good for nothing. i'm afraid i'm going to go blind from looking at the glowing screen for so many hours straight. my eyes really do feel boggled and worn out. this week i'm going to watch less tv and read a few books instead so my eyes don't give out. i swear, even after a full night's sleep they're still tired and sore. i wonder if it's cause for alarm.

yesterday i watched "sunday morning" or whatever it is on CBS and this guy was talking about how great jenny lewis and rhett miller are so i decided to download a few songs. he was right. it kind of made me feel like shit though because i want to be able to write something brilliant and lovely but i haven't been able to in so long. i haven't really pushed myself or anything but sometimes i feel like i've lost it. my "knack" or my desire or my "gumption" or whatever.

maybe i'm just lazy though. maybe i do still have it in me. maybe i just haven't pushed myself and i've let it all slide. maybe that dream was about me watching from my window with envy as the other me skidded past giddy and amazed at the beauty of it all.

today's horoscope...

2006-04-10T05:21:00.000-06:00

APRIL 10th

How can you know what you don't know? How can you map territory you have never visited? How can you plan for circumstances you have no experience of? Er... actually, we have to ask whether you really are quite so unfamiliar with the processes that are now taking place? You've got more experience than you realise... and more power than you recognise. If you relax and trust your own resourcefulness, you'll instinctively make all the right choices this week and they'll lead you to some very pleasing results.

journal entry 237...

2006-04-02T15:28:00.000-06:00

J sent me an email for my birthday. he got the day wrong but whatever. the important thing is that i don't even care. i saw his name in my inbox and nothing happened - no racing heart, no belly flopping, no sweaty palms or sadness - just emptiness. as if it's all really behind me and there's nothing left to feel about it anymore.

i guess i am glad he remembered. if he hadn't written i probably would have been disappointed and hurt so i guess although i feel nothing about it now i would've felt something about it had he forgotten.

it's weird. i'm glad it's over. i'm glad i survived it and came out on the other side of grief, but i guess i'm kind of sad at the same time too. letting go of the pain and the sorrow is letting go of all of it.

it seems like it was all so long ago. when i think of our relationship and the things we did together, the memories we shared, it seems like it happened to someone else, like i wasn't really there but was just watching it all through a window.

it wasn't that long ago really, but it was a lifetime ago anyway.

journal entry 236...

2006-03-27T05:43:00.000-07:00

sleepy, crampy, cranky, weepy, bitchy. five of the seven dwarves i've been hanging out with lately. the other two are out getting candy because i already plowed though this bag of mini robin's eggs.

i've been wearing sweats all weekend and i know my jeans are going to be really tight when i try to squeeze into them today. i kind of splurged this weekend since i'm on the rag and feeling sorry for myself. i'm going to be good this week though and get myself back on the right track.

last night i had a lot of really weird dreams, but the one i remember most is one where i ran into KR or she came over or something and she'd had a baby. she referred to him as "it". not in a child abusing way, but more like a gender less way. i finally had to ask if "it" was a boy or girl and she said it was a boy named lance. i thought to myself how she must be a really terrible mother and was disappointed that we were friends again. it didn't seem like she was very happy about it either.

i'm still sort of sleepy. i'm glad i've got next week off so i can rest and relax and enjoy some free time that isn't rushed and crammed into two days. i guess it will still be sort of rushed though because i have a lot of stuff i want to do but at least it will be stuff i like and not just chores and errands.

i remember this time last year i was really stressed and annoyed because i'd invited so many people to my party and i didn't like half of them. also BR&KR had invited HJ and i was really pissed. it was one of the worst parties i've ever been to, much less thrown. it was the beginning of the end because i was really starting to realize how much i disliked all of those people who were supposedly my friends. that's one positive thing at least: i'm not around any of them anymore and i really do feel a lot more grounded and content because of it. i miss some people, but not enough to go back or change what's happened. i'm really glad to finally be rid of all of them. they were a drain on me and now i can breathe.

i guess in some ways things are better and i'm happier and in other ways they're just different or i feel apathetic about it. for the most part i'm no longer depressed or suicidal so i guess i've come at least that far over the past few months. i'm less depressed and suicidal than i was even when i was still friends with everyone. now i feel lighter, a sense of relief sort of, and little by little i'm becoming more hopeful. sometimes i have the same sensation as when BE and i moved to that two bedroom together. it was new and exciting and i felt like there was so much possibility open to me. i'm not quite THAT chipper, but i do feel better than i have in awhile.

i still haven't gone to a shrink even though i feel like i need to. mostly because i'm lazy and i don't want to have to bother with making an appointment. there are a lot of things i'm like that about. well, doctors mostly. i need to see a gyno, a dermatologist, and the eye doctor but i just put it off and put it off and eventually i'll probably find out i've got cancer of the everything.

right now i'm just typing and blabbing and i don't really even know what i'm saying. i'm not really paying attention. i just feel kind of bored and distracted...the two missing dwarves have returned apparently.

randomness ninety-eight...

2006-03-24T20:43:00.000-07:00

when you're in the middle of it you don't notice, can't see beauty in it:

a wide panorama stretching out of a pale, tender girl pressed against a vast grey sky wandering through an empty field in her blue raincoat not weeping.